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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24678307">Next To You, I Bloom</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AeonWing/pseuds/AeonWing'>AeonWing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>13 Reasons Why (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alcohol, Angst with a Happy Ending, Boys In Love, Canon Disabled Character, Drug Use, Emotions, Established Relationship, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Guilt, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Miscommunication, Personal Growth, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Smut, Therapy, Trauma</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 06:48:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>64,271</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24678307</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AeonWing/pseuds/AeonWing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex is 19 years old when he becomes the happiest man he's ever been, with Charlie.</p><p>Alex is 19 years old when he finds out that college life -  that adult life - isn't any easier while wrestling with guilt and shame.</p><p>Alex is 20 years old when he realizes that despite cheating death once, that he may lose more than just Charlie over one night, one mistake, one argument.</p><p>Alex is 20 years old when he learns to believe in happiness again, that sometimes a world ends to give rise to a new one. Perhaps with someone he loves by his side. </p><p>Alex is 25 years old when he looks back at his life and can smile, knowing that this future, this love, lasts forever, with Charlie.</p><p>OR</p><p>My take on what a 13RW Chalex spinoff could be. All chapters containing sensitive content will be marked with disclaimers in the notes.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Charlie St. George/Alex Standall</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>209</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>402</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prelude</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! This is my first 13 Reasons Why fanfic, and it's also my first fanfic in a very long time. I haven't written in ages.</p><p>Please forgive me for any grammatical mistakes and review as needed!</p><p>Charlie x Alex is my new OTP and I love their relationship! They deserved more screen time. But I'd also like to explore various social elements that I personally feel the series failed to deliver on. Things such as mental health, therapy, as well as a social commentary on sexual assault, homophobia, and what it means for Alex - someone who's recovering both physically and mentally while living with the burden of murder.</p><p>The story is dark, with fluff here and there, but the end result should be a happy one.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>What happened between Alex finding Charlie during the riot, and Charlie waking up in Alex's bed?</p><p>Based on S4E8</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"I love you not just for who you are, but what you make me."</em>
</p><p><em>-</em> <strong>Unknown</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"> <strong>April 10<sup>th</sup>, 2019 </strong> </span>
</h3><p>
  <em>The school grounds were a mess, books lying around, half-eaten lunches being thrown, and incessant fighting. Liberty High was at war. A war between the school and students. Alex bolted out the front doors, met by a swathe of rioting against the county police, brought in to subdue the walkout turned riot. Part of him wondered if his father was here, somewhere among the many police that had been called in. But it wasn’t what was really on his mind right now.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex paused a moment, thinking of Zach, whom he left behind in the principal’s office just moments ago. Zach, the first boy whom he shared a kiss with, who had saved his life more than once. Zach, the boy who told him to go find Charlie. Charlie.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Charlie?” Alex breathed, bewildered. His eyes flickered from corner to corner, trying to find a familiar face amidst the ramping chaos. “Charlie?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He took a few steps forward, heart racing, pulse pounding. He was afraid. Of course, he was. He couldn’t be arrested. Not after what he had done to Bryce months back, not after everything his friends had done to cover up his murder.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But more than that, he was afraid for Charlie.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He looked around again, frantically. And then he found him.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Charlie was lying on the ground, bleeding.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Char… Charlie!” Alex sprinted forward, one-tracked mind. And in an instant, it was like his fears were gone. Someone ran into him along the way, but he hardly noticed. Charlie was the only one within his line of sight. “Charlie, hey.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>No one had noticed him. No one seemed to even care. Charlie was unconscious, unmoving.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Wake up!” Alex breathed, exhaling frantically. “Wake up! Charlie, come on. Come on!” He struggled, arms wrapping around Charlie’s larger, unconscious frame. He had to get Charlie away, to somewhere safe. The rest would take care of itself later. “Charlie get up, come on!”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He was preoccupied. But he heard it. He could smell it.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fire.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Fire!” Alex screamed, taking a moment to face the crowd. Wide-eyed in fear, he dragged Charlie back as fast as he could. “Fire! Everyone! Move!”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And the rest was a blur.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He heard Justin scream something at Jess. He saw a mass of students running away in fear.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And then the explosion.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And Alex was knocked down along with Charlie, trying to shield the boy.</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Alex, are you and Charlie okay?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“He’ll be fine, it’s just a superficial wound, but I need to get him away from here.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“From here? How?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I don’t know, just, give me a moment.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Your dad is going to be worried about you when he hears this.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I’ll talk to him, it’ll be fine.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Really?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I’ll just get him home.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“How are you going to do that? You don’t drive, here I’ll—”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Clay, it's fine, I’ll just take an uber.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Okay.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Stay safe, everyone, we’ll get through this.”</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p>It was a quiet car ride home. Their uber driver didn’t pay them much attention, didn’t ask any questions, which Alex was grateful for. He always hated it when his uber driver bombarded him with all sorts of awkward questions. It only made the car ride worse.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie had come to his senses. He sat beside Alex in the backseat, smiling gently at the boy. They said nothing to one another, but the silence was comforting, nonetheless, the warmth of Charlie’s hand in Alex’s more than enough.</p><p> </p><p>Alex paused to wonder, when did this all start?</p><p> </p><p>When did he start having feelings for Charlie? For the “dumb jock” on the football team, like everyone else there? Well, besides Zach that is. And maybe Justin if Alex was being generous.</p><p> </p><p>Was it when they hung out at that party, sharing Charlie’s homemade weed brownies? Was it when they sat together in Calculus, sharing notes, making quirky little comments? Or was it before it all, when Charlie first joined their little group of friends? Bryce’s death had nothing to do with Charlie. He was innocent. And yet he still took part in the coverup.</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighed, peering across into Charlie’s blue depths.</p><p> </p><p>He was so beautiful.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie was so sweet; he was so kind. Alex drew in a breath, second-guessing himself like he always had. He had felt that he didn’t deserve Charlie. He remembered, telling him by the pier just how fucked up he was, and how little he deserved Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe Zach was right though.</p><p> </p><p>It was time to stop living in fear.</p><p> </p><p>At last, the car stopped, and he made his way to the familiar house he called home. Alex opened the door, motioning over for Charlie to climb out and head in.</p><p> </p><p>“So, this is your house, I’m assuming, right?” Charlie asked, making a concerned face at Alex.</p><p> </p><p>Immediately, Alex felt stupid. He had forgotten to tell Charlie where he was taking them. And Charlie had just gone along with it. Classic Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh…” Alex stuttered, looking away. “Um… Is that… Is that okay with you?” He murmured, nervous.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie smiled back at him, one arm around Alex’s smaller frame. “Of course it is, I just wanted to know you weren’t taking me to some sort of twisted, dark dungeon, or anything,” he said, tightly tugging at Alex.</p><p> </p><p>That brought a smile to Alex’s face. “Well… you never know. Maybe my home <em>is</em> a dark, twisted dungeon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe,” said Charlie. “But maybe not.”</p><p> </p><p>They made their way into the house, with Alex motioning to Charlie where to leave his shoes, so that his parents wouldn’t be suspicious of the rather inconspicuous, larger pair of shoes in the house, which most certainly belonged to an athlete.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, is it okay?” Alex asked, reaching for the cupboards in the kitchen. “Do you want me to you know, call an uber for you, to get home? I don’t want your parents worrying.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, that’ll be okay,” said Charlie, small steps following Alex. “My dad’s… busy. I don’t see him at home too often.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Alex murmured, taking two glasses from the shelves. “Lemonade?” He asked, turning around.</p><p> </p><p>The football player nodded, and so Alex poured out two glasses.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” he began, handing the glass over. “What’s it like being the son of the president of Liberty’s Booster club,” Charlie asked.</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” Charlie looked back at Alex. “He’s busy, so I don’t see him often. We’re close, but I sometimes feel we don’t talk enough anymore. Especially not since…”</p><p> </p><p>He paused, face twisting into a frown at the thought.</p><p> </p><p>“Since my mom died,” he finished.</p><p> </p><p>Alex frowned at that, breath catching. It rankled to realize how much of Charlie's personal life he still didn't know, still hasn't heard about. It felt embarassing. “I… I’m sorry,” he began, biting his tongue. What was he sorry for exactly? He had heard this shit repeated over and over again to him so many times, the weeks, the months after his suicide attempt had failed. “I- I mean, I wish I could say I understand but… I can’t begin to imagine how that must have been like.”</p><p> </p><p>Instinctively, he pushed a hand forward, holding Charlie’s bigger hand. It was warm and felt comfortable. Like this was so natural. </p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Charlie whispered, dragging Alex over to pull him into a warm, long hug.</p><p> </p><p>It was like a blinding light, a ray of sunshine. The warmth of Charlie’s embrace left Alex numb, dazed. He felt at ease being in Charlie’s arms, felt safe and sound. He buried his face in the crook of Charlie’s neck, straining to tippy toe to compensate for the difference in height. He exhaled, warmth running through his veins at Charlie's body heat. </p><p> </p><p>“I was so worried,” Alex breathed, sighing. “I had lost sight of you, I didn’t know where you were. In the heat of the moment, I was so scared, and I remembered everything like it was yesterday.”</p><p> </p><p>“With Bryce?” Charlie whispered back, one hand running through Alex’s soft, brown locks.</p><p> </p><p>“With everything,” Alex finished, voice catching. “I was afraid. And I was afraid for you.”</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he looked up, peering into Charlie’s blue pools. He was gorgeous, stunning.</p><p> </p><p>“I was afraid you’d get hurt,” said Alex, after a pause, a single tear rolling down his face. “I’m so glad… I’m so glad you’re okay.”</p><p> </p><p>They stared at each other; hands held in warmth. It was like time had crawled to a standstill, and nothing mattered besides having Charlie next to him, in his arms. They stayed like that, peering into each other’s eyes, basking in the warmth and radiance of heir embrace.</p><p> </p><p>And finally, Charlie let go, awkwardly wiping his palms against his jeans, which had become soiled from being knocked onto the ground during the riot. His eyes didn’t leave Alex’s.</p><p> </p><p>“O-oh,” Alex stuttered, suddenly anxious. “I-I’m sorry, did I…?”</p><p> </p><p>But he didn’t get that far.</p><p> </p><p>Because in that moment, Charlie’s lips were pressing against his.</p><p> </p><p>Alex inhaled sharply, wide-eyed at the sudden intrusion, surprised.  Charlie must have felt the sudden movement because he immediately withdrew, stepping back a little, apologies ready.</p><p> </p><p>But Alex wouldn’t let him.</p><p> </p><p>No, he returned the kiss, wrapping his arms around Charlie’s shoulders, pulling him closer so he could savor the boy’s sweet taste again. They stayed like that for what felt like an eternity, parted only by their need for oxygen.</p><p> </p><p>Alex was panting, staring across to see Charlie’s flushed face. He was panting too.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Charlie breathed, smiling. “That’s the second time you’ve kissed me.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex frowned at that, moving away slightly in play. “Correction, that’s the second time that <em>you </em>kissed <em>me</em>.” He murmured.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you kissed me back that time,” Charlie murmured, large arms crossed. “And you kissed me back again this time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fine, you win.”</p><p> </p><p>They both share a chuckle at that, fingers interlacing once more as they turned to face one another. Charlie’s warm gaze met Alex’s, and a myriad of emotions filled the boy, like a drug.</p><p> </p><p>“So…” Alex began, feeling a pang of nervousness. “Are you sure you don’t need to go home today?”</p><p> </p><p>“Why?” Charlie said, moving closer. “Are you that desperate to send me home?”</p><p> </p><p>“No…” Akex began, heart pounding in anticipation and worry. He was really about to ask it. “I was… I was hoping you could stay over for the night,” he finished, a brush creeping across his face.</p><p> </p><p>He bit his tongue, peering over at Charlie through the corner of his eye.</p><p> </p><p>"Well?"</p><p> </p><p>Charlie looked confused. But happy. Confused-happy. “Y-Yes!” he smiled. “I- I mean, yes, I will stay over, if that’s cool with you.” He beamed. </p><p> </p><p>Of course, it was. Alex smiled warmly at Charlie. “Here. Let me show you to my room,” he said, dragging Charlie towards the stairs.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh-oh uh…” Charlie began, face turning pink. “Aren’t your parents…?”</p><p> </p><p>“No,” said Charlie. “My mom’s not home until later,” he announced, apparently confident in his case. “And I just heard from my dad that he’s working a late shift today. Why do you ask?”</p><p> </p><p>By now, Charlie was blushing hard. “I…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just teasing you, come on!” Alex grinned. “But seriously, if you don’t come up to my room, my parents <em>will</em> find out you’re here,” he said and Charlie nodded back. “So come on, let’s go.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” Charlie twisted his mouth. “If you say so.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Alex!” A voice yelled from downstairs. “Alex, are you sure you don’t need to eat?” His mom hollered, incoming footsteps ascending in volume. “You haven’t touched the food I left out for you!”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie got up from the bed, apparently startled by the sudden voice. The sun was setting, so it made sense that Alex’s mom would be home by now. “Should I-“ He began, pointing at the window. He hated the thought of it though, trying to fit his large frame through such a small window.</p><p><br/>“No, no,” Alex said, reassuring. “It’s fine, I’ll handle it.” He stood up from the bed, walking just towards the door frame.</p><p> </p><p>“Mom! I’m fine,” he replied, opening the door a tiny crack. “I ordered pizza.”</p><p> </p><p>The footsteps stopped, and Charlie couldn’t quite see Alex’s mom from the angle, but she was definitely just outside the door.</p><p> </p><p>“Pizza?” She asked, confused. “Why though?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” Alex began, looking back at the box of pizza, half-finished from earlier. “We had a coupon that was expiring,” he said. Apparently, it wasn’t a lie, even if it was hardly the reason why they had ordered it. “You know, that we got in the mail,” he said, smiling.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” she replied. “I see. Well, as long as you’re alright,” she said. She sounded worried. “I was just… you know, thinking about those times.”</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t take a genius to figure out she was talking about the weeks and even months after Alex’s failed suicide attempt. Charlie frowned at that.</p><p> </p><p>“You didn’t eat at all back then,” she said, voice filled with concern. “So I just-“</p><p> </p><p>“Mom!” Alex interjected, sighing. “I’m… I’m fine, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>“I know Alex, I know,” she sighed back. “I know, I was just worried. Your dad and I have been looking out for any symptoms, any signs…”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes mom, I know, I know,” said Alex again. “I know… I know I’ve caused both of you a lot of pain,” he murmured. “But I’m better now, I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>She didn’t say anything back, but Charlie saw Alex nod and loosen up his posture.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you mom,” he finally said. “And tell dad I love him too. I know he’s out late tonight,” Alex put his hands in his pockets, moving forward slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes… I love you too Alex,” she replied back. “Your father does too,” she smiled warmly. “I’ll be downstairs if you need anything okay?”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks mom.”</p><p> </p><p>And then there were footsteps again, this time receding in volume until it was barely audible. Finally, they were alone again, and Alex closed the door behind him, awkwardly moving back towards the bed. It wasn’t a small bed by any means, and he knew he could fit two boys on it quite comfortably.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry about that,” said Alex.</p><p> </p><p>“No! Not a problem at all,” Charlie reached out a hand, which Alex took, pulling him back onto the frame of the bed. “I’m happy for you,” he continued, letting his head rest against Alex’ shoulder. “She really cares for you. Reminds me a lot of my own mom when she was still alive.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh…” Alex shuffled uneasily. “I’m… I’m sorry… I” He said again, out of instinct.</p><p> </p><p>“No worries,” Charlie smiled back. “I brought it up,” he murmurs, gently resting a hand on Alex’s chest. “Didn’t mean to put a damper on the mood either.”</p><p> </p><p>“No! No, you’re not… You’re not dampening the mood at all,” Alex said reassuringly, burying his nose in Charlie’s hair, one arm around his back. His shoulders were so broad, befitting his larger frame. It felt so incredibly comfortable. Like Charlie was his guardian angel. </p><p> </p><p>“You sure you don’t need to phone home or anything?” Alex asked again, twisting a face at the prospect of Charlie having to leave. “Just to cover your bases, y’know?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie laughed heartily at that, shaking his head adorably. “No, it’s fine,” he smiled. “My dad knows. I stay over with guys all the time.” He murmured.</p><p> </p><p>That caught Alex a little off guard. “Huh?” He asked, furrowing his brow in confusion. “You stay over with guys all the time?” He asked, almost suspiciously.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie sucked in a breath, gasping. He had forgotten to add context to a rather suggestive statement. “Football team,” he murmured. “Not like… <em>Guy</em> guys,” he chuckled nervously. “Or I mean, like… You know- like boys I date or anything.</p><p> </p><p>Alex raised an eyebrow at that.</p><p> </p><p>“Not… Not that I’ve dated any guys before!” Charlie continued nervously. “You’re the first… I mean… We’re not even dating… I just,” he paused, letting out an awkward laugh. “I’ll stop talking now.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shook his head, chuckling. “Charles Hayden Brixton St. George,” he quirked an eyebrow at Charlie “You, my friend, are a certified player.”</p><p> </p><p>“No! No, I’m…” Charlie stammered. “I’ve actually… never been with a guy before,” he said, blue pools meeting Alex’s. “I mean, like, romantically… or… uh,” he laughed, wide-eyed, scanning Alex’s expression. “Like, or more.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh?” Alex asks, perturbed. “More? Like as in… like…” He shoots a wary expression at Charlie. And like peas in a pod, they both nod at the same time and speak in sync.</p><p> </p><p>“Like sex?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Charlie giggles nervously, gently stroking Alex’s arm. They were lying on their sides now, face to face, one arm around the other in unison. “With girls though…”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t need to tell me,” Alex looks away, rolling his eyes. “Hot jock on the football team.” He clicks his tongue, feigning disapproval. “Colour me <em>shocked</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” the taller boy says back, pouting. “That’s not fair. But I suppose that’s a compliment. I’ll take it as one. Besides… what about you?” He deliberated for a moment. “I mean, I know about Jessica, of course, but what about other guys?”</p><p> </p><p><em>Other guys?</em> The thought of that brought a scowl to Alex’s face. The <em>only </em>other guy had been Winston. And he still hadn’t quite forgiven him. He still felt rather shocked and betrayed when he found out that Winston had been investigating Bryce’s death. Alex shuddered at the idea of that, shaking his head. His kiss with Zach didn’t exactly count either.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry,” Charlie moved uncomfortably. “Shouldn’t have asked, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>“No-“ Alex choked out, closing the distance between them once more. “No, it’s fine. I guess I didn’t really tell you about Winston, did I?” He deliberated, letting the rolling anxiety subside. It was never easy, talking about this again. But part of him was ready to at least <em>try</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Winston?” Charlie raised an eyebrow. “Well - I know you dated him, but I don't really know much. All Zach told me was that you guys had dated... and you ended things and wasn't too happy about it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Alex nodded. “I didn’t know this at the time, but he and Monty were involved,” he continued, solemn. “At the time of Bryce’s... murder,” he drew in a breath, heartbeat racing again. He still felt guilty. Every time he thought about it, the guilt would return. “And that’s why I broke up with him.”</p><p> </p><p>Perhaps it’d be something he’d have to live with for a lifetime.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, Alex…” Charlie cooed, worriedly stroking Alex’s face. “I… I'm sorry, I didn't know."</p><p> </p><p>But Alex just shook his head at that. "It's fine- I didn't know either," he murmured. "Looking back, maybe it wasn't that I thought he had an ulterior motive for going after me," he finally said, breath catching. "But now I think I couldn't face the fact that being with him, <em>seeing </em>him, reminded me of what I had done to Bryce."</p><p> </p><p>Charlie listened closely, a reassuring, comforting hand on Alex's frame. For some reason, Alex looked even sadder than he did before, and it was frustrating to realize that there might not be anything he could say to make Alex feel better. The memory must still be freshly emblazoned in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>“See, this is what I mean,” he grimaced. “I’m fucked up. I murdered someone, Charlie. I murdered someone. How can I ever live with that?” He sniffled, voice catching.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie shook his head, mouth open in dissent. “No. No! You’re not fucked up at all,” he said. “You’re a sweet, funny, wholesome guy,” he smiled, trying gently to lighten the mood. “I know that. I’ve seen that with my own eyes.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shook his head again. “But you’re not safe with me,” he sighed.</p><p> </p><p>There was a brief pause, the room falling silent at that. Alex bit his tongue in regret, trying to fight back the urge to speak. “What if they?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie had thought long and hard about that. After all- he had been the one to get involved when he didn't need to. He was the one who had planted the incriminating evidence. Like a heat of the moment thing, realizing that Monty had been wrong, realizing that Monty was in fact a <em>rapist. </em>Looking back, it rankled to imagine how things moved so quickly. </p><p> </p><p>But he knew he had done the right thing. </p><p> </p><p>Even if it damned him in the eyes of the law itself.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” Charlie finally broke the silence. “I know. I know. I helped cover up Bryce’s death too,” he sighed. “All of us. You, me, Jess, Clay, Ani, Zach, Justin, Tony, Tyler,” he shook his head. “All of us had a part to play in that. And you can’t only blame yourself,” he finished.</p><p> </p><p>He deliberated a moment, exhaling gently when he saw Alex's expression lighten up, like a small weight lifted off his heart. </p><p> </p><p>“I guess,” Alex exhaled, blue pools staring at the bedsheets.</p><p> </p><p>“Here,” Charlie murmured, reaching down to grab Alex’s smaller hand, bringing it up so their hands were held in between them. “I promise,” he smiled. “I promise I’ll be here for you, and that you’ll get through this.”</p><p> </p><p>A long pause ensued between them, Charlie staring at Alex, Alex staring at the bedsheets. It was somber, but Charlie felt hopeful. There would be hope for the future. And they could make it work, make <em>them</em> work. He had faith in it.</p><p> </p><p>He just hoped Alex did too.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you,” Alex finally broke the silence. “Thank you, Charlie.”</p><p> </p><p>They stared at one another once more, silently taking in the whole situation, and a wave of serenity swept over them. Being next to Alex, being next to the boy that he had been crushing on for so long – it felt amazing. It felt so normal, so <em>natural</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He met Alex’s lips with his own – it wasn’t a long, kiss. It was chaste but fulfilling. Charlie could appreciate every little detail, although it was short, he could feel and appreciate every little detail, from the shape of Alex’s lips to the way he applied force, to his calming scent. Everything about Alex was so damn mesmerizing and addicting.  </p><p> </p><p>He was already out of breath. Pausing, he broke off the kiss for a brief respite, one to recover the oxygen he lost seemingly instantly, and two to admire Alex’s soft features from afar.  </p><p> </p><p>The distance didn't last long, and Charlie quickly pulled Alex back towards him, once more feeling the need to quell his desire for the boy. Unsurprisingly, the boy put up no resistance, quiet content with having Charlie take the lead.  </p><p> </p><p>"Maybe some part of me will always be sad," Alex finally said, lips flushed, exhaling heavily. "But..." he said, a slight smile forming, "but at the very least... I think... I think I'll be happy being with you," he whispered, raising a hand to stroke Charlie's face. </p><p> </p><p>"Me too," Charlie whispered back, burying his face in the crook of Alex's neck. </p><p> </p><p>And somewhere along the line of their many kisses and fiery touch, Charlie realized that he wasn't just in love with Alex. Alex was his personal brand of heroin. His one and only. </p><p> </p><p>And he had the boy all to himself. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It was early morning when Charlie woke up. His head was no longer hurting from yesterday's riot, where he was knocked unconscious. Instead, he felt a blissful, warm breeze enter the room, followed by rays of golden sunshine. It's not a dream - he knows this. It's a reality, and it's a reality he's grown to love. Or perhaps, it's a reality that he's loved for the longest time, ever since he first laid his eyes on Alex.</p><p> </p><p>"Charlie, come on. Please" Alex's voice came out urgent - but not like yesterday. The urgency was markedly different.</p><p> </p><p>It wasn't a bad thing. </p><p> </p><p>"No," Charlie groaned back, yawning. </p><p> </p><p>"Come on, my folks are up. You gotta sneak out," said Alex, urgently pushing against Charlie's still sleepy frame. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie sighed at that - he did understand, of course. Alex's family didn't know he was here - Alex had kept him in his room for all of last night. He opened his eyes, peering around the room, but it all stopped with Alex.</p><p> </p><p><em>Alex</em>. </p><p> </p><p>"Okay," he finally said back.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah," Alex grinned, sitting up on the bed. "You sleep like you're dead."</p><p> </p><p>Charlie chuckled at that. "I like sleep," he said, peering into Alex's eyes. "I like sleeping next to you."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, me too," Alex said back.</p><p> </p><p>It made him blush a little bit - he probably hadn't even realized it. But hearing Alex say those words, hearing Alex admit it, that he too, <em>wanted </em>Charlie, liked him, meant <em>everything.</em></p><p> </p><p>Their lips met, Charlie a little too engrossed in the kiss to remember that morning breath wasn't exactly a friend when it came to kissing shenanigans. But it didn't matter. He was happy. The happiest man he had ever been since meeting Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>"Someday, maybe we could do more than literally sleep together?" He asked, glancing over at Alex while putting on his shoes. They hadn't <em>slept</em><em> together. </em>But they did sleep together in the literal sense. It made him smile a little, albeit also made him a little embarrassed. </p><p> </p><p>Alex chuckled at that. "Yes, we will someday, but right now, you gotta go." He said, resting a hand on the door handle. </p><p> </p><p>"Or, I could stay and meet your parents!" Charlie beamed back.</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah, or we could meet your dad and the entire Liberty High Booster Club," Alex scoffed, pointing a playful finger at Charlie. "Of which, he's the president."</p><p> </p><p>"Torsheer," Charlie said, laughing.</p><p> </p><p>"You mean touché?" Alex raised an eyebrow. He must be getting tired of all these misused words.</p><p> </p><p>"No," Charlie shook his head. "I don't know that word," he lied, giggling. </p><p> </p><p>Alex rolled his eyes. "Just get out. Go." He chuckled. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie peered out into the hallway - the coast was clear. He took one more look back, acknowledging that <em>yes</em> Alex was sad to have him go. But they had a whole future ahead of them.</p><p> </p><p>Things were just beginning. </p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <span class="u">Chapter 2 Teaser:</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“No, no, Charlie,” Alex said, pulling Charlie back into their embrace. “It’s fine, trust me.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Are you sure?” Charlie asked, raising an eyebrow in concern. “Do you think you’re ready?” He asked, gently caressing Alex’s chest.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I want this,” Alex exhaled, burying his face in the crook of Charlie’s neck. “I… We’ve been waiting, haven’t we?” He breathed. “And I kinda wanted to do this before I had to leave for Berkeley, y’know?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Yes…” Charlie nodded. “We have… And I want this… I want you, too,” he finally said.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He wanted this too.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>That set him off. In an instant, their hands were on one another again, touching, kissing with fire and passion. Alex pressed a kiss against Charlie’s neck, cycling between gentle and teasing, and passionate and aggressive. The heat was really beginning to coil in his gut, soft moans, and weighty breaths escaping his lips. Alex was good at this. It took an incredible amount of self-control for Charlie to not immediately give in to temptation, to give in to desire.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But not that it mattered anyway.</em>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Bloom</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Fast forward a few months and it's summer time. </p><p>Alex and Charlie share a passionate night in bed before Alex has to go to Berkeley and their relationship going Long Distance.</p><p>Smutty. Frotting. Blowjobs. Anal, that sort of stuff.</p><p>Viewer discretion is advised!</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello everyone, this is part 2!</p><p>I've realized because I've become so invested, I might just continue updating this more - maybe up to say, 5 parts?</p><p>I would ideally like to explore times when Alex comes back and sees a football game, and they share a nice, romantic dinner date or something along those lines.</p><p>And because this is 13RW, I would also like to explore some more angstier themes, some ups and downs in their relationship.</p><p>And of course, I want to write *another* prom scene, as the age gap between them makes it possible to have two! </p><p>Let me know if you guys would like this! When I have time again after my midterms, I promise I'll update this if everyone is on board, and wants more!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Love is music, and sex is only the instrument"</em>
</p><p>- <strong>Isabel Allende</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"> <strong>August 19th, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p>It was late. Later than Alex had been expecting, when his dad came home, and he was sure that both his parents and his brother were asleep. He counted each passing second, the faint sound of running water in the background filling his ears. It felt a little cold in his room. But maybe that could be attributed to the nothingness between his body and the bed.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, the sound of running water ceased, and a wave of anticipation washed over him. Alex felt a jolt of excitement run through his spine, and it wasn’t long until he heard the frame of his door creak open and see Charlie’s larger silhouette move through.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, close the door,” Alex whispered, straining his eyes to make out Charlie’s finer details. It was too dark to see.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh right,” Charlie murmured, gently closing the door behind him. Alex didn’t even need to say anything, as he heard the familiar click of the lock. They were now alone.</p><p> </p><p>It occurred to him that Charlie was shirtless. Not only that, he had just showered, and had nothing but a towel wrapped around him. It caused Alex to blush like crazy – not out of embarrassment, but because Charlie was just so damn hot.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Charlie began, awkward. “I um… let me just… put on my boxers and…”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, for fuck's sake, Charlie, just come here,” Alex sighed, gesturing Charlie over towards the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Well,” Charlie smiled. “If you say so.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie climbed into the bed, snuggling warmly next to Alex. The extra added weight caused the bedframe to creak just slightly, but having Charlie next to him felt warming – both physically and mentally. Immediately, Alex felt at ease.</p><p> </p><p>“Done packing?” Charlie asked, wrinkling his nose at the thought. “You’re leaving for Berkeley tomorrow, aren’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>It was difficult, Alex could tell. Although Charlie tried to keep it down, the sadness and disappointment in his voice were unmistakable. They would have to do long-distance, at least while Charlie finished up high school at Liberty.</p><p> </p><p>“Mhm,” Alex nodded, resting his head on Charlie’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>Truth be told, it wasn’t any easier for Alex either. Even though he’d still be seeing Charlie and his football games, it rankled to imagine their relationship going long-distance when the past few months together over the summer were so happy.</p><p> </p><p><em>Damn it</em>, Alex thought. <em>You’re making this harder than it needs to be</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It was Charlie’s greatest perk. He was so sweet, so kind, so soft. Alex would miss this too. Miss this a real lot. He had imagined it – a world without Charlie. It would always make him sad. He had hoped that this would be easier.</p><p> </p><p>But when had life ever been easy for him?</p><p> </p><p>He bit his tongue in distaste at that.</p><p> </p><p>“You know I’m going to miss you,” Charlie sighed, shaking his head. “I’m going to be lonely while waiting for you,” he breathed. “But I’m happy. I’m happy for you, and I know you’ll do great at Berkeley.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to miss you too, Charlie,” Alex whispered. “A hell of a lot, you know?” He shook his head. “At least I’ll try to make it to as many of your football games.”</p><p> </p><p>“Only if you have the time to, okay?” Charlie said, raising an eyebrow in concern. “I want to see you, but your education comes first.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah… Alright,” Alex said back.</p><p> </p><p>Several long moments of silence passed, the two of them lying comfortably in one another’s warm embrace. It felt almost surreal to think that this would be the last time in a while for both of them to do this. The more Alex thought about it, the more it hurt. Silently, he stared into Charlie’s blue depths, gently rustling his hair, caressing his face.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted this night to be memorable.</p><p> </p><p>Strangely, it felt like the room had gotten colder again. Alex frowned at that, peering over at the windowsill. He had left it open, and it seemed there had been a cold front today. “Do you feel that?” He furrowed his brow. “It’s kinda cold.”</p><p> </p><p>He looked over at his boyfriend. Charlie nodded in agreement. “Must be the window,” he grimaced. “Here, I’ll go-“</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Alex grunted. “I’ll get it.”</p><p> </p><p>He got up from the bed, his fingers being the last thing to depart from Charlie’s grasp. Opening the shutters, he looked out, seeing pitch blackness, illuminated only by the dim luster of a crescent moon and the streetlamps. But it was quiet.</p><p> </p><p>He sighed, grunting as he pulled the frame of the windowsill over, closing it.</p><p> </p><p>He looked over at Charlie. He could make out the details of Charlie’s face now – the faint shimmer of moonlight making its way through the semi-closed shutters.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie was crying.</p><p> </p><p>It caused Alex’s heart to crack.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh Charlie,” Alex whispered, fighting back the tears himself. “I know… I know,” he exhaled. “I hate it just as much as you.”</p><p> </p><p>He bit his tongue, holding his words in, reining in control. “But we’ll see each other,” he added. “I promise.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie didn’t say anything. Just nodded at the remark.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lied back down on the bed, exhaling in relief at the warmth of the bed frame, with Charlie next to him. He turned onto his side so that he could fully see Charlie again.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie was so beautiful, so perfect, even in tears.</p><p> </p><p>Shaking his head, Alex put a hand on Charlie’s face, gently caressing him, wiping away the tears. And in that moment, no words could suffice, could substitute. There was nothing to say that couldn’t be communicated like this, lying next to one another. It was surreal. It was serene like their surroundings had disappeared under the weight of Charlie’s touches. Shivering, he leaned in closer, warmth radiating through his body when their lips touch.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie answers the kiss, almost too eagerly, falling headfirst into the comfortably smaller frame that was Alex’s. There was a noted desire, a noted passion, in the way that Charlie kissed him, something that made up for what Alex felt like his own lack of experience.</p><p> </p><p>Whether by chance or intuition, Charlie keeps finding every little thing that Alex loves. Small gestures like he did now, sliding one hand into Alex’s hair to tug at the strands. Small things like the gentle fingers that stroke his cleanly shaved face. Alex’s response was instinctive, head dipping back to bare his throat, and then Charlie was right there, mouthing at the delicate skin, claiming Alex’s surrender, mouth hot and wicked and by the heavens, Alex had no answer to this.</p><p> </p><p>They kissed again, this time a little more passionate, Alex getting lost in it, lost in Charlie, and it’s only the need for oxygen that separated the two.</p><p> </p><p>Breathing heavily, they looked over at one another, faces flushed and warm.</p><p> </p><p>And right then and there, Alex knew what he wanted.</p><p> </p><p>It had been a few months together – Alex had brought up the topic with Charlie before, telling him that he would like to wait, which Charlie obliged. Both of them had wanted to, had agreed to wait.</p><p> </p><p>But now, he felt confident. Strong. Ready.</p><p> </p><p>“C…Charlie,” he began, breathing hard. “I uh…”</p><p> </p><p>He didn’t get that far. In the next instant, Charlie’s lips were on his own again, his arms gently tugging at Alex’s smaller frame, caressing his soft, exposed skin. It was intoxicating.</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t take long for Alex to start reciprocating. The familiar heat, the pounding impulse, the rush of blood through his veins. He moaned softly, letting Charlie pull him in even closer until their bodies were flushed and right next to one another.</p><p> </p><p>Purely spurred on by emotion and need, Alex probably didn’t even realize what he was doing, why he was doing it. All he knew was that he could never have wanted someone more. Because right there, in each other arms, nothing would change.</p><p> </p><p>The next moments passed in a haze, dialogue ceasing. In each other’s arms, everything could be left unsaid. The raw, unadulterated emotions spoke for themselves.</p><p> </p><p>When Charlie returned the action, with even more force, cupping the boy’s face as he deepened their trail of kisses, Alex put up no resistance. Charlie’s breaths were a mess, and he wasted no time in savoring the soft, sweet warmth of it. Alex let instinct take over, eyes fluttering shut as his tongue found refuge in Charlie’s wet, warm cavern.</p><p> </p><p>How different kissing like this was. He could already feel the heat pool in his core, spreading all the way to the tips of his fingers. He wanted this, wanted this so damn much.</p><p> </p><p>Alex pressed a knee in between Charlie’s legs, moaning into his boyfriend’s mouth when he was met with resistance through the towel. Charlie was already hard. And frankly, so was he.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh fuck,” Charlie grimaced. “S-sorry,” he stuttered, nervously trying to generate more distance.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, Charlie,” Alex said, pulling Charlie back into their embrace. “It’s fine, trust me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure?” Charlie asked, raising an eyebrow in concern. “Do you think you’re ready?” He asked, gently caressing Alex’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>“I want this,” Alex exhaled, burying his face in the crook of Charlie’s neck. “I… We’ve been waiting, haven’t we?” He breathed. “And I kinda wanted to do this before I had to leave for Berkeley, y’know?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes…” Charlie nodded. “We have… And I want this… I want you, too,” he finally said.</p><p> </p><p><em>He wants this too</em>.</p><p> </p><p>That set him off. In an instant, their hands were on one another again, touching, kissing with fire and passion. Alex pressed a kiss against Charlie’s neck, cycling between gentle and teasing, and passionate and aggressive. The heat was really beginning to coil in his gut, soft moans, and weighty breaths escaping his lips. Alex was good at this. It took an incredible amount of self-control for Charlie to not immediately give in to temptation, to give in to desire.</p><p> </p><p>But not that it mattered anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie let out a moan into Alex’s mouth, and for a moment, he lost any composure that he thought he had before. He pressed forward again, meeting Alex halfway, eyes tightly shut in pleasure. He could feel Alex, hard, and pressing into his thigh through his briefs. It made his own erection twitch under the towel.</p><p> </p><p>“You like that?” Alex asked, sliding a hand in whatever space was left between them to palm at Charlie’s covered cock. Finally, he removed the towel, hands clumsily trying to remove his own underwear amidst their many kisses, unfettered and untamed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Charlie finally answered, shifting a leg in between Alex’s to allow both of them to rut against one another in sloppy, messy motions. It’s still too dim to make out the finest intricacies of one another, but he could still see, still savor the way that Alex blinked at him, needy, desperate for more.</p><p> </p><p>It’s exciting. It's nerve-wracking. It’s <em>everything</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex could really feel the warmth now, radiating from Charlie’s larger frame despite how dim the room was. Charlie’s skin was flush, warm, heated from the crazy sexual tension. Charlie’s thighs were toned, no doubt from playing so much football. It gave it musculature and tone, but nonetheless, parted at Alex’s discretion, allowing him to wrap his hand around Charlie’s throbbing cock.</p><p> </p><p>Oh, he's seen it before - more than once. They never got too far on doing basically anything, but it was always a welcome sight for the eyes.</p><p> </p><p>They had cuddled several times the friction often resulting in awkward boners or waking up next to each other hard in the morning. Just guy things – both of them never really thought too much about it besides the few teasing comments here and there. Then there were the few handjobs here and there - but they hadn't dared to do more, vowing to take it slowly.</p><p> </p><p>But this, this was different.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie moaned, letting out a soft sigh as Alex started stroking his cock, before shifting his body weight even closer, letting a hand move around so that he could claw at Alex’s ass, pushing them even closer. The feeling of Alex’s now exposed cock brushing against his own was intoxicating. They stayed like that for a while, the friction between them mind-numbingly good.</p><p> </p><p>Alex ended their chain of kisses, grinning as he made his way down to the crook of Charlie’s neck, and then finally his collarbone, leaving trails of kisses, driving his boyfriend crazy. He was so damn sensitive, every nerve ending firing as the heat pooled more and more in his gut.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, he made his way down to Charlie’s cock. He was a bit bigger than Alex had been expecting but he certainly wasn’t complaining about that, hair trimmed around the base of the shaft. The mere sight is mesmerizing, and Alex has to will himself to stop staring and to start working.</p><p> </p><p>Alex realized suddenly that he had never given a blowjob before. Sure, he’d been on the receiving end a few times, first with Jessica then with the hookers that Bryce had brought him to. So then how hard could it possibly be?</p><p> </p><p>He started off slow – just the way Alex would like it himself, tongue teasingly starting from the underside of Charlie’s cock, making his way to the bottom of the head – where he knows it felt the most pleasurable.</p><p> </p><p>It didn’t take a genius to figure out how much Charlie was enjoying this, a choked whine escaping his lips, almost loud enough that Alex was worried it would wake up his family.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s whole frame is shaking, fingers trembling even as they made their way through Alex’s soft, brown locks, gently pulling him down, to let Alex take even more of the length of his cock. It’s intoxicating. It’s warm. It’s everything.</p><p> </p><p>“This good?” Alex breathed, pausing again to press a kiss against the corner of Charlie’s mouth, doing his best puppy eyes impression, before returning to work, letting his tongue flick its way from the base of the shaft all the way to the head, and again, and again, before finally taking the full length in again.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Fuck</em>,” Charlie choked out. “Yes,” he said, fingers tugging at Alex’s hair again, before thrusting gently upwards so that his entire dick was now in Alex’s mouth.</p><p> </p><p>It was almost too much, but Alex resisted gagging. His nose was met with the trimmed patch of hair at the base of Charlie’s cock, the familiar but subtle scent of musk enveloping his senses. It was intoxicating, like a deadly drug. Everything about Charlie, from his cock, the sensation of skin against skin, his scent was completely overruling.</p><p> </p><p>Alex paused again for a moment, deliberating as he ran his hands up Charlie’s thighs, savoring in the lines of muscle from a boy who was so tensed up from pure pleasure, before retaking hold of his erect length, letting his tongue make its way up the shaft and down again, and while sucking, Charlie let out a weighted moan.</p><p> </p><p>He must be close.</p><p> </p><p>“A-Alex,” Charlie managed to get out. “Alex, you gotta-“</p><p> </p><p>And he paused, looking up at his boyfriend to verify that everything was okay. “You okay?” He asked, shifting away to lie back down next to Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah,” Charlie replied, exhaling heavily. “I was… I was about to come,” he said. “I didn’t want to end it so short, you know. I mean, I want to do more,” he finally said.</p><p> </p><p><em>Oh</em>. Well, that was relieving. Alex smiled back, nodding. “Me too,” he finally said, before pressing another kiss against Charlie’s lips.</p><p> </p><p>Embracing again, they held each other again, this time Charlie shifting his body weight up against Alex. Both of them groaned at the feeling of bare, flushed skin coming into contact, and the pleasure of their naked erections, cradled by their hips, pressing against one another.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Charlie stopped, making his way down to Alex’s cock. He’s a little bit smaller than Charlie’s, but it was nothing to be ashamed about. Slowly, he started working on Alex’s cock, much like Alex was doing just minutes ago.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie, too, had no experience on the giving end of a blowjob. But he imagined it couldn’t be too difficult either – he had received a couple over the years as a star football player. But he made it work.</p><p> </p><p>Repeating the pattern that Alex had done, Charlie got his boyfriend moaning, whimpering again in just moments, the slightly uncomfortable taste of pre-come leaking from the tip of his cock. It was electric, it was fire. It was like every nerve in Alex’s body was firing, unable to cope with the sudden waves of pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes briefly met again, and maybe it was because this was really a first time thing for both of them, but the feeling of Charlie’s lips around his embarrassingly rock-hard cock felt so good, making him see stars, dizzy with pleasure. Alex bit his lip, so hard he was afraid it would draw blood, all to hold back what might be a loud moan that would threaten to wake his family.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s hands found their way to Charlie’s already messy hair, tugging slowly. Charlie couldn’t quite take his entire length, but he made up for it, wrapping his hand around the base of Alex’s cock while once more teasing the sensitive tip with his tongue, lashing over it in an infuriatingly teasing manner. There was the slightest, faintest hint of teeth, grazing the underside of his already so-sensitive cock, causing Alex’s head to throw back in pleasure.</p><p> </p><p><em>Fuck</em>, it was so good.</p><p> </p><p>It was surreal, and somehow it made the whole feeling even more intense, the feeling of Charlie sucking his cock, making his thoughts run wild, unfettered, untamed.</p><p> </p><p>“C-Charlie,” he moaned, knees buckling a little, making his boyfriend choke a tiny bit.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s eyes opened, and he felt mortified. It must have been clearly visible, because Charlie just smiled back at him, whispering gently that it was okay, a bit of spit making its way down the corner of his lips. It looked obscene like it defiled Charlie’s beauty.</p><p> </p><p>But <em>fuck,</em> it felt good.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie kissed him again, wet, pinning Alex down onto the bed with his larger body frame. The heat was pooling like crazy in his gut, and he wanted more. He wanted this so much. He wanted <em>Charlie</em> in him. Clearly, Charlie must have thought the same, as he suddenly asked, “Did you want to do more?” He breathed, pressing his forehead against Alex’s own, to which Alex simply nods.</p><p> </p><p>Alex was a bit scared, a bit nervous, of course, but he knew he wanted this.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you have… a condom?” Charlie finally asked, his blue eyes staring straight into Alex’s own. “And lube?”</p><p> </p><p>That caused Alex to smirk.</p><p> </p><p>He had come prepared for this – trembling in anticipation as he nodded back, before reaching into the night drawer to pull out a package of condoms and a bottle of lube.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Charlie nervously laughed. “You do.”</p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah,” said Alex. “I uh… Well, I guess it was… Well, I was hoping we could do this soon,” he finally said, apparently quite confident in his case. “To fuck.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie nodded back, trembling a little in anticipation. “Um,” he began, suddenly nervous at the prospect.</p><p> </p><p>“Can you fuck me?” Alex’s voice was hoarse, panting, but the words were crystal clear.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie stared back, wide-eyed like he couldn’t believe this was happening. “Me… Fuck you?” He asked, to which Alex nodded back. And it made him smile, made his still erect cock twitch, because yes, <em>yes</em> he wanted that.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright, just give me a minute,” Alex whispered, before opening the wrapping. His fingers fumbled clumsily with the condom, so much so that Charlie suddenly just said, “here, let me do that,” and so he relented.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, Charlie was able to get the condom on, before applying a generous amount of lube to his finger, followed by another. “I uh… Alex…” he whispered. “If… if this hurts… If in any way you don’t like it, let me know immediately,” he exhaled, once more burying his face in Alex’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>A part of him felt obligated on a moral and ethical level to say that.</p><p> </p><p>Looking back at Liberty High, it was surreal just how fucked up everything was.</p><p> </p><p><em>Consent</em>. All about consent.</p><p> </p><p>He swore he would never, he <em>could </em>never take advantage of anyone, especially Alex, that way. Not after everything. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay?” He asked again, voice hoarse, desperate for more, but forcing himself under control.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s… it’s okay,” Alex finally spoke. “I want you… I know I do,” he moaned, squirming restlessly, aching for so much more.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright,” Charlie exhaled, before gently propping himself above his boyfriend. Despite Alex’s consent, he wanted to first test the waters, to make sure nothing could go wrong, that everything would be fine. It was their first time doing this, and he wanted it to go well, a night they’d remember.</p><p> </p><p>Setting the boy back down, Charlie ghosted a hand down Alex’s thigh, before going under, and finally up, towards Alex’s ass. The familiar sensation of his boyfriend’s ass against his hands was overruling. It spurred him onward, encouraged him to continue, to explore that region he had never dared to with any girl he had ever had sex with.</p><p> </p><p>“Just… try to relax, okay?” Charlie murmured, gently pressing a kiss against Alex’s lips, before turning his attention to the boy’s earlobe. His lips found purchase, carefully letting his teeth find their mark. Alex’s scent was intoxicating.</p><p> </p><p>Alex went tense for a brief moment, grimacing as Charlie’s kisses trailed down to his jawline, then his neck, and- <em>Fuck</em> he wasn’t expecting that new pressure coming from the other side of his body.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s finger, circling Alex’s tight entrance, cheekily testing the waters, never once daring to move forward, finally went through. One finger. Two? Alex couldn’t quite tell, couldn’t process anything as the sudden static wiped his mind blank, crying out softly in pleasure as Charlie pushed forward, instinctively tightening his hold over Charlie’s athletic frame, clawing into his skin, holding him close, holding him tightly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not… I’m not hurting you… Am I?” Charlie suddenly asked, a sudden pang of fear as he tried to decipher Alex’s expression. He was afraid of hurting Alex, losing him, even if every cell in his body was aching, was <em>screaming </em>for more.</p><p> </p><p>Dazed, Alex could barely speak, barely even moan. He just shook his head, whimpering in discomfort at Charlie’s sudden cessation in motion.</p><p> </p><p>He wanted <em>more</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s muscles finally loosened up as Charlie turned his attention to the one, last unexplored region of Alex’s body.</p><p> </p><p>That relaxed hole.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie had never done this before, but he had a good idea of how this would be done. He inserted one more finger back in, pausing momentarily to see if there would be any sign of discomfort, any indication that he was going too far.</p><p> </p><p>Alex didn’t go tense.</p><p> </p><p>So Charlie pushed in again, deeper, making sure to go slowly until he was certain he had reached Alex’s prostate.</p><p> </p><p>“Ahh,” Alex let out a sudden moan, eyes rapidly blinking as he felt Charlie’s finger in him, teasing his prostate, chaste, before pulling back out. He wanted more.</p><p> </p><p>One more kiss. Holding Alex’s frame closer, upright, Charlie crushed their lips together again, before positioning his embarrassingly hard cock at his boyfriend’s pulsating entrance. His hands moved down, palming at his ass, propping Alex upright just a little bit more, letting the boy’s legs rest on his shoulders, before moving in.</p><p> </p><p>And <em>fuck</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex was so tight, just the mere feeling of the boy’s ass pushing against his cock was driving him insane. He felt his inhibition vanishing, and Charlie had to momentarily restrain himself from giving into pure instinct. He breathed hard, panting heavily as he collapsed over the boy, taking care not to twist their bodies painfully, especially with his cock buried in Alex’s ass. They reached a more comfortable, lying position.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you… are you ready?” Charlie breathed.</p><p> </p><p>Alex nodded back, letting his scrunched-up features relax against the sudden intrusion. His thighs and ass were not so compliant, however, clenching and unclenching uncontrollably at the sensation of Charlie inside of him.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Charlie started thrusting, until all he could see and feel was the burning heat around his cock. His mind was blank, succumb to the cascading warmth and tightness that was Alex. Charlie moved again, and a shudder went through his body. The tingling sensation, the pooling heat in his gut were unmistakable.</p><p> </p><p>But it wouldn’t be fair if only he got off. He let go of one of Alex’s legs, hands ghosting down to Alex’s neglected cock. He was still rock hard as if the glistening pre-come didn’t speak for itself. It caused Alex to gasp in pleasure, holding on even tighter. It made Charlie moan in pleasure again, feeling Alex’s cock twitch involuntarily at his touch. Slowly, he started jerking Alex off, slow pumps building up to match the growing, escalating rhythm of his thrusts. Slowly but surely, the growing heat and tightness sent him more and more into overdrive.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie suddenly couldn’t think. Couldn’t see. Only felt that sweet, warm, tight hole clenching and unclenching around his cock while he kept up his thrusts, kept up his pumps. It felt so good. Making love with the boy he loved.</p><p> </p><p>So he picked up the pace, aiming for Alex’s sweet spot, eliciting moan after moan with every thrust of his cock. Pleasure was surging through his body, making his fingers tingle, his toes curl. He had not forgotten that he still had a hand wrapped around Alex’s dick, his slow, teasing pumps, combined with his thrusts were driving him insane. Every muscle in Charlie’s body went tense, forgetting to relax when Charlie once more pressed their lips together, taking in Alex’s warm, sweet breath, tongue finding access past his too-kissable lips.</p><p> </p><p>It was <em>electric.</em></p><p> </p><p>“I’m close… I’m close,” Charlie exhaled.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex immediately opened up his eyes, meeting Charlie’s. The intensity of Charlie’s gaze nearly drove him over the edge, and he took a shuddering breath. Charlie’s pupils were fully dilated, from both the dimly lit room and pure, unfettered arousal.</p><p> </p><p>In that instant, no other words could bridge the gap, could replicate or substitute for the actions that spoke several times louder. Charlie picked up the pace, knees buckling as he redoubled his efforts, fucking Alex harder, fucking him faster.</p><p> </p><p>“Kiss… Kiss me,” Alex suddenly demanded.</p><p> </p><p>And of course, Charlie obliged, one hand cupping Alex’s face, and one hand pumping Alex’s dick, all the while his cock still buried in Alex’s ass. The raw sensation of Alex’s full lips against his own made his head swim like crazy.</p><p> </p><p>Made both of them dizzy.</p><p> </p><p>One stroke? Two? He couldn’t tell.</p><p> </p><p>Alex finally came with a small cry, come splattering over Charlie’s fingers, onto his stomach, and onto his chest. It was almost vulgar looking, trembling violently with the force of his orgasm, knees buckling uncontrollably.</p><p> </p><p>When he was finally done, Charlie exhaled, letting Alex rest for a brief moment, before he continued.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you happy?” Charlie breathed, finding his voice amidst the heat in his core, about to burst. He was so close, but he wanted to hear Alex’s voice. He wanted to hear the answer.</p><p> </p><p>Alex was dazed, still numb from coming. But it didn’t stop him anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes.”</p><p> </p><p>And that was it. Short. Simple.</p><p> </p><p>The simplicity of it all made it all the better, and Charlie’s vision went white. Pleasure surged through his veins, his cock; it was indescribable. It all started and ended with Alex.</p><p> </p><p>He toppled over, giving in to the orgasm, tumbling into Alex’s smaller frame. He hadn’t pulled out yet, too dazed, too exhausted.</p><p> </p><p>But he could stare. Peer into Alex’s blue pools, relishing in the shared understanding of one another. They both needed to get up eventually and clean up, Charlie knew that. But still, he couldn’t help but drag out the moment longer, to hold Alex in his arms a little bit longer.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Alex finally said. “That was… That was good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” Charlie said back, exhausted. “Ah… it was.”</p><p> </p><p>“Guess that gives me one more reason to come back to see you,” Alex giggled, gently kissing Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“You better visit,” Charlie purred, pressing their foreheads against one another. He was tired, so drained. He was still sad, a little bit, knowing that he wouldn’t get to see his boyfriend for some time. But he was happy. He was happy for this moment, happy for them. “Whenever you can.”</p><p> </p><p>“Promise?” Charlie asked, already knowing the answer – but he wanted to hear it. Hear Alex say it.</p><p> </p><p>“I promise,” Alex replied, resting a head on Charlie’s shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>And it wasn’t long for sleep to take hold of them.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Chapter 3 Teaser:</span>
</p><p>“Thought you looked familiar on second glance. Your dad’s the president of the Liberty Booster Club,” Alex’s roommate finally answers for him, nodding in earnest. “I’m from Crestmont too. Though… I didn’t go to Liberty High.”</p><p> </p><p>He pauses, and Alex can swear he saw Jacob turn his gaze over to <em>him.</em> “Still, I know who you are.”</p><p> </p><p>For a split second, Alex feels a flash of shock, followed immediately by a pang of discomfort. Instinctively, he reaches out a hand to Charlie, who sits back down with him on the bed. It’s clear Charlie was made just as uncomfortable by this.</p><p> </p><p>“Relax. I went to Hillcrest,” his roommate says, smiling slightly. “Heard a lot about them Liberty kids, you know. Especially when... Jessica? Was that her name - ruined our football game."</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s eyes meet his boyfriend’s again, only to be met with the same look of confusion and mounting discomfort. He swallows, finding himself grinding his teeth.</p><p> </p><p><em>Hillcrest </em>.</p><p> </p><p>That was Bryce’s school – after he had been expelled from Liberty High. That's also the football game where HO staged their protest.</p><p> </p><p>The night Bryce Walker was killed. </p><p> </p><p>Alex sucks in a breath – it’s entirely involuntary, but he feels something he’s been wrangling with for quite some time.</p><p> </p><p><em>Fear </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Grimacing, he exhales sharply, trying his best to appear natural. </p><p> </p><p>It’s disconcerting – like a memory he doesn’t want to relive. His gaze meets Jacob’s for a second, and in an instant, he’s taken back. The world feels timeless as if the passing seconds could be hours, and reality briefly slows to a standstill. Alex closes his eyes, and in an instant, he sees everything.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please leave reviews if you have the time! I always want to improve my writing, and it keeps me motivated, especially if enough people want to see a part 3, 4, and even 5!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Day One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex's first day moving into Berkeley is not nearly as fun as he expects.</p><p>Fortunately, he's got Charlie with him. But even Charlie's uncomfortable with this.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hello again everyone. So because this story became more popular than I had been expecting, I felt so compelled to continue writing.</p><p>I will try to update this once every 1-2 weeks. It may come out earlier, it may come out later, depending on how school is going for me. </p><p>I've decided that the direction of the story will eventually hit a slow-burning angst, culminating in something drastic that tests the limits of their relationship. BUT, there will be a happy ending, and plenty of wholesome moments as well. </p><p>While the pacing of the story will be slightly off (due to this originally being a 2 parter, then a 5 parter, then now an I don't even know how long parter, lol) - but I have a pretty strong framework in mind for this story. </p><p>I was originally intending to have fewer, large chapters, but ultimately have decided the story is best told in bite-sized chapters, 4-5k words.</p><p>The story will be told mostly from Alex's PoV, but Charlie's PoV will be the spotlight for a couple of chapters - especially towards the climax of the story. </p><p>Bear with me. Tags will be updated as the story goes as to not spoil anything, but it will get a bit dark. And as I said again, there WILL be a happy ending, a really happy one, actually.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it"</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>- Albus Dumbledore</strong>
</p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"> <strong>August 20<sup>th</sup>, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p>The pavement is warm under his feet, but not so warm that it burned like it quite did just weeks ago. Alex likes it though, likes how gentle the breeze feels, likes how the heat is wrapped in lingering coolness – the fleeting summer and approaching autumn. Although summer has always been his favorite season, this year’s autumn signifies something different for him. It signifies the start of his freshman year.</p><p> </p><p>And more importantly, it signifies a new chapter of his life.</p><p> </p><p>It means being away from Liberty High, being away from all the drama, all the shit that had gone down in the past four years, like a never-ending nightmare. From Hannah to the trial, to Bryce’s death, and finally to keep all that a secret. It means he can put it all past him and look towards the future.</p><p> </p><p>His face twists into a half-scowl though, ruefully acknowledging that it would also mean he’d be away from Charlie. </p><p> </p><p>Charles Hayden Brixton St. George.</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs, turning around to see the last piece of luggage hit the floor from the trunk of his dad’s car, looking apologetically at his boyfriend, who just smiles reassuringly back in return. It’s a little forced – Alex realizes, and he grimaces, knowing that Charlie must feel the same way about all this.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” Charlie says quietly, silently watching the growing crowd converge at the entrances of the dorm. “I-I guess this is it,” he says. “Here’s Berkeley.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t… you don’t look too happy,” Alex says back in disappointment. “It’ll be okay – you know I’ll try to visit you as much as possible… And I know you can visit me too.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks over at Charlie, forcing a smile, trying his best to look as convincing as he possibly could without seeming childish – something he ruefully acknowledges that he isn’t very good at. Still, at the very least, it seems to cheer up Charlie a little bit.</p><p> </p><p>“ I-I just wish I could’ve graduated with you,” Charlie admits, looking at his feet. Alex is thrown off-guard for a moment – Charlie isn’t typically one to talk about his feelings a whole lot, and it’s something that Alex took a while to fully understand. For so long, he was always the one to confide in Charlie, tell him about his own insecurities, his fears. Things such as that.</p><p> </p><p>Things that make all these little confessions from Charlie that much more meaningful and precious. Like a symbol and banner of trust and a step forward in their relationship together.</p><p> </p><p>“I know… I know,” Alex replies, gently squeezing Charlie’s larger hand. “I hate leaving you, too, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Alex,” Charlie says back. “I’ll be fine – I’ll manage at Liberty. It’s just one more year for me, then I can finally start adulting like the rest of you guys,” he smiles, letting out a chuckle.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I know you’ll be fine,” Alex mumbles, almost letting out a humorless laugh. “You’re the hot jock, the new quarterback on the football team, you’re tall, you’re rich, you’re smart, buff, hung-“</p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Charlie cuts in, twisting his mouth sideways. “Hey, you’re my boyfriend. Everything you just listed is for your eyes only,” he frowns.</p><p> </p><p>“Even the quarterback part?” Alex chimes in, taking the opportunity to snuggle a little closer. </p><p> </p><p>“Maybe,” he says, taking advantage of the moment to hug Alex in a warm, tight embrace. He’ll miss this, he knows, but they prepared for this. Berkeley is just a little over an hour's drive from Crestmont, which isn’t too bad. Maybe it’s not always feasible for a weekly thing, cost-wise, but yes, once in a while, they could come to see each other.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m more worried about you,” Charlie murmurs. “I’m sure there’ll be lots of hot guys…” he pauses, shooting a suspicious glance at the crowd. “And <em>girls</em>, just waiting for you at all the big bashes.”</p><p> </p><p>To which Alex frowns back at him. “Come on, Charlie, don’t say that,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Besides, I don’t think I’m really one to party,” he continues, letting out a long sigh. </p><p> </p><p>“Really? Because I’m pretty sure we watched a flick over weed brownies that time.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you mean the time Clay hit up Valerie?”</p><p> </p><p>“Cheated on Ani and beat up Valerie’s boyfriend?”</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t be like him,” </p><p> </p><p>“I won’t. But we still owe our world to him, you know."</p><p> </p><p>"Yeah..." says Alex, smiling a bit. “He really did…”</p><p> </p><p>They both share a light-hearted chuckle at that and put their arms around one another affectionately. Time was flying by, and soon, Charlie would have to help Alex bring his things in, and then maybe they could settle down. Alex has a roommate. They haven’t met yet, but they’ve texted a few times. The university was nice enough to at least let them both know who they’d be rooming with. </p><p> </p><p>“Make sure you don’t get tempted either,” Charlie snickers, rubbing a thumb against Alex’s cheek. “Or else,”</p><p> </p><p>To which Alex groans. “God, Charlie, I’m not a child,” he says, lightly pushing his boyfriend away. “You’re actually younger than me!”</p><p> </p><p>“And more mature too!” A voice chimes in from behind them.</p><p> </p><p>Alex and Charlie both turn around, eyes falling on a very pretty girl, marked by her rather high sense of fashion and what Alex guesses are $300 Ray-Bans. Oh, and also his ex-girlfriend and best friend. It’s no one else but Jessica Davis.</p><p> </p><p>“Jess!” Alex beams, excitedly dragging Charlie over to meet Jess halfway. “You made it!” </p><p> </p><p>They form an awkward group hug, laughing in sync at being able to see each other again. Charlie glances over at Alex, smiling a little when he realizes at least one other person will be with Alex at Berkeley. So at the very least, he won’t be all alone. It’s worrying too, he thinks – somewhere at the back of his mind. And not because Jess is his boyfriend’s ex-girlfriend, but because of the dark history they shared together.</p><p> </p><p>That all <em>three </em>of them share together.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” she greets, nodding at him. “How are you, Charlie?” Jess asks, smiling warmly at his boyfriend. </p><p> </p><p>“Been better,” he replies back. “But not too bad. Had a good summer?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, just great,” she sighs, shaking her head in annoyance. “I’m gonna love getting away from home and the shitshow that was Liberty High,” she chimes.</p><p> </p><p>Alex and Charlie share a worried glance at that, shuffling uneasily at the casual mention of home. It’s a bit of a disconcerting, uncomfortable memory that all three of them plus many more unfortunately share. Memories that they’d rather forget and just move on from. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, I’m sorry,” Jess quickly interjects. “Didn’t mean to bring the mood down. Besides, Charlie’s still gonna be there,” she smiles, looking over at the quarterback. “He’ll keep things in order. Man’s a good influence on them football jocks.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie glances back at her, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. “I-I am?” he says. </p><p> </p><p>“Well, you’re better than like, 99% of them,” she rolls her eyes, lightly punching Charlie in the arm. “Besides…”</p><p> </p><p>Her face pulls into a frown, and she bites her tongue at that. No more words had to be said – everyone understood what she meant, or rather, <em>who</em> she meant by that. </p><p> </p><p><em>Justin </em>. </p><p> </p><p>They haven’t talked much about that ever since the funeral, much rather avoid the subject altogether. It’ll take time – the three of them know that. Things don’t just disappear overnight, or even over weeks or months just like that.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks ruefully at her, almost with regret. He tries to find the right words to comfort her but knows her well enough to know there’s nothing he could say. And so, he opts to stay silent, simply leaning in closer to hug her warmly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” she finally says, sighing. “Really! I’m okay, I promise,” she says, putting on a smile. It’s a little forced, but it’s not fake.</p><p> </p><p>There’s definitely a ray of hope there.</p><p> </p><p>They stay like that in awkward silence, until the trio hears a rather loud voice, most certainly amplified by some megaphone.</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Calling all unit 1 freshmen! Girls, if your last name goes from A-D, it is now time for you to move in! Boys, if your last name goes from S-V, it is your turn!”</em></p><p> </p><p>“That’s us!” Alex exclaims, excitedly moving towards the entrance of his new dorm, to which Jessica follows suit. He looks back, smiling again at Charlie. “Come on, Charlie,” he says, reaching out a hand, to which Charlie gladly accepts.</p><p> </p><p>They’re both one hand short when it comes to holding luggage, but Alex only has 3 pieces anyways, one of which he could comfortably fit on top of the other, so they manage. They make it into a rather lengthy line, Jessica having gone to the opposite side of the building to go to the girl's side of the dorm. Surprisingly, the line up goes a little faster than he was expecting, and it’s only a few minutes until he’s at the front of the line.</p><p> </p><p>Alex brandishes his Cal 1 card, signifying his status as a new freshman on campus. Security does stop Charlie, to which he awkwardly points at Alex and says, “he’s my boyfriend,” and awkwardly grins back. Security raises an eyebrow at that, but let him in, nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>They’re two boys in a liberal area of California, and so Alex doesn’t expect them to get harassed for well, <em>holding hands</em>. Nonetheless, it makes him a little uncomfortable to observe the rather disapproving gaze security shoots at them as they enter the residential complex.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh- do you think they hate us?” Charlie wrinkles his nose, shooting a distasteful look back at security as they enter into the packed corridor where the elevators are situated.</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie- it’s fine, just ignore them. Most people are moving in with their parents helping them- they probably just weren’t expecting a teenager,” Alex says, sighing intently. “Let’s just go, I wanna grab lunch after this,” he says, stomach growling. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh…” Charlie gently rubs his arm. “You didn’t have breakfast, did you?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, because I stayed up too late.”</p><p> </p><p>“Stayed up late with whom?”</p><p> </p><p>“With <em>you</em>, and your <em>very</em> big dick,” and with that, he shoves Charlie in the arm, a blush creeping across his pale face. He looks over at Charlie, ruefully thinking to himself that he wouldn’t be getting <em>that </em>for some time. Alex knows that Charlie must be thinking the same, as he sees his boyfriend is equally embarrassed (but not really) at the mention of that.</p><p> </p><p>They quietly make their way up to the third floor, the quiet bustling of new college kids in the background receding from earshot until they’ve finally made it to Alex’s new dorm room. It’s a little chilly – the AC is set really high, to which Charlie takes advantage of by quickly taking out a jacket from one of Alex’s luggage pieces.</p><p> </p><p>They’re alone – for now. It appears his roommate isn’t here yet. They’re not dumb enough to chance actually doing anything <em>extreme</em>. But they do settle for a passionate kiss, Alex taking the chance to hop into Charlie’s arms, chuckling into the kiss when Charlie’s caught off guard by the sudden extra weight. Alex isn’t too heavy, though, and it reminds him a little of just last night with Alex in his arms, naked, where they made love for the first time. </p><p> </p><p>After a few teasing kisses and touches, they finally let go and get to work in setting up Alex’s half of the room. They work efficiently, and it's only a little over an hour for Alex’s side to be set up. Alex lets out a sigh before lying down on the bed with Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>They stay like that for several minutes, hand in hand, frame against frame, basking in the warmth that radiates from one another. It feels good, it feels right. Lying down like this, next to each other. After spending so much time together during the summer, it’s only natural to feel sad at the new distance. It’s not like <em>long, </em>long-distance, at the very least – they both know that. </p><p> </p><p>But at least, they have another small moment together. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>Time is flying.</p><p> </p><p>“Did your roommate not show up?” Charlie asks, raising an eyebrow in confusion at the still-closed door. He glances over at his watch, frowning when he hears Alex’s stomach growl again, realizing that it’s almost 1 PM. “Oh shit, I forgot- you must be hungry,” he says, before getting up from the bed.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine,” Alex says reassuringly. “Well, he texted me that he’d be here around 30 minutes ago,” Alex confirms, absent-mindedly checking his phone. </p><p> </p><p>And speak of the devil – as he says that, the boys both hear a click and the creaking of the dorm room door. Alex and Charlie both turn their gaze over and in comes Alex’s new roommate.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, it looks like I’m late to the party,” the boy walks in, casually setting aside his luggage, flashing a grin at Alex.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice to meet you, Jacob,” Alex says back, a little softly. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob gives off an aura of wealth- that’s the first thing that Alex thinks of, and it isn’t the same way that Charlie does. He’s preppy, clean-shaven, and remarkably handsome. He’s not Charlie- that’s for sure, but Jacob was definitively good looking. He’s well-built, neatly styled brown hair and exceptionally pretty blue eyes. It almost makes Alex blush involuntarily.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex Standall, right?” His roommate smiles at him, and then shoots a glance at Charlie, raising an eyebrow in suspicion. “He your brother?”</p><p> </p><p>To which Alex and Charlie share an awkward glance and laugh. “Uh… he-he’s actually my boyfriend,” Alex replies, gently reaching a hand over, resting on top of Charlie's own. “I thought I told you.”</p><p> </p><p>“You told me you were dating <em>someone</em>,” Jacob says back to him, taking his shoes off and sliding them on the bottom rack of his closet. “But pay me no mind, what’s his name?”</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie,” Charlie answers, nodding warmly, before reaching out a hand. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob does shake it, and Alex can’t help but feel slightly uncomfortable when Jacob’s glance stays on Charlie for a little too long- but it’s not jealousy – it’s Jacob’s demeanor. He’s looking at Charlie, like he’s <em>analyzing </em>him, or reading him. Not something you’d expect from a first-time meeting situation on their dorm move-in day. </p><p> </p><p>“St. George?” He asks, staring back at the quarterback. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks surprised by that – how could he not be? </p><p> </p><p>“H-how?” He stammers, awkwardly looking over at Alex, who simply shrugs and mouths an “<em>I didn’t tell him anything,</em>”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob doesn’t immediately answer – he sets his phone down by the bedside, rearranging his luggage against the wall so that nothing is obstructing the path to the door. Afterward, he takes a seat on his bed, hunched over with his fingers crossed. </p><p> </p><p>“Thought you looked familiar on second glance. Your dad’s the president of the Liberty Booster Club,” Alex’s roommate finally answers for him, nodding in earnest. “I’m from Crestmont too. Though… I didn’t go to Liberty High.”</p><p> </p><p>He pauses, and Alex can swear he saw Jacob turn his gaze over to <em>him.</em> “Still, I know who you are.”</p><p> </p><p>For a split second, Alex feels a flash of shock, followed immediately by a pang of discomfort. Instinctively, he reaches out a hand to Charlie, who sits back down with him on the bed. It’s clear Charlie was made just as uncomfortable by this.</p><p> </p><p>“Relax. I went to Hillcrest,” his roommate says, smiling slightly. “Heard a lot about them Liberty kids, you know. Especially when... Jessica? Was that her name - ruined our football game."</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s eyes meet his boyfriend’s again, only to be met with the same look of confusion and mounting discomfort. He swallows, finding himself grinding his teeth.</p><p> </p><p><em>Hillcrest </em>.</p><p> </p><p>That was Bryce’s school – after he had been expelled from Liberty High. That's also the football game where HO staged their protest.</p><p> </p><p>The night Bryce Walker was killed. </p><p> </p><p>Alex sucks in a breath – it’s entirely involuntary, but he feels something he’s been wrangling with for quite some time.</p><p> </p><p><em>Fear </em>.</p><p> </p><p>Grimacing, he exhales sharply, trying his best to appear natural. </p><p> </p><p>It’s disconcerting – like a memory he doesn’t want to relive. His gaze meets Jacob’s for a second, and in an instant, he’s taken back. The world feels timeless as if the passing seconds could be hours, and reality briefly slows to a standstill. Alex closes his eyes, and in an instant, he sees everything.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>November 2nd, 2018</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>It was cold. In fact, it was freezing. It’s the middle of November, almost midnight, and they’re by the piers. Alone. There’s no one nearby, not a single soul within earshot – and that’s something Alex hadn’t realized would eventually be what saves him. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It’s quiet- so quiet, that it’s only the lapping waves of water that fill his ears. But at the same time, it really isn’t quiet at all.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He’s got Bryce on his shoulder, screaming in pain at every movement, every step Alex tried to take to help him into a better position. He looked over at Jessica, ruefully acknowledging the pain in her face. She wanted nothing to do with Bryce. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And rightfully so. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Fucking Zach!” Bryce roars, grimacing in pain, causing Alex to lose balance. “I’m gonna fuck up his other knee and wreck his fucking life!” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>To which Alex steely says back, “You’re not going to do anything to Zach.”</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Now </span>
</p><p>“Alex?” Jacob says. “You okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex is breathing hard – not hard enough that Jacob can hear him, but definitely hard enough that Charlie can hear every breath that leaves his lips. Charlie looks over worriedly, instinctively squeezing Alex’s increasingly sweaty hand. He bites his lip, suddenly unsure of what to do, of how to handle this.</p><p> </p><p>He wasn’t expecting all <em>this</em>. He wasn’t expecting Alex’s new roommate to be from Hillcrest, and he certainly wasn’t expecting Jacob to know who both of them were, so nonchalant and casually, like nothing had happened, like everything was okay.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not logical – he knows that. Like what are the chances? But hell – what were the fucking chances <em>anything </em>at Liberty should have happened?</p><p> </p><p>Charlie steels himself, keeping his calm. </p><p> </p><p> “Alex?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie waits for Alex to answer – after all, the question is directed at <em>him</em>. Charlie’s thoughts, however, can’t help but race through his mind. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh…” Alex stammers, struggling to find his voice. “I…”</p><p> </p><p>Alex is struggling to speak, to find the right words. How could he, after all? He glances over at Jacob, who looks perplexed – like he’s not reading the situation at all, then over at Charlie, who looks increasingly worried for Alex’s well-being.</p><p> </p><p>Then, without thinking, he speaks.</p><p> </p><p>“A…Alex had… a TBI some time back,” Charlie chokes out, almost too quickly. He almost immediately regrets saying that, and it doesn’t help that Alex squeezes his hand tightly at that – too tightly like there’s something definitely <em>wrong</em> about what Charlie just said.</p><p> </p><p>“TBI?” Jacob asks, raising an eyebrow in confusion.</p><p> </p><p>“Traumatic brain injury,” Charlie answered, avoiding Alex’s steely gaze. “It… it flares up sometimes… and I think…” He trails off, glancing over in Alex’s direction. “Uh… could you… could you give us a few minutes?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks upset. </p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t take a genius to read <em>this </em>situation, thankfully. Jacob must be picking up on the tension, because he quickly gets up and throws out an “I’ll be right back, got something to grab from the car – text me when things are okay, Alex.” It doesn’t sound genuine – at least in the sense that he didn’t really have something to pick up.</p><p> </p><p>But Charlie is grateful when Jacob leaves the room, and they’re left alone again.</p><p> </p><p>He looks over apologetically at his boyfriend, who looks all too displeased with what had just happened. But annoyed at <em>who</em>, or <em>what</em>, Charlie couldn’t tell. </p><p> </p><p>Alex gets up from the bed, almost too hastily, facing the door where Jake just left. He’s still breathing hard, visibly shaken and upset.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex, I…” he begins, biting his tongue when he realizes he doesn’t quite know what to say next. He said what he said because he thought it was the quickest way, the <em>easiest </em>way to diffuse the whole situation.</p><p> </p><p>“Why did you have to tell him that? Alex groans. “I don’t need the whole world to know I fucking shot myself in the head.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie is taken aback for a moment – a little dismayed at Alex’s cold response. He thinks of replying that no, Jacob doesn’t know that, and no, Jacob might think that Alex got his TBI from something else, but he realizes there’s no good in saying that right now.</p><p> </p><p>So he just settles for a hoarse apology.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey… hey, I’m sorry, Alex,” he says, wide-eyed in regret. “I just… you weren’t saying anything, and I didn’t know… I didn’t want him to…”</p><p> </p><p>Alex just shakes his head again, his voice coming out harsher than he intends it to be.</p><p> </p><p>“Never mind that, I didn’t know my new roommate went to fucking Hillcrest,” Alex grimaces. “And he knows you too? Like what the fuck else does he know then?”</p><p> </p><p>He’s breathing hard again, and Charlie can only disdainfully acknowledge the shock that Alex must be feeling. </p><p> </p><p>“Alex, I don’t think he knows-“ </p><p> </p><p>“We don’t know that.”</p><p> </p><p>“Just because he went to Hillcrest doesn’t mean he knew Bryce.”</p><p> </p><p>“But…”</p><p> </p><p>“Alex, come on. Be reasonable.”</p><p> </p><p>“How can I be? You’re not the one who fucking killed someone!”</p><p> </p><p>“Alex, please!” </p><p> </p><p>To which Alex lets out a weighty breath, closing his eyes. He knows Charlie is right. He’s probably overreacting, overthinking it. It’s silly, he acknowledges that. It’s a chapter of his life he really wants to forget, and he’s sabotaging himself by thinking of some crazy, unrealistic scenarios that only serve to torture him. </p><p> </p><p>It rankles to think about this, to run through countless scenarios in his mind when damn, he's really just supposed to enjoy his first day at Berkeley, meet new friends, and get used to everything new here. Instead, he's beating himself up over some hypothetical situation that might not even be true. It's almost ridiculous. He knows that.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess you’re right,” Alex mutters, sighing. “I’m sorry Charlie… I...I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s okay,” Charlie replies. Slowly, he gets up from the bed, slow steps towards his boyfriend, gently reaching out to hold his hand. “You’re strong.”</p><p> </p><p> It’s a simple action, but it does make him feel a little better. Alex relents, turning around. He takes Charlie in his arms again, and a wave of calmness washes over him again, even if only slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure you’re right… It must be nothing…”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t truly believe what he’s saying – not that it’s a lie; there’s nothing purposeful about it, nothing about what he said that was meant to deceive Charlie. It’s not ungenuine, but he can’t tell himself that he truly trusts his own mind anymore.</p><p> </p><p>But at least it’s not <em>dishonest</em>.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a dull, burning ache in his core, and it’s something he can’t quite put his finger on – somewhere, in the back of his mind, he feels like he’s seen Jacob before. He just can’t quite place it, can’t quite figure it out. It’s almost unnerving to think about. </p><p> </p><p>“Do you wanna just… grab lunch, and I’ll send you off?” Charlie interjects. There’s a layered urgency in his voice – like he wants to get away from this subject, this <em>situation</em>. </p><p> </p><p>Alex understands, of course – and frankly, he wishes the same. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, that sounds good.” </p><p> </p><p>Because <em>really</em>, it does sound good. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Chapter 4 Teaser:</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>“<em>I thought you said you weren’t much of a party person,” Jessica says, entering the lobby of her dorm floor in a rather revealing cocktail dress. “You’ve said that since we were high school freshmen.”</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, well it’s part of the college life,” Alex murmurs back, eyeing Jessica. “You look great in that dress.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Jess smiles warmly at that. “Thanks – are you not dressing up?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Who exactly am I dressing up for Jess,” he shoots back, slightly irritated. “I have a boyfriend. And what about you? Are you really trying to meet new guys already? After Justin?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Immediately, he regrets saying that. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Alex," Jess lets out an exasperated sigh. "Alex, what the fuck?  No, I'm not trying to meet new guys. I'm allowed to dress up, aren't I?" She shoots him a disapproving glare. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"Sorry," he mutters back shaking his head. "Wasn't right of me to say that."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Whatever,” Jess wrinkles her nose. “Right. How is Charlie?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex sighs – not because he’s upset with Charlie. Rather – it’s quite the opposite. He misses Charlie, and he misses him already. It’s only been two weeks. They’ve called or face-timed almost every day – Charlie even encouraging him to go to the party, to enjoy university life.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex admits that it was a little confounding. It wasn’t often your boyfriend or girlfriend eagerly tells you to go enjoy yourself at a party – especially a college party. Jealousy is, after all, a deadly venom. But he's happy - he's happy that Charlie trusts him because he trusts Charlie too. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“He’s good…” Alex smiles. “I’ll be seeing him again soon – you know.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Jess nods. “The football game is soon, isn’t it?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Two weeks from now, actually. Or was it three.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I won’t be going.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex pauses for a moment, ready to ask Jess why, and then he realizes immediately. Of course, she isn’t ready to see a football game, at Liberty High no less. The first thing that comes to his mind is Justin and his legacy on the field. They had never been the best of friends, of course, how could they, having both dated Jessica.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But he understands. And so he just nods sympathetically at her.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Who’s your roommate, by the way?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And immediately, as selfish as it is, Alex wishes they could’ve stayed on the topic of Charlie. Or even football and Justin. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Once again, please do review if it doesn't bother you too much, I do thrive on them.</p><p>Thank you again everyone!</p><p>EDIT: Just a note on Jacob - he's an original character. I'm going to be careful not to write him the way the producers wrote Ani in Season 3 - he's vital to create some discord, but he's not the star of the story at all.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. College 101</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex's day by the hour for tonight's party.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's Chapter 4 guys.</p><p>Expect to see more Charlie x Alex in the next few chapters (maybe not the very next one) but soon after.</p><p>Football Game is coming up, after the party!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“When you make the obvious mysterious, then the mysterious becomes unavailable.”</em>
</p><p>- <strong>Walter Darby Bannard</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"> <strong>September 6th, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p>It’s been a few weeks since Alex has settled into UC Berkeley. Time is flying, and the familiar heat of California’s summers is slowly being replaced with a cooler reminder of Autumn to come. Alex likes it, really, he’s never actually been a shorts and t-shirt guy anyways – at least the coolness of approaching Fall will give him an excuse to return to his jeans, polo shirts, and sweaters. Or whatever it is he wants to wear, really.</p><p> </p><p>School’s been going alright – Alex doesn’t declare his major in his first year, so there’s plenty of time for him to settle into post-secondary life and examine all his choices. It’s nice, he thinks to himself, to have something to do, especially now that he’s away from home and Charlie. It’s a little fast-paced, and Alex finds himself doubting himself, and whether or not he’s really capable, but he pulls through.</p><p> </p><p>After all, Charlie’s always calling, or texting, or facetiming him to ensure that he’s okay. It’s something that Alex appreciates. It helps him keep his mind off things a little.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe it’s not really a cause for concern. Maybe Alex is overthinking it like he always does, like he always did, time and time again. </p><p> </p><p>With everything.</p><p> </p><p>Or maybe not?</p><p>Time will tell.</p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">7 AM</span>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex wakes up begrudgingly to a soft, yet irritating buzz of his phone. Groggily, he rubs his eyes, absent-mindedly trying to unlock his phone make the ringing stop. He doesn’t think twice about it – it must just be his alarm that he set, and so he reaches to try to set it to snooze but ends up declining the call instead.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shit,” he mutters, blinking rapidly when he realizes what he’s done.</p><p> </p><p>It’s Charlie who was calling.</p><p> </p><p>Alex twists his mouth at that, mouthing a “sorry” to himself, before trying to tap the contact name again to call Charlie. </p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t get that far because Charlie’s already calling him back.</p><p> </p><p>“Babe did you really hang up on me like that,” Charlie says, feigning disappointment. “And I even made time to call.”</p><p> </p><p>“S-sorry,” Alex chuckles. He sits up a little, yawning loudly into the phone. “Besides, isn’t it like, scientifically proven that it’s too early for human beings to call anyways?</p><p> </p><p>“Not when you play football,” he hears Charlie giggle at the end of the line. “Besides, isn’t it like, just a minute before your alarm normally goes off anyways?”</p><p> </p><p>And to Alex’s (sort of) surprise, his alarm does go off, putting his call on hold. It’s actually even louder than his ringtone, and it’s so loud that he’s worried it’ll wake up his roommate. He only realizes then that Jacob’s already awake – and gone - if the empty bed says anything.</p><p> </p><p>He taps the dismiss button – and like golden chimes, Charlie’s voice comes back.</p><p> </p><p>“How did you know?” Alex asks, furrowing his brows. “Are you like, stalking me?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie scoffs at that. “Alex, really? You sent me your class schedule like, last week.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, right, I did.”</p><p> </p><p>“Silly.”</p><p> </p><p>“Coming from you.”</p><p> </p><p>“Ah, you got me,” Charlie slurs back at him.</p><p> </p><p>They both share a light-hearted laugh. It’s moments like these Alex enjoys. Every day, even if it’s just a few minutes or even a few texts, it’s something. It reminds him that his life here isn’t complete – that someone is waiting for him back home. </p><p> </p><p>“So, how’s football?” Alex asks. “I hope your new team is treating you well. Your first game is in two weeks, isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Three, actually,” Charlie responds. “And uh… well,” he lets out a nervous laugh.</p><p> </p><p>Alex pauses at that – biting his tongue. Not the response he’s expecting. </p><p> </p><p>“Charlie?” </p><p> </p><p>“It’s… it’s nothing,” Charlie says, coughing into the phone. “Just some communication issues. We’ll work on it. You’re… you’re coming to see the big game, right?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex isn’t quite sure he believes that – but what is there to really doubt? Besides, Charlie was so popular with last year’s football team. Perhaps it’s nothing after all. Nothing he doesn’t believe Charlie can work on, at least. Nothing Charlie couldn’t ever do, ever fix, all on his own. </p><p> </p><p>It’s a split second thing – for a moment, he has to remind himself that Charlie isn’t always one to open up about things, even to Alex. So, he doesn’t press it.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Alex shuffles, glancing over at the time. Absent-mindedly, he gets up from the bed, squishing his head against his shoulder to allow himself to continue talking amidst multitasking. “I’m still learning – or at least, I’m trying to learn. I don’t really know much about football.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh babe, it’s fine, you don’t need to know how the game works,” Charlie says back. “Are you busy right now?” He asks – he must be hearing the shuffling and noise in the background.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh,” Alex begins, grabbing his clothes from his side of the drawers. “Sort of, yeah, they told me to come early for my lab. Apparently, if you’re late, you don’t even get to do it.”</p><p> </p><p>“Jeez, that’s awful,” Charlie says back. “Okay, I’ll call you back later, then?”</p><p> </p><p>“Please do,” Alex says, almost dropping his phone. “Tell me how school goes today too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, by the way, are you going to that party tonight you were talking about?” Charlie’s voice trails off, as Alex was preparing to set his phone aside. </p><p> </p><p>But that question makes him pause a moment. He’s thought about it a few times the past week. Jacob’s the one who invited him, and if he’s honest with himself, he’s not sure, really. They haven’t spoken much, Alex is grateful that their schedules don’t align, and that Jacob seems to be a night owl. He doesn’t bother asking, of course, and he’s grateful that Jacob doesn’t ask him much back either.</p><p> </p><p>It’s always just the greetings and farewells whenever they do see each other – and when Jacob’s doing his work, he puts on those giant headphones, so Alex doesn’t even have to talk to him. </p><p> </p><p>Alex takes a moment to think back to their move-in day. He and Charlie didn’t speak much about it after – of course, why would they want to? He didn’t even tell Charlie that Jacob was the one who invited him – he doesn’t think it would do any good anyway.</p><p> </p><p>Besides, he’s not even sure if he really wants to go.</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe.” </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">2 PM</span>
</p><p>The day passes by almost too quickly, college classes and all. Before Alex knows it, he’s sitting in the Golden Bear with a bagel. He’s not that hungry, actually, but some food is certainly quite welcome around this hour. The place is a little too packed for his liking, but there’s not much he can do – it’s almost to be expected, really.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks around, frowning a little when he sees that it seems that many of the freshmen have already gotten around to making new friends. Or at least, he <em>assumes</em> that they’re freshmen. Nonetheless, it makes him a little sad, a bit unhappy at that – he hasn’t really been meeting many new people. </p><p> </p><p>Sure, he has Jess, but their schedules don’t align nicely. They do talk – regularly, even, but knowing Jess, she’s probably already super invested in the vast array of clubs that Berkeley has to offer. Knowing her, she’s probably using her voice to foster change within the student body. All this already, and she’s barely settled into school.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex? Only time will tell. </p><p> </p><p>He sighs, taking another bite out of the bagel, before pulling out his phone. It makes his chest tighten a little when he rests his eyes on the wallpaper of his phone and sees Charlie smiling sweetly back at him. How he wishes Charlie was here right now, next to him.</p><p> </p><p>Carefully, he taps his phone, unlocking the screen to see a new text from Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Grinning a little, he hits the little chatbox.</p><p> </p><p><em>(18 minutes ago) Charlie ♥: Hey </em> <em>😊</em> <em>, just checking in on you. Make sure you’re eating, okay? Last time you told me you weren’t eating after your classes</em></p><p> </p><p>To which Alex smiles warmly. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Just now) Alex Standall: Yeah, I’m trying to. Hope Liberty’s okay on your end too. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex exhales, setting his phone aside again. He peers at the time again – it’s just barely past 2 PM. He thinks of returning to his dorm to do some work, maybe facetime Charlie later, something to excuse himself from going to the party tonight. Something, something along those lines.</p><p> </p><p>But if he’s learned anything about Jacob’s schedule, his roommate is probably back in their dorm right now. He’s napping – if Alex is going to be thinking realistically about it, but he doesn’t want to deal with it right now. It’s not like they’ve spoken much lately – but he doesn’t want to bother having to deal with telling Jacob no, he doesn’t feel like going to the party.</p><p> </p><p>So, he settles for doing work in the café. </p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t seem that luck is on his side. Because it’s only a few minutes later that he hears a “hey” from a familiar voice. Spinning around, Alex finds his eyes on Jacob. </p><p> </p><p>Alex winces at that.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh… uh, hey Jacob,” Alex mutters, pushing his laptop screen down. </p><p> </p><p>“What’s up?” The boy asks, flashing a grin, nonchalantly sitting down across from Alex, Starbucks in hand. “Doing work?”</p><p> </p><p>“Y…yeah,” Alex hunches over his laptop, forcing a slight smile. “Just… you know, trying to get ahead of the curve and all.”</p><p> </p><p>“Keener,” Jacob chuckles, causing Alex to twist his mouth at that. Jacob leans back a little, looking almost too relaxed, before reaching into his satchel. For a moment, Alex is concerned at the prospect of what’s going to happen – it’s silly really, there’s pretty much no reason for him to be. "Nothing like us football dudes."</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Football?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t know whether to be relieved or flustered when Jacob pulls out a Juul. He glares at Jacob disapprovingly, mouth agape in surprise at what he’s seeing. </p><p> </p><p>“What?” Jacob remarks face pulled in confusion. “Haven’t smoked before?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex scoffs at that. “Dude, you can’t do that here. It’s literally indoors,” he says disapprovingly, scanning around him for any disapproving glares. Of course – everyone minds their own business. It makes him wonder for a moment what rules and laws are even for if no one bothers to enforce them. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob pulls a face, then shrugs half-heartedly, making some inaudible vocalization, a scoff, a chuckle, something of that nature. “Well, I won’t say anything if you don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, yeah, okay.”</p><p> </p><p>They sit like there in awkward silence, Alex trying to hide his face behind the laptop screen again, secretly wishing Jacob would leave. Occasionally, he steals a glance over his screen to find Jacob, texting away on his phone. He tries to decipher the emotions that come and go on his roommate’s face, but find little to discern, to pick up.</p><p> </p><p> Jacob’s damn good at poker faces. Or perhaps, that’s just the way he is, Alex thinks to himself. It’s almost eery – looking this emotionless, this <em>self-control</em>. </p><p> </p><p>There are a million things on his mind right now, from Charlie to the party tonight, to school, to the fact that two weeks in, he still doesn’t really know who Jacob really is. They’ve hardly interacted, partly due to their conflicting schedules, but also really due to Alex’s avoidance. They didn’t exactly make great first impressions, after all, on move in day.</p><p> </p><p>Actually, besides the first day when they moved in, Alex doesn’t think they’ve had any real conversations – nothing beyond the simple greetings and casual questions. Alex was surprised when Jacob invited him to tonight’s party a few days ago. </p><p> </p><p>It’s as strange then as it is now.</p><p> </p><p>“So, are you always just this quiet?” Jacob suddenly asks, putting his phone down. “Sure didn’t seem like it when your boyfriend was here.” </p><p> </p><p>Alex pauses, glancing over again at the rather snide comment. Jacob’s demeanor is irritating, to say the least, at least when he’s like this. “Well, he isn’t here right now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Touché,” Jacob chides, clearing his throat nonchalantly. Alex doesn’t know what to make of it when Jacob just grins at him. </p><p> </p><p>Alex is about to say something back when his phone buzzes again. He doesn’t take his eyes off Jacob, who just raises an eyebrow at his vibrating phone. Alex doesn’t know if he should feel relieved or anxious when he sees what Charlie texted him.</p><p> </p><p><em>(Just now) Charlie ♥: Thanks </em> <em>😊</em> <em>. Tell me how tonight’s party goes, okay? College is all about making friends y’ know. </em></p><p> </p><p>Alex frowns a little. Because <em>frankly</em>, he was kind of hoping for Charlie to tell him no, don’t go to the party tonight, to just stay in his dorm, facetime him, and everything like that. Of course, he could always just lie, say he went to the party, something like that. Lying is a trope he simply knows all too well at this point. Charlie telling him to not go would merely grant him greater impetus to do so.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh, tucking his phone away.</p><p> </p><p>“Your boyfriend?” Jacob asks.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… yeah,” Alex mutters. “Just checking in. Nothing special,” he lies. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m sure he cares a lot about you.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s a simple comment – really, it’s probably not even poorly intentioned. There’s nothing about the way Jacob says it that’s ungenuine, that’s rude or anything of that sort that should make Alex upset or suspicious. Not like logic ever stopped him, though. </p><p> </p><p>“You seem very perceptive,” Alex mutters under his breath. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay, aggressive much,” Jacob raises his hands in the air in peace. “Seriously, dude, chill out. We’re roommates.”</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever.”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob is looking over at him now, almost staring intently, one eyebrow raised. It’s eerily similar to how he stared down Charlie just two weeks ago when they were moving in. Like Jacob’s seeing right through him, and everything. It makes Alex uncomfortable now as it did then. He's avoided thinking about it, avoided asking himself all those questions he's wanted to be answered since day one. Alex remembers Charlie's words, loud and clear - to forget it all, to just be happy, and live college life. </p><p> </p><p>Alex wishes it were always so simple. </p><p> </p><p>Alex opens his mouth, ready to say something – but Jacob beats him to it yet again.</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously, you gotta relax. You’re coming tonight,” Jacob’s on his phone again. “<em>Aren’t you?”</em></p><p> </p><p><em>The party</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs. He doesn’t hate parties – really, he doesn’t. He’s been to half a dozen, many of them out of peer pressure, but still, he’s no stranger to them. After all, he did get to bond with Charlie at one. It’s surreal to look back, to imagine that moment, again and again. </p><p> </p><p>He pauses for a moment to imagine what it’s going to be like. He’s had his fair share of high school parties, but if there’s something he’s found out over the years, it’s that laws and drinking age do not apply to them. At all. He hasn’t recalled the last time he’s gone to a party that wasn’t serving copious amounts of alcohol.</p><p> </p><p>He can only imagine it’s just as bad in college. </p><p> </p><p>Maybe Charlie’s right, though. It’s an excellent opportunity to make friends. Alex has been feeling lonely since moving into Berkeley, after all. It’s nice, of course, to be able to see Jess, to facetime Charlie, stay in touch with all his high school friends even as they’re starting their post-secondary lives away from Crestmont, apart from where it all started.</p><p> </p><p>Maybe, just maybe, Alex isn’t totally against the idea. </p><p> </p><p>“I’ll see,” Alex finally says, ruefully smiling at that.</p><p> </p><p>Clearly, Jacob takes that as a big yes.</p><p> </p><p>“Attaboy!” Jacob chuckles, lightly punching Alex on the shoulder like some football player ritual. It’s playful, it’s really nothing, but Alex would be lying to himself if he said it didn’t feel good. “I’ll see you around then,” Jacob adds, saluting as he prepares to leave. </p><p> </p><p>Alex nods back at him, exhaling a little when Jacob’s finally gone.  When he picks up his phone again, it’s not Charlie he calls first. </p><p> </p><p>He hits the little phone symbol beside the contact name.</p><p> </p><p>Moments pass, then the voice comes in loud and clear.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Alex, what’s up?”</p><p> </p><p>“Jess? Yeah, so about that party tonight…” </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">9 PM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>What’s it like, knowing you’re about to enter a world you know is forbidden? What’s it like for you, dreaming, hoping, calling out for someone to tell you no?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>To tell you to turn around, and don’t look back? To stay on the path of righteousness, and to not falter?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And when your dreams and calls turn to prayers, to cries, who will lift you up?</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s 9 on the dot when Alex hears the opening of a door on the opposite side of the building again. He admits, it feels a little awkward, uncomfortable even, to be the only guy so far, from what he’s seen. A few girls have already passed by, some giggling at him, a few others shooting him disapproving glares. For better or worse, he doesn’t know. It’s the girl’s floor, after all – they probably assumed he’s out looking for someone</p><p> </p><p>So, needless to say, he’s glad when he sees that it’s Jess who walks out of the room. </p><p> </p><p><em>Jess</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It seems like a lifetime ago when they last dated, and an even longer lifetime ago the first time they did. Hannah was still alive back then, and so much of the shit that had come to define Liberty High hadn’t happened yet. It’s difficult, even now, to not blame himself for what happened to Hannah. Months in the hospital, followed by months in physical therapy, wouldn’t wipe that shame away.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t come easy, Alex knows that.</p><p> </p><p>And for that reason, through thick and thin, he’s glad he has Jess here, at Berkeley, with him. He’s pleased that despite everything, they can still call each other friends – best friends, even. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey,” Alex says, waving over at Jess to make sure he’s got her attention.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Alex,” says Jess back, absentmindedly locking the door behind her. “Been waiting a while?”</p><p> </p><p>“No, not too long,” he lies, forcing a smile – it’s a white lie, really, so there’s no guilt, no shame attached to it. They did agree for around 8:45, so 9 isn’t really that much of a stretch. “Here goes nothing.”</p><p> </p><p>“I thought you said you weren’t much of a party person,” Jessica says, entering the lobby of her dorm floor in a rather revealing cocktail dress. “You’ve said that since we were high school freshmen.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, it’s part of the college life,” Alex murmurs back, eyeing Jessica. “You look great in that dress.”</p><p> </p><p>Jess smiles warmly at that. “Thanks – are you not dressing up?”</p><p> </p><p>“Who exactly am I dressing up for Jess,” he shoots back, “I have a boyfriend. And what about you? Are you really trying to meet new guys already? After Justin?" </p><p> </p><p>Immediately, he regrets saying that. </p><p> </p><p>"Alex-" Jess lets out an exasperated sigh. "Alex, what the fuck? No, I'm not trying to meet new guys. I'm allowed to dress up, aren't I?" She shoots him a disapproving glare. </p><p> </p><p>"Sorry," he mutters back, shaking his head. "Wasn't right of me to say that."</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever,” Jess mutters, wrinkling her nose. “Right. How is Charlie?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs – not because he’s upset with Charlie. Rather – it’s quite the opposite. He misses Charlie, and he misses him already. It’s only been two weeks. They’ve called or face-timed almost every day – Charlie even encouraging him to go to the party, to enjoy university life.</p><p> </p><p>Alex admits that it was a little confounding. It wasn’t often your boyfriend or girlfriend eagerly tells you to go enjoy yourself at a party – especially a college party. Jealousy is, after all, a deadly venom. But he's happy - he's happy that Charlie trusts him because he trusts Charlie too.  </p><p> </p><p>“He’s good…” Alex smiles. “I’ll be seeing him again soon – you know.”</p><p> </p><p>Jess nods. “The football game is soon, isn’t it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Two weeks from now, actually. Or was it three.”</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t be going.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex pauses for a moment, ready to ask Jess why, and then he realizes immediately. Of course, she isn’t prepared to see a football game, at Liberty High no less. The first thing that comes to his mind is Justin and his legacy on the field. They had never been the best of friends, of course, how could they, having both dated Jessica.</p><p> </p><p>But he understands. And so, he just nods sympathetically at her.</p><p> </p><p>“Who’s your roommate, by the way?”</p><p> </p><p>And immediately, as selfish as it is, Alex wishes they could’ve stayed on the topic of Charlie. Or even football and Justin.</p><p> </p><p>He realizes quickly that he and Jess have never spoken about that. It isn’t some taboo subject; actually, it’s probably the <em>opposite </em>of that. It’s a casual question, something to fill the space of any conversation when you need a filler, an excuse to talk, to stifle the silence. It’s so casual, in fact, that Alex almost feels stupid for not bringing it up. </p><p> </p><p>Actually, scratch that – he hasn’t even asked Jess about <em>her </em>roommate either.</p><p> </p><p>It’s surreal, almost. Of all the fucked-up things he and Jess have experienced, have seen, have <em>done</em>, that they miss out on the most mundane, most <em>normal</em> of things friends, high school kids barely turned college kids, as young adults. It’s rankling to think about, and even worse to actually live through it. In so many ways, the two of them have been deprived of a normal teenage life. It’s been fraught with drama, suffering, and trauma. </p><p> </p><p>“Uh,” Alex finally speaks. “His name’s Jacob.”</p><p> </p><p>Jess doesn’t look too satisfied with that answer – what could anyone do with such little information?</p><p> </p><p>“Okay… and?” </p><p> </p><p>“Nothing. He’s nice,” Alex lies. “He asked me to come tonight. I don’t really know anyone else…”</p><p> </p><p>At least Jess seems to buy it. She seems more concerned by his admission of not knowing many people so far – whether or not Alex is grateful for that, or whether he thinks he should talk more about Jacob, he doesn’t know. It’s all a blur, frazzled emotions.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shit, I’m sorry, Alex,” Jess says, sympathetically reaching out to hug him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know- you know, you can always talk to me.” Jess wears a look of pity on her face, and it’s just enough that Alex feels sorry for her. </p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Jess,” he says back. </p><p> </p><p>Somewhere, at the back of his mind, Alex is thinking to himself. Jacob’s there, of course, and he’s not sure whether or not he wants to bring this up, right here, right now. Alex doesn’t have the heart to tell Jess what little he really knows – that Jacob went to Hillcrest, that he seems to know Alex and Charlie already – and more importantly, that he knows <em>Jessica’s</em> name from the protest she led that fateful night, at the football game.</p><p> </p><p>The night Bryce Walker was killed. </p><p> </p><p>Alex shudders a little, feeling his throat tighten at the prospect. Part of him thinks that yes, Jess deserves to know, that Jess, his best friend, someone he’s always felt he can confide in, damn well deserves to know. But he doesn’t have the heart to tell her.</p><p> </p><p>After everything she’s had to go through, after every trauma she overcame, the last thing Jess needs reminding of is Bryce, and anything and everything associated with him. It’s not possible, of course – Alex knows that. There is nothing, no power in this world that will wipe the guilt away, that will wash the blood from their hands.</p><p> </p><p>But to Alex, Jess deserves better than this.</p><p> </p><p>And so, he simply smiles at her, nodding in approval. </p><p> </p><p>“Ready to leave?” Jess asks, checking her phone again for the time. “It’s almost 9:30 – party starts in 30.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex nods, silently following Jess into the elevators.</p><p> </p><p>He pulls out his phone and taps Charlie’s contact name. It makes his chest tighten again when he sees Charlie’s portrait once more, smiling sweetly at him from his phone. There’s a burning ache, a small part of him that wishes, that would <em>plead </em>for Charlie to be here right now. To hold his hand, to guide him, to be his guardian angel.</p><p> </p><p>Like that time during the drill.</p><p> </p><p>Like many times, that Alex simply hasn’t realized yet.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Just now) Alex Standall: I’ll be missing for a few hours. Let’s facetime tomorrow, okay? I hope your day went well </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Just now) Alex Standall: I love you ♥</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Chapter 5 Teaser</span>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Another drink?” Jess chirps, red cups in hand. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Sure, thanks,” Alex nods back at her, sipping from the cup. It doesn’t really taste very good. Alex has never particularly liked the taste of alcohol. He drinks it from time to time, to fit in with the popular crowd at parties, sure, but the actual flavor of it isn’t something he’s particularly keen or fond of.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>It’s almost jarring.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Rum?” He asks Jess, scowling. “And the shitty kind, too.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>To which Jess merely scoffs, shaking her head like Alex just said something ridiculous and out of place. “Of course, it’s the shitty kind, this is basically a frat party,” she chides. “Nobody here actually drinks anything high quality. It would be a total waste.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“I guess,” Alex shrugs, letting his gaze sweep across the main floor – there’s sweaty bodies, loud music, and what looks to be several horny teenagers grinding – just your typical college frat party shit. It’s not even surprising, and it’s not like Alex can claim any moral high ground when it comes to sexual behavior. He’s 99% sure that if Charlie were here, he’d be doing the same thing.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Your roommate’s not here yet, huh?” Jess suddenly asks, voice piercing through the concussive beats of the all-too-loud music. “Kind of weird how they just let us in.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Yeah, well, party-crashers are probably the norm here,” Alex mutters. “Besides, the more, the merrier, right?”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Jess looks a little surprised to hear Alex say that. “Sure, whatever, I’m going to go get some more rum,” and with that, she takes off. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And Alex is left alone again, to wander in his thoughts. The alcohol is really beginning to take off, coursing through his veins, assailing his senses. Alex isn’t that much of a lightweight – but he hasn’t really had dinner, so he’s feeling the effects of the alcohol much more strongly than he imagined. It’s moments like these that he once more thinks of Charlie.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Wanting him, missing him, having him next to Alex.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Like all those times back then, when he kept pushing Charlie away, only to have Charlie always come back to him, wanting more, needing more. It’s moments like those that Alex wishes that he could take back, even now, lonely at Berkeley. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>He takes a look at his phone, tipsy fingers finding its way to the calendar where Charlie’s football game date is saved.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Soon,” he whispers to himself, exhaling sharply. </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>A few people have mentioned this to me, but Jacob is really meant to be written in the image of a certain character who is no longer alive.</p><p>Someone Alex knows all too well. He's a little frightening for that reason</p><p>*Sweats Profusely*</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. The First Sip of Alcohol</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex and Jess have their first College party. Lots of alcohol. </p><p>It doesn't go entirely as expected - Jess enjoys it more than Alex, and maybe not for the right reasons.</p><p>Alex can only look forward to seeing Charlie again soon.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>HEADS UP: There is some... homophobic language at the very end of this, during the teaser. I've updated the tags to include it, as it will be a recurring element. </p><p>Here's Chapter 5 guys!</p><p>There's not too much Chalex here, so I apologize, but this is a fairly crucial chapter to establish some things.</p><p>Stay tuned; there is a *lot* of "hands on" Chalex in the next few chapters to come :) </p><p>Including a second smut scene sometime soon :P</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker” </em>
</p><p>- <strong>Ogden Nash</strong></p><p> </p><p>The rise and swell of the music is crashing against Alex’s eardrums, loud, sharp, like vibrating energy entering every pore, every vein in his body. It’s a nice feeling – it’s blissful, it’s entrancing, like forcing his brain to shut down, to stop thinking for once in his life, and just enjoy the music, the dancing, the alcohol that’s freely flowing through him.</p><p> </p><p>It does occur to him somewhere, at the back of his mind, that he isn’t 21. That he doesn’t meet the legal drinking age, that technically what he’s doing right here, right now, is illegal. Alex is also pretty sure that virtually no one here is of legal age either. Save for the token one or two that actually are 21, so that they can do all the dirty work for everyone here. But Alex doesn’t care – after all, after everything that’s happened, how could he?</p><p> </p><p>Because if there’s anything Alex has learned that rules are arbitrary, just things that people say, that the state mandates. How many of them are actually enforced? Alex can only laugh at that. If all these rules were enforced, it clearly didn’t apply to Liberty High. Alex thinks back to what Clay said – how so many of these so-called “rules” are just checkboxes for schools to hit. Some arbitrary, pointless thing meant, in theory, to keep schools and teenagers safe.</p><p> </p><p>It clearly didn’t stop Hannah from taking her life, or Bryce from doing what he did. So why bother? Why should it matter? If someone can get away with something as heinous as that, surely, just surely, drinking underage is virtually nothing compared to that.</p><p> </p><p><em>Alcohol</em>.</p><p> </p><p>It’s an irreconcilable dichotomy when it comes to alcohol for him. On one hand, he feels relaxed, deathly calm even, when the effects of the alcohol finally hit him. On the other hand, the slightest thing, the slightest irritation can change that – it’s like opposite extremes treading on a thin, fine line. Just alcohol things, perhaps, but Alex can only wonder if it’s a bigger sign of the damage he carries within.</p><p> </p><p>After all, it’s also times like these that he thinks back to Hannah, and Bryce, and everything that’s happened over the years.</p><p> </p><p>But he’s also had to remind himself that he didn’t come here, to this party, to remind himself of the past he wishes to forget. He’s here to enjoy himself, he’s here to maybe make friends, or at least get to know people. He’s here with Jessica, not with his ghosts of the past.</p><p> </p><p>Alex swallows hard – and it’s like the scene starts up again, all in one go.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Another drink?” Jess chirps, red cups in hand. </p><p> </p><p>“Sure, thanks,” Alex nods back at her, sipping from the cup. It’s rum, and it doesn’t really taste very good. Alex has never actually particularly liked the taste of rum. He drinks it from time to time, to fit in with the popular crowd at parties, sure, but the actual flavor of it isn’t something he’s particularly keen or fond of.</p><p> </p><p>It’s almost jarring.</p><p> </p><p>“Rum?” He asks Jess, scowling. “And the shitty kind, too.”</p><p> </p><p>To which Jess merely scoffs, shaking her head like Alex just said something ridiculous and out of place. “Of course, it’s the shitty kind, this is basically a frat party,” she chides. “Nobody here actually drinks anything high quality. It would be a total waste.”</p><p> </p><p>“I guess,” Alex shrugs, letting his gaze sweep across the main floor – there’s sweaty bodies, loud music, and what looks to be several horny teenagers grinding – just your typical college frat party shit. It’s not even surprising, and it’s not like Alex can claim any moral high ground when it comes to sexual behavior. He’s 99% sure that if Charlie were here, he’d be doing the same thing.</p><p> </p><p>“Your roommate’s not here yet, huh?” Jess suddenly asks, voice piercing through the concussive beats of the all-too-loud music. “Kind of weird how they just let us in.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, party-crashers are probably the norm here,” Alex mutters. “Besides, the more, the merrier, right?” He says sarcastically.</p><p> </p><p>Jess looks a little surprised to hear Alex say that, rolling her eyes. “Sure, whatever, I’m going to go get some more rum,” she nods, quick steps taking her back to the table where the bottle of rum is quickly dwindling by the minute.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex is left alone, a brief respite, to wander in his thoughts. The alcohol is really beginning to take off, coursing through his veins, assailing his senses. Alex isn’t that much of a lightweight – but he hasn’t really had dinner, so he’s feeling the effects of the alcohol much more strongly than he imagined. It’s moments like these that he once more thinks of Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Wanting him, missing him, having him next to Alex.</p><p> </p><p>Like all those times back then, when he kept pushing Charlie away, only to have Charlie always come back to him, wanting more, needing more. It’s moments like those that Alex wishes that he could take back, even now, lonely at Berkeley. </p><p> </p><p>He takes a look at his phone, tipsy fingers finding its way to the calendar where Charlie’s football game date is saved.</p><p> </p><p>“Soon,” he whispers to himself, exhaling sharply. </p><p> </p><p>“Alex?” Jess chirps as she returns, furrowing her brows. She takes a few steps closer, trying to make out what Alex is typing on his phone. She clearly must have seen, because she lets out a groan and rolls her eyes like Alex just did something wrong. “Come on, you gotta stop texting Charlie. Enjoy the party, get to know people.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh – he knows she’s right. He didn’t come here to text Charlie, after all – he’s here to meet people, and he’s here because Jacob invited him. Jacob, who, still isn’t here yet. There’s a small part of him that’s relieved – at least for the time being. Like a calm before the storm sort of thing. He’s come this far; he’s decided to show up, to enjoy himself, to meet people. So why not just make it count?</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, sure,” he finally says, nodding. “I’m gonna get another drink.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex isn’t really too keen on actually taking in more alcohol right now, but at least it gives him an excuse to <em>do something</em>. Jess is dragging him along and they make their way to the kitchen, which is beginning to look more like a science experiment than a place of cuisine if he’s being honest.</p><p> </p><p>“Who buys all of this stuff?” Alex scoffs at the copious amounts of alcohol sprawled on the countertop, reluctantly grabbing another beer from the fridge. “It’s like an all you can drink buffet.”</p><p> </p><p>“Rich frat boys,” Jess clicks her tongue dismissively. “The worst kind. But they’re at least good for bringing tons of booze to the big bashes.”</p><p> </p><p>“I suppose,” Alex downs the beer, grimacing when the bitterness hits him like a truck. <em>God</em>, it tastes bitter as hell. It doesn’t taste as awful as it normally does, perhaps because he’s acclimated to the flavor, but it still hits like a ton of bricks. He begrudgingly takes another gulp.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m gonna look around,” Jess suddenly says. Alex shoots her a suspicious glance but doesn’t say anything. “Come on, go talk to some people here – you’re not going to meet new people if you’re not going to say hi to people.”</p><p> </p><p>He’s alone again, and he has to resist the temptation from texting Charlie. It doesn’t feel so bad, though, and it’s something he thinks can be attributed to the alcohol. That, at least, he’s thankful for.</p><p> </p><p>At this point, the bitterness and awfulness associated with the taste of alcohol is just the price he has to pay to make it through the night with these people. If there’s a saving grace about it, it’s that he feels a lot less tense now. It feels… strangely calming, actually.</p><p> </p><p>Alex takes another gulp of the beer, having to resist the urge to gag. It’s really disgusting, and it appears his over-exaggerated reaction didn’t go unnoticed.</p><p> </p><p>“Having fun yet?” A voice asks. Alex spins around, eyes resting on an unfamiliar face. Blonde hair, hazel eyes, remarkably strong bone structure. A handsome lad, no doubt, and it makes him blush a little bit, and he’s sure the alcohol’s not quite helping. Thank god Charlie isn’t here, Alex thinks to himself cheekily. “Sorry about the beer. The boys wanted them IPAs.”</p><p> </p><p>“It’s fine, I guess. Just didn’t expect it to be that bitter,” Alex murmurs, wrinkling his nose as he took another large gulp of the rather foul-tasting liquid. “Fuck, man, how do people drink this garbage?”</p><p> </p><p>“Not a beer guy, huh?” The boy smirks. “I’m Jack, by the way, the host,” he holds out a hand. “You come here with somebody?”</p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” he nods back. “Uh, Jacob invited me, if you know him,” he says, forcing a slight grin when he shakes the hand he’s been given.</p><p> </p><p>“Ah Jacob, our best guy! So, you must be his new roommate,” he continues. “Jacob’s running late, so I guess you’ll have to manage till he comes,” he smiles, patting Alex on the arm. They both turn around when a voice calls out Jack’s name from further inside the house. “I’m gonna go back to the boys for some beer pong. Except it ain’t beer, it’s vodka.” He lets out a dry laugh, saluting Alex.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex could have just smiled, nodding in agreement. He could’ve just let the conversation end there, let things slide, and go find Jess. To stay in his comfort zone, like he’s always tried to do. Not that it’s ever done him much good – it seems like things just never go his way, the chips don’t fall where he wants them to, like ever.</p><p> </p><p>Alex takes a split second to think back to Charlie, telling him to enjoy his time, to enjoy the atmosphere, the partying, the people. He remembers being surprised, of course, since it’s definitely more than a little weird for your boyfriend to tell you to enjoy yourself at a party without him. Or, perhaps, it’s a sign of trust. Alex is at least confident that it’s the latter.</p><p> </p><p>He takes another moment to think of Bryce, Jacob, Hillcrest, <em>everything</em>. Suddenly, it doesn’t seem so urgent, it doesn’t seem like it’s some pressing threat. Alex has tried to reason with himself, telling himself that it’s silly, that it’s <em>beyond </em>silly, actually. They’ve spent so long running from their past, from their demons, the least he needs or wants is this as a constant reminder when he’s just trying to enjoy himself for one night. He wonders if it’s the alcohol coursing through his veins that’s making him feel this way.</p><p> </p><p>But in the end, the result is the same – he doesn’t back down.</p><p> </p><p>“Jack?” he says, setting aside his half-finished beer. “Uh…  Is…is it cool if I join you guys?”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>The next hour or so pass by in a haze. Alex, frankly, is <em>terrible </em>at beer pong, and the fact that the boys have substituted vodka for beer isn’t helping. It doesn’t taste as awful as the IPAs, but it hits like a total truck. He’s lost almost every round. And this round doesn’t look any better.</p><p> </p><p>The cup is directly across from him. Alex is dizzy, so much so that he can barely register how hard, how far he has to throw it. He feels a little nauseous – it’s not so terrible yet, but it’s definitely building up. He stumbles a little.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey Alex, you okay?” a voice calls out from the opposite side.</p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah I’m fine,” Alex stutters, regaining his balance.</p><p> </p><p>He forces his vision to focus, steadying his gaze. He tosses the ball over.</p><p> </p><p>It misses.</p><p> </p><p>“Shit!” He throws his hands in the air, frustrated.</p><p> </p><p>“Alright! Our turn,” the boys on the other side exclaim. Alex watches with dread as they line up the perfect shot. It feels like the alcohol isn’t hitting them, at least not <em>nearly</em> as hard. He frowns, sighing in defeat when they toss it perfectly into one of the cups by his side.</p><p> </p><p>“Drink up,” they cheer, bro-fisting and high-fiving, loud hoots coming out.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure your side isn’t actually just water,” Alex jeers, grimacing as he gulps down yet another one of the many shots of vodka he’s had over the past god knows how long. It starts to taste like nothingness – something Alex knows means he’s had one too many drinks. Well, it tastes like nothing, if nothing was poison and deadly.</p><p> </p><p>He feels super dizzy now.</p><p> </p><p>Alex isn’t sure if he came to regret his decision. He’s pretty drunk now, stumbling slightly as he makes his way back to his side of the table. Jack’s friends are still going strong, and Alex can’t help but feel slightly embarrassed that his tolerance isn’t up there, with the rest of the guys. He lets out a groan, large, uncoordinated movements inadvertently causing the neatly set up cups to fall apart.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck,” he murmurs, slurring. “S-sorry about that guys, I’ll go fix-“ he doesn’t get that far.</p><p> </p><p>Jack’s by his side, leaning down to help him pick up the cups.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, you really should know your own limit,” he playfully pokes, chuckling when Alex frowns back at him. “Come on, sit down for a bit,” he winks, moving a couple of jackets and what appears to be schoolwork off of one of the seats. “Don’t wanna have you puking all over the table.”</p><p> </p><p>He flashes a thumbs-up and grins. It makes Alex blush a little because <em>goddamn</em>, Jack’s undeniably damn good looking and the alcohol really isn’t helping. “<em>Not as cute as Charlie, of course</em>,” Alex reminds himself at that.</p><p> </p><p>Alex nods, head spinning as he takes a seat down. He takes the moment to take out his phone, dismayed when it takes him three attempts to unlock his phone. Alex winces in mild discomfort when the rolling nausea starts to hit, and for a moment, he’s almost certain he was on the brink of passing out.</p><p> </p><p>He can’t recall the last time he’s gotten this drunk. The nausea, the dizziness, the regret, it’s all hitting him at once like bricks. He’s almost certain he’ll regret this the next day – when he wakes up undoubtedly hungover. Thank god it’s a Saturday tomorrow.</p><p> </p><p>He lets out a disgruntled groan, sitting up straighter.</p><p> </p><p>Alex clicks on Charlie’s contact name, clumsy, drunk fingers struggling to type out a coherent text. He’s being extra careful, trying not to say anything, or click anything he knows he’s going to regret. It proves harder than expected.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hates how long it takes for him to type out a single word. He groans again in frustration, wiping his sweaty hands on his pants, before trying again, mentally bracing himself, then wondering if it’s even worth it because <em>God</em>, that phone screen is too bright right now.</p><p> </p><p>There are footsteps in the background, vague cheers, and cries in the background from the boys who are still playing beer pong. Alex has tuned out the background noise, chatter, mind solely focused on trying not to think, not to move. It’s not really working, but then there’s one sound, a return greeting, that jolts Alex back to attention. He freezes for a moment.</p><p> </p><p><em>He’s </em>here. <em>Jacob</em>’s here.</p><p> </p><p>For a split second, Alex questions himself as to why he agreed to come to the party.</p><p> </p><p>“Jacob!” Multiple voices exclaim, gathering around the boy. He’s remarkably well dressed for the occasion. Not too formal, but definitely gives off the wealthy, better-than-thou aura. It makes Alex cringe a little, but not because he’s jealous, or anything, or thinks it’s pretentious or anything like that. After all, Charlie is just as well off, but he isn’t a jerk about it.</p><p> </p><p>It’s just – almost embarrassing because Alex is wearing the most casual clothes ever.</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, got held up,” Jacob says back casually, bro-fisting a bunch of them dudes as he makes his way into the room. “Jack,” he nods, warmly greeting the host.</p><p> </p><p>“Nice, you’re here now,” Jack remarks back, then looks over at Alex. “Might wanna take care of your roommate. Alex here drank a little too much.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine,” Alex shoots back, but he doesn’t believe it. He shoots a glance over at Jacob, who raises an eyebrow in concern – it doesn’t look fake; Jacob does really look concerned. Or at least, he’s a damn good actor at that. “Just… gotta sit down for a bit.”</p><p> </p><p>“I uh, well – glad you could make it I guess Alex,” Jacob nods in playful approval, tapping Alex against the arm. “Seriously though, vodka pong is disgusting,” he laughs, leading to a cacophony of playful boos from the boys in the back. “Guess they don’t agree.”</p><p> </p><p>And suddenly, the rolling nausea becomes too much. It’s all hitting him at once, and his stomach lurches. Alex can barely mutter an apology, a brief goodbye, before he’s running towards the restroom in sloppy, aggressive motions, barely slamming the door behind him before the heaves get to him.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex hasn’t ever felt this awful just from drinking. It feels like he’s just emptied out his entire body, and he doesn’t even feel <em>that</em> much better. It just feels less nauseating, but the dizziness and regret are still there. Jack was right, he really should know his limit.</p><p> </p><p>He lets out a sigh, turning on the tap and feeling a modicum of relief when cool water splashes over his hands. Exhaling, he takes a handful of the water and splashes it in his face, the sudden coolness contrasting with his flushed, increasingly sweaty skin no doubt from the alcohol coursing through his veins like liquid poison.</p><p> </p><p>His mind clears a little bit – that, at the very least, he can be assured of. Alex wipes his hands against the towel, shaking his head when he realizes the towel itself is wet, with god knows what. “Gross,” he mutters, grimacing, settling to wipe his hands against the fabric of his pants instead to dry them off.</p><p> </p><p>He only realizes then that his phone is missing.</p><p> </p><p>It’s like a thunderbolt of panic – Alex gasps, first instinct to reach frantically into his back pockets, into wherever, to try to find his phone. No success. Alex remembers seeing some meme on Instagram, a few weeks back. Something about how realizing your phone’s missing is the most sobering thing in the world.</p><p> </p><p>Well, <em>damn</em> if that isn’t true right now. He grimaces ruefully.</p><p> </p><p>He’s breathing hard, trying to will himself to calm down. <em>Relax</em>, he tells himself – Alex can only hope that he kept his phone locked. It’s probably just back where he, Jacob, and the rest of the boys were playing beer, or vodka pong, or whatever. The last thing he remembers, he was texting Charlie. Or at least, trying to text Charlie. He doesn’t know if it was successful or not.</p><p> </p><p>Grimacing, he opens the door, a wave of relief washing over him when he sees that no one is staring at him weirdly. Perhaps it isn’t that surprising either – Alex is certain people getting sick at parties is probably just another aspect of college life. Not a pleasant one, certainly, but still, part of the ‘lovely’ campus experience that everyone’s been talking about.</p><p> </p><p>“Yay,” he says, twisting his mouth as he makes his way back to the room where the boys are still playing their games.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh hey, you’re back,” Jacob salutes him. “Hope you feel better,” he says, shooting a worried glance back.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess,” Alex scowls back, exhaling in relief when he sees his phone lying on the seat. The screen is off, like a black mirror. Shaking his head, he walks over, picking up his phone, lazily tapping the power button. The screen illuminates.</p><p> </p><p>To his surprise, he sees a text from Charlie.</p><p> </p><p><em>(6 minutes ago) Charlie </em> <em>♥</em> <em>: Uh… are you alright? Gotta enjoy yourself but stay safe too</em></p><p><em>(5 minutes ago) Charlie </em> <em>♥</em> <em>: Let’s just facetime tomorrow. Get some rest when you get home okay cutie?</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>Confused, Alex scrolls up, and only then he sees that he <em>did</em> in fact, text Charlie. Or at the very least, the text came from <em>his </em>phone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(8 minutes ago) Alex Standall: Immmm so drunkkk. god I rlly wanna fuck you rnnnnn</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>"What?” Alex shakes his head, eyes wide in confusion, mouth agape in disbelief. “Wait- what, when did I send this?” He whispers quietly, letting his eyes sweep across the room. He finds nothing but confused stares from the rest of the guys there.</p><p> </p><p>“Did one of you…?” He says, shutting his phone off, before steeling his gaze towards Jacob. “Did you?”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob just stares back at him in even more perplexity and a certain element of sympathy that Alex can only feel is patronizing, or a touch condescending. He hates it, because <em>God </em>it reminds him of the helplessness he felt way back then after he survived his suicide attempt.</p><p> </p><p>Alex really doesn’t remember sending that text. He’s certain that at least for several minutes, his phone wasn’t on him – that much is certain. He didn’t bring it with him into the restroom while he was throwing up. He definitely left it outside. But he doesn’t remember if he left the phone unlocked or not – let alone if he sent any texts at all while so drunk and unstable.</p><p> </p><p>Frankly, he doesn’t know <em>what </em>to believe.</p><p> </p><p>“Dude, are you okay?” Jacob says, draping an arm around Alex’s shoulder. “Seriously, do you need to go back to Unit 1? I can call you an Uber,” his voice seems filled with concern. Alex might be drunk, confused, suspicious even – but even he can tell Jacob’s tone doesn’t sound ungenuine.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m fine, I just, I-“ Alex stutters. “I’m just going to go find-“ he bites his tongue, realizing what he was about to say.</p><p> </p><p>He stares Jacob in the eyes, suddenly remembering their first day, during the move in.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Heard a lot about them Liberty kids, you know. Especially when... Jessica? Was that her name - ruined our football game."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“My friend,” he finishes, nodding silently. Jessica doesn’t know. He hasn’t said anything to her about Jacob, about how he went to Hillcrest, and how he somehow knows her name. He’s never spoken to Jacob about Jess – he’s not even sure Jacob actually knows what Jess looks like. Jess’s name is infamous no doubt, she <em>ruined </em>their football game after all.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is suddenly caught wondering again why he decided to come – despite knowing all this. It was selfish, or at least self-centered, to come here, even at Jess and Charlie’s behest to get to know more people, make friends, and that sort of stuff. At least he should’ve said something, anything.</p><p> </p><p>But he doesn’t get that far. Because suddenly, Jess is calling his name.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex?” Jess steps back into the foreground, two red cups in hand. She looks worried, seeing through Alex. “You look like a total mess,” she chides, setting one of the cups aside.</p><p> </p><p>“You his friend?” Jacob calls out, raising an eyebrow. “Think I can have his share?” He lets out a dry laugh, pointing at the cup.</p><p> </p><p>Jess rolls her eyes. “Well, I don’t think he’s in any state to drink more, so… sure,” she nods, turning to face Alex again. Her eyes are filled with concern, but she’s not the one Alex has his eyes rested on – he’s looking at Jacob.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob, who knew Jessica’s name. Jacob, who went to Hillcrest.</p><p> </p><p>One of the boys nudges Jacob in the ribs, and anger touches Alex when he sees what appears to be Jacob’s delighted appraisal of Jess’s physique – one that definitely stayed too long below her jawline. It makes him uncomfortable – and he’s not even sure why. It’s not like <em>looking </em>is illegal, or immoral; if that were the case, everyone would be a pig.</p><p> </p><p>But Jess doesn’t notice.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m good, Jess,” Alex manages to get out, sitting up straight, the entire past few minutes incredibly sobering, and perhaps not for the right reasons.</p><p> </p><p>Jess looks unconvinced, but relents anyways, averting her gaze when Jacob takes the drink she brought intending for Alex. The next moments that pass seem to occur in slow motion, and Alex can only come to regret this all in the future. He wishes that he would have known that here, right now.</p><p> </p><p>Jess smiles at Jacob – it’s not fake, either; she looks to just be greeting him, acknowledging that he has her attention, and also because he took the drink from <em>her</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“So, your name’s Jess, right?” Jacob asks – unemotional, unwavering stoicism in his demeanor. His relentless focus is almost unsettling. “Alex’s friend?”</p><p> </p><p>Jess takes a sip from her cup, crossing her arms, almost defensively. “Yup,” she nods back. “And I take it you’re his roommate?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess you could say that,” Jacob raises his broad shoulders, before letting them fall. He lets his glance sweep by Alex. “Alex doesn’t talk to me very much though,” he admits, his eyes darkening for a brief split second.</p><p> </p><p>“Wh-“ Alex begins, almost soundlessly. The tonality behind the words are subtle but sound layered and slightly venomous. Alex isn’t sure if anyone else notices, as it’s not directed at them. It hits in a way he wasn’t expecting, and he’s not even sure if he should be feeling this way. Jacob <em>isn’t</em> wrong – Alex has been ignoring him. There’s nothing slanderous, or untruthful about what was just said.</p><p> </p><p>Jack cocks his head slightly, the emotions on his face indiscernible, seeming slightly taken aback, but the boys in the back are laughing – totally uninvested in what’s happening right here, right now.</p><p> </p><p>Alex just sits still, unwilling to look Jacob back in the eyes, even though he can feel both Alex and Jessica’s steely gaze on him. His first instinct is to hide, to escape from the building pressure of the situation, to pretend that this is all a dream. But that’s not realistic, it’s not an option. Alex knows that – but it doesn’t wipe the shame or the uneasiness from everything.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, well, I guess it’s nice you two could bond at the party,” Jess remarks back, certainly picking up on the growing tension of the situation. “Right, Alex?” She says, almost a plea, looking back at her ex-boyfriend, restlessly fidgeting.</p><p> </p><p>Alex shifts a little in discomfort, before answering after a pause. “Yeah,” he says. “Yeah, it’s nice.”</p><p> </p><p><em>God</em>, that must have sounded so pathetic. Alex lets out an inaudible sigh of frustration, forcing a grin when Jacob looks back at him with unemotional eyes, steely eyes. For a moment, he swears he can see a slight, smug smile creep on Jacob’s face in the span of the blink of an eye, and it makes Alex look away again, cursing himself for coming here, getting this drunk, and now having this whole situation unfold in front of him.</p><p> </p><p>Then it’s all gone – Jacob’s eyes are on Jess again. He doesn’t say anything, and for a split second, their eyes meet. It makes Alex feel remarkably uncomfortable, and it’s not because Jacob must find her hot, or whatever. It’s because Alex knows, here and now, that he should have told Jess earlier.</p><p> </p><p>It’s like, those years at Liberty High didn’t teach him anything – about withholding information from your closest friends, the people central to the whole situation, the whole argument. Alex has gotten damn good at lying to people outside the picture, to cops, his parents, even to Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>But it doesn’t seem to be doing him any good right now.</p><p> </p><p>The whole situation is disconcerting, his breaths seem to slow, or at the very least, because he can hear every little one that leaves his mouth, as all of it happens again in slow motion. Alex closes his eyes, and the memories continue where they left off, like projected onto the screen of his mind.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>November 2nd, 2018</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>To which Alex steely says back, “You’re not going to do anything to Zach.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m gonna fucking destroy him!” Bryce roars back, merely half-aware of anything that leaves Alex’s lips. It’s one-track thinking, one-directional fury, blinded by rage and pain.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>It’s deeply disturbing. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex would only later realize how much he comes to regret what happens in the next few minutes. It’s going to haunt him for the rest of his life.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You!” Bryce breathes, his weight shifting uncontrollably, causing Alex to lose his balance. But he’s not talking to him. No, he’s talking to the girl behind Alex, who’s watching it all, observing with careful, calculating eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Jessica Davis.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You set me up!” Bryce roars again, cold fury seeping into every word that leaves his mouth, like listening to the song of a madman, moments before tragedy. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex doesn’t relent. Because in his mind, however much anger Bryce must be feeling right now – it doesn’t compare to Alex’s own, unbridled, unfettered rage at this. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“She did not set you up!” He yells back, tightening his grip on Bryce, so much so that he’s certain it hurts the man, because Bryce starts roaring and flailing around in pain again. </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Now</span>
</p><p> </p><p>“Sorry, but I think you may have the wrong idea,” a female voice says.</p><p> </p><p>And like that, Alex is jolted, snapped back to reality. He’s breathing hard again, but not as hard as before; there’s a part of his mind that’s become acclimated to all this. He looks up, resting his eyes on the awkward interaction that’s unfolding between Jess and Jacob.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob’s got a hand on her waist – it isn’t aggressive, or anything. They must have been flirting – or at least, Jacob must have been flirting. Part of Alex feels smug about this. He knows it’s silly, really. Jacob hasn’t wronged him or Jess – so why does he feel this way?</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Jacob says back awkwardly, disappointment filling his voice. “I see.” He nods, withdrawing his touches.</p><p> </p><p>In the back, Alex can hear the playful, teasing hoots of the boys, sans Jack, who just observes. <em>Fucking boys</em>, he thinks to himself, shaking his head in displeasure.</p><p> </p><p>“Real mature, you guys,” Jess yells over, shaking her head in disapproval.</p><p> </p><p>“Just ignore them,” Jacob puts his hands in his pockets, shuffling away from Jess.</p><p> </p><p>“Jacob,” Jess says again. “Don’t get the wrong idea – I just…” She blinks, sighing, before reaffirming her stance. “I lost my boyfriend a while back, and I don’t think I’m-“ For a moment Alex is worried that she’ll break – but she stands firm. There’s nothing emotional about what she’s said. They’re facts through and through.</p><p> </p><p>But Jacob puts up a hand, understanding. “I get it,” he says, nodding. “Don’t have to explain,” he smiles. “But… could I at least have your number?”</p><p> </p><p>And somewhere along the way, amidst all these interactions, Alex is thinking to himself, hard, how to interpret everything that has just transpired. He still remembers, like it’s emblazoned in his mind, Jacob’s mention of knowing a “Jessica”; the one who ruined their football game. Why hasn’t he said anything? Does he not realize this is the Jessica he was talking about?</p><p> </p><p>Is he just playing dumb, going along with everything? What else could he possibly know about Bryce?</p><p> </p><p>All of it is disconcerting. Alex knows he’s going to have to have this conversation with Jess and Jacob one day, soon. It was bound to happen, regardless of whether tonight’s party occurred or not, or whether they went or not. If there’s one thing Alex <em>has </em>learned over the years, it’s that fate is virtually never on his side when it comes to matters like these.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a part of him that’s also wondering if he can just keep it this way. That he’ll never have to say anything, that he can just let it be. Let the dead bury the dead, let the past stay in the past. If Jacob hasn’t said anything yet, maybe, just maybe, he never will.</p><p> </p><p>Sometimes, Alex wonders why fate was so kind as to gift Charlie to him. He has to call Charlie soon. Charlie has to know about this.</p><p> </p><p><em>Soon</em>, Alex thinks to himself, reminding him again of the fast-approaching first football game.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure,” says Jess, eliciting a similar smile and nod from Jacob.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Chapter 6 Teaser</span>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Zach?” Alex asks, mouth agape in surprise. “I thought you said you couldn’t make it?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Zach smirks in response, letting a hand fall on Alex’s shoulder. Zach’s a damn big guy, so the sudden weight against Alex’s thinner frame causes him to lose balance for a bit. There's a part of Alex that remembers when touches like these from Zach would make him nervous, make his heart skip a beat. Not anymore - it's not a bad thing, of course, when he already has a boyfriend. He's grateful that Zach can always be a part of his life, as his best friend.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Oops,” he laughs. “Yeah, well – I still got friends playing you know. Liberty High’s football team is a part of my legacy,” he grins. "Gotta turn up for the support. Besides, I get to hang out with you again."</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll bet,” Alex nods. “Has the PT helped with your knee at all?” He inquires sympathetically, sincere eyes resting on Zach’s. “I mean… I know you said…”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>To which Zach sighs, shaking his head. And Alex immediately wishes he hadn’t asked that – although he did know Zach was continuing his PT, away at college, studying music, he also knew that the doctors responsible for mending up Zach’s knee had already told him the grim prognosis.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Football’s basically not an option for me,” he admits, shaking his head. “But fortunately, I can do basically all my mundane, boring day-to-day things.” He lets out a dry laugh. “Real pathetic, huh.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, at least you’re still alive,” Alex mutters back, without thinking.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Shit.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Zach just stares at him with dark eyes, somewhere between confused and mildly irritated. “Alex, seriously, are you talking about Bryce again?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>Alex sighs, shaking his head in disapproval of himself. Like </em>God, <em>he knows he shouldn’t be talking about Bryce like this. After all, Bryce was the one responsible for busting Zach’s knee; Bryce was the one responsible for ending his career in football. And above all – Bryce is their mutual biggest source of guilt to this day.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He knows. He shouldn’t have sad that. But for whatever reason, Alex hasn’t been able to shake this off since starting up at UC Berkeley. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I-“ he begins.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Just forget about it man,” Zach says dismissively. "It's over."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>For a split second, Alex wants to protest out against that – to mention Jacob, Jessica, how things are unfolding, what he’s learned. But then again, he hasn’t even told Jess yet. He hasn’t even replied to her goddamn text, so how can he tell himself that Zach needs to know, right here, right now?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>So he just lets out a quiet “okay” and nods slightly. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Look, the game’s about to start,” Zach says cheerily. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Charlie.</p><p> </p><p><em>That means Charlie’s about to hit the field. Alex realizes this – he realizes that he came here, back to Crestmont for the primary purpose of seeing Charlie. For </em>this<em>. Not to talk about Jacob, or Bryce, or anything of that sort. He came here to see Charlie, to support him.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>So he exhales sharply, clearing his mind as the cheers erupt in the stadium. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p><em>“Give it up for our Liberty Tigers!” The announcer roars, as a dozen football players enter the field, clad in Liberty jerseys and football gear. Their helmets are on, but Alex can recognize Charlie from a mile away. Plus, the jersey clearly says ‘St. George’ on the back. </em> <em>Alex is excited. He’s thrilled, seeing Charlie again, like this in person, after over a month. Sure, it’s nice to facetime him, at least they can see each other’s faces, but it’s not the same. And lowkey, Alex thinks that football gear makes him even hotter and manlier. </em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>But then Charlie turns around, and Alex gets the chance to really see his face. There’s no way Charlie can see him from so far away, with so many faces in the stadium – but Alex can see him clearly.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Charlie looks distressed. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And Alex’s heart sinks when he hears what one of Charlie’s teammates says to him.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You better not ruin this game for us you faggot.”</em>
</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Dear lord, I felt terrible about writing that last line. </p><p>Thank you again to my readers for keeping me motivated to write more. This is going to be a huge project so I hope we can take that journey together ^^ until our boys get the happy ending they deserve.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. The "Pretty Boy" Quarterback</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The first football game Alex goes back to watch. Unfortunately, Charlie's teammates aren't the nicest people in the world, but Alex has a thing or two to say about that.</p><p>He's happy to see Charlie again - although a part of him wishes he could've diffused the Jacob and Jessica situation better</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>An early chapter? Yes indeed! I will try to post these more often.</p><p>WARNING: Strong, homophobic language is used in this chapter. Charlie's teammates are total jerks.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Integrity gives you real freedom because you have nothing to fear since you have nothing to hide"</em>
</p><p>- <strong>Zig Zaglar </strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"> <strong>September 27<sup>th</sup>, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p>The past few weeks passed by in a haze, as the heat from the summer rapidly fades, replaced by the dawn of autumn’s chill and shorter and shorter days. The A/C in every building hasn’t seemed to catch on to this, though, and Jacob finds that every lecture hall, every space he enters, is simply too cool for his liking. It gives him an excuse to wear sweaters and the like, true, which he certainly isn’t complaining about. He’s always liked being able to wear the higher quality sweaters, dress shirts, and anything in between. Needless to say, he’s always seen t-shirts and shorts as beneath him.</p><p> </p><p>Besides when he’s playing sports – but then again, who plays sports in a sweater anyway?</p><p> </p><p>Jacob’s lying in his bed, barely 4 PM, with a just-opened bottle of whiskey on the night table. He’s offered Alex a drink once, twice, maybe even more than that, but Alex has always said no. Jacob chalks it up to the party a few weeks ago, where Alex definitely drank way too much. So he doesn’t press it farther, even if he thinks it’s a little silly. </p><p> </p><p>Smiling at this, he takes another sip from the glass. The ice has begun to melt, but it’s not too bad. Jacob remembers back at home, growing up, that when the ice started to melt, he wouldn’t want to drink it anymore. He’s grown up that way – always wanting, expecting the best, and usually having his way. </p><p> </p><p>He’s feeling a little tense and has been lately. With Alex and everything, they’ve made small talk and more progress since the party. Alex talks to him more, at least relatively speaking, when you compare that to what it was like before. Jacob can’t help but feel like it’s forced, but he’s certainly not going to complain that his roommate is opening up a little more, even if it’s small talk, simple things.</p><p> </p><p>Besides, it’s good news – especially in terms of longer-term goals.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob taps his phone screen when he hears a buzz. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Jessica Davis: Hey, do you know if Alex is okay? He hasn’t really talked to me since the party. </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Jessica Davis: Especially because I think he’s going back home for the weekend. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Jacob twists his mouth at that, before hitting the power button again, exhaling when the screen goes black. Jacob hears the door handle turn – and Alex walks in momentarily after. His roommate wears a surprised look on his face, which Jacob ignores, and just silently greets him in return. </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t you have class right now?” Alex asks, emptying out the contents of his backpack onto his bed. He looks hurried. </p><p> </p><p>“It’s Friday,” Jacob says back, groaning. “Can’t always be going to class.”</p><p> </p><p>“Right, sure.”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob just watches him intently, suppressing a laugh when he sees a bunch of unused condoms and a bottle of lube fall out. “Nice,” Jacob laughs, nodding at that. “Little Alex getting more action. Gotta hit that sweet jock ass,” he grins, punching Alex in the arm. </p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, totally,” Alex rolls his eyes absentmindedly, ignoring Jacob’s teasing. “I’m going to uh, see his game tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>“Cool, tell him I said hi.”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob nods back, but Alex has his back turned to him. For a split-second, Jacob can see Alex tense up – like he’s thinking, regretting something he’s said, something he’s done. Alex’s face isn’t visible, so Jacob can’t be too entirely sure what’s happening – the expressions are invisible to him. Still, he doesn’t miss these little things.</p><p> </p><p>After all, he learned to read them well back at Hillcrest.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t say anything back to him but does continue to pack, gingerly setting aside his textbooks. Jacob chuckles a little at this – it’s clear Alex isn’t intending to do any studying back home. Not that he can blame Alex, of course – why would anyone spend the money and time to go home, just to study in gloom and doom? </p><p> </p><p>A few things are going through his head right now, little things to be upset, annoyed, or whatever over. Still, Jacob finds himself strangely calm right here, right now, to calmly observe, analyze, and reason with everything that he sees, he hears. </p><p> </p><p>It’s a bit of a privileged position to be in.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Jacob finally says, setting down the empty glass. The ice has completely melted now. Frowning, he gets up from the bed, footsteps leading him towards the drawers, where he takes out another glass and more ice from the mini freezer. </p><p> </p><p>It’s strangely relaxing. </p><p> </p><p>Finally, Jacob observes Alex finish packing, stuffing a single suitcase with enough clothes and supplies for a weekend away from Berkeley. Laptop and writing supplies, check. Condoms and lube? Check. Textbooks? Not a chance. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob chuckles a little. </p><p> </p><p>“Oh, by the way, Jacob,” Alex suddenly says, turning around. </p><p> </p><p>Jacob pauses, putting his glass down again to get a clear view of Alex talking to him. Alex seems a little anxious, although whether it’s out of excitement, or fear, or anything in between, Jacob can’t quite tell. “Yeah?” Jacob raises an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, thanks, you know,” Alex murmurs. There’s an unmistakable, but a slight tremor in his voice. “For uh, inviting me to that party,” he finishes. “Jack and them were pretty nice.”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob’s not sure if it’s totally genuine, but he smiles back in return, nodding and raising his glass as a sign that he’s got the message. “No worries.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shuffles a little, wiping his palms down against his pants before nodding and finally leaving. </p><p> </p><p>The room feels cooler now – and Jacob doesn’t think he’s imagining it. He shoots a glance at the thermostat, raising an eyebrow suspiciously when the number reads the same as it was an hour ago. That was definitely <em>very </em>strange, indeed. </p><p> </p><p>Cursing under his breath, he gets up and sets the temperature two degrees higher, before reaching into his satchel for something warm to wear. Part of him wonders why he keeps any of his clothes here when a reasonable person would’ve just put them in the drawer. </p><p> </p><p>But Jacob knows the answer to that already.</p><p> </p><p>Smiling ruefully, he pulls out a varsity jacket, deep purple, emblazoned with a beautifully designed “H”. He hasn’t worn this for a long time. In fact, Jacob doesn’t recall the last time he’s worn this. It’s like a relic of the past that’s not even so far away if you count time. But sentimentally, it’s like a lifetime ago already. It’s surreal. </p><p> </p><p>It’s Jacob’s Hillcrest varsity jacket. </p><p> </p><p>He pulls at the fabric, eyes darkening when he sees something he doesn’t want to be reminded of.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a dark, reddish stain on the inside of the material. It hasn’t washed off, in spite of all the time.</p><p> </p><p><em> Damn it, Bryce. </em> </p><p> </p><p>Jacob lets out a weighted sigh, his phone buzzing again. It’s nothing – it’s not a text from anyone, just a notification that some news article was just posted. But it does remind him that he hasn’t responded to his texts, including the two from Jessica. </p><p> </p><p>He pulls down the notification bar, eyes narrowing when he sees her name again. He swipes at it, and the notification disappears – like they were never there.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob then taps his text messages icon, the familiar screen popping in front of him. There are names here he doesn’t remember, numbers who’s names he never got. Girls from the past he’s hooked up with, and random guys he’s gotten drugs from. </p><p> </p><p>But that’s not what he’s looking for.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob scrolls down. It’s so far down, he briefly wonders if his phone still has them saved.  </p><p> </p><p>Then he finds it. </p><p> </p><p>(<em>1 year ago) Bryce Walker: Hey, I’m gonna head down to the pier</em></p><p>
  <em> (1 year ago) Bryce Walker: I’ll be back in a bit.             </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <em> Sometimes, you have to wonder why you do the things you do. Do you think, plot, in advance? Do you meticulously analyze everything you do, everything that happens? Or is it better to just go along, let fate drag you along? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even if that fate damns you to something worse? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Even if you’d come to regret it later? </em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s 6 on the dot when Alex arrives back in Crestmont. The sun has begun to set, and most certainly will be down by the time the football game starts. <em>Good</em>, Alex thinks to himself – he prefers that anyways. He’s grown fond of the night owl life or the supposed obscurity and quietness one associates with nightfall and darkness. It lets him stay in his own thoughts.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is excited at the prospect. Not just for tonight – of course, that, he’s looking forward to very much. But also for the rest of the weekend.</p><p> </p><p>It is his first weekend back from Berkeley, after all, and also the first time in a month he gets to see Charlie in person. A shiver runs down his spine when it crosses his mind what that means, what they’ll get to do, together. It’s like a drug, addictive, making him crave for more.</p><p> </p><p>He grins to himself. </p><p> </p><p>It’s moments and times like these that Alex can forget life’s difficulties, stressors, and everything. And just focus on Charlie and be excited about seeing his boyfriend again. </p><p> </p><p>Alex’s phone buzzes, and sure enough, it’s from Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (14 minutes ago) Alex Standall: Hey babe, almost home </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (14 minutes ago) Alex Standall: Catch you at tonight’s game </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Charlie ♥: Nice </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Charlie ♥: Can’t wait to see you after the game  </em>
</p><p><em> (Just now) Charlie ♥: Check Snapchat when it’s safe </em> <em>😉</em></p><p> </p><p>And sure enough as well, Alex receives a snap from Charlie at that exact moment. He eyes it suspiciously, glancing around to look for prying eyes. Everyone seems to be minding their own business, as to be expected, but one can never be too careful.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, he taps the Snapchat icon and Charlie’s name.</p><p> </p><p><em> Hey cutie </em> <em>😉 can’t wait to let you fuck me</em></p><p> </p><p>Charlie sent him a rather zoomed-in picture of his ass in those damn tight football pants. Football pants that Alex has asked him to wear on more than one occasion during their facetime sessions without ever telling him why. Guess Charlie figured it out. </p><p> </p><p>Those damn football pants.</p><p> </p><p>Alex gasps visibly at that, vigorously trying to tap the home button to get the image off his screen. Not because he doesn’t like it, of course. But <em>fuck</em>, that was hot. Even if it was totally public-space inappropriate and poorly timed.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Alex Standall: Jesus you could’ve told me it was NSFW  </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Alex Standall: That was hot though :* </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Charlie ♥: :* see you tonight  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex grins warmly. The bus comes to a stop, and Alex jumps to his feet, adrenaline coursing through his veins as he hops off, almost forgetting his luggage. He hears another buzz – assuming it’s Charlie, he thinks nothing of it, pulling out his phone.</p><p> </p><p>His face falls when he sees what it is.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Jessica Davis: Alex, what the hell? </em>
</p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Jessica Davis: Why are you suddenly avoiding me like the plague? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t know what to say back to her. He wishes he had thought things through, instead of withholding information from her. And now it seems like it would be even worse if he tells her about Jacob. He’s justified it to himself, telling himself that Jess doesn’t need reminders, stressors that cause her to relive everything. She deserves that much. Or so, that’s what he thinks. </p><p> </p><p>But she’s strong. He knows that better than anyone else.</p><p> </p><p>Alex thinks back to the conversation he and Jacob had a few days ago. He knows he should have said something. </p><p> </p><p>Closing his eyes, he swipes the notification tab away.     </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>As Alex guessed, it’s well past dusk when the football game is starting. The stadium is mostly full – reminiscent of his high school days from not too long ago. The football culture here is as strong as it was back when he was a student at Liberty High. Though, that’s not something Alex believes is something to be proud of.</p><p> </p><p>Yes, there are the jocks like Zach, Justin, and most importantly, Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>There are the “good” jocks – those who just want to play sports, have decent lives, decent attitudes, and a modicum of respect for women. But nothing in the past four years would have happened if it weren’t for the toxic jock culture at Liberty High. That much is undeniable.</p><p> </p><p>Alex smiles ruefully at that, closing his eyes as he scans the bleachers, finding an empty space. He takes a seat, sighs deeply, and lets his mind clear, if only for a moment. He’s here. He’s back home, in Crestmont, for the weekend. He gets to see Charlie. </p><p> </p><p> That must surely account for something, be worth it.</p><p> </p><p>Alex takes a moment to think back to the night of the party. How Jacob was flirting with Jess – how he didn’t seem to know her or even recognize her. He thinks back to the conversations they’ve had, since day one, since everything. He knows it’s silly, that Charlie is probably right. The chances of any implication are astronomically low.</p><p> </p><p>But still – being back in the stadium here, Alex can’t quite seem to shake that feeling off. That he’s seen Jacob before, way before they became roommates. Somewhere here, in Crestmont. It’s like being in this stadium reminds him of something he thought he’d forgotten. </p><p> </p><p>He’s got to talk to Charlie eventually about it. </p><p> </p><p>“Yo,” a voice interrupts his thoughts. Alex spins around, his gaze falling on someone he also hasn’t seen since the summer. Someone he very much wasn’t expecting.</p><p> </p><p>Tall, black hair, well-built, incredibly handsome. Something Alex merely knows all too well.</p><p> </p><p>Zach Dempsey. </p><p> </p><p>“Zach?” Alex asks, mouth agape in surprise. “I thought you said you couldn’t make it?”</p><p> </p><p>Zach smirks in response, letting a hand fall on Alex’s shoulder. Zach’s a damn big guy, so the sudden weight against Alex’s thinner frame causes him to lose balance for a bit. A part of Alex that remembers when touches like these from Zach would make him nervous and make his heart skip a beat. Not anymore - it’s not a bad thing, of course, when he already has a boyfriend. He’s grateful that Zach can always be a part of his life, as his best friend.</p><p> </p><p>“Oops,” he laughs. “Yeah, well – I still got friends playing, you know. Liberty High’s football team is a part of my legacy,” he grins. “Gotta turn up for the support. Besides, I get to hang out with you again.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll bet,” Alex nods. “Has the PT helped with your knee at all?” He inquires sympathetically, sincere eyes resting on Zach’s. “I mean… I know you said…”</p><p> </p><p>To which Zach sighs, shaking his head. And Alex immediately wishes he hadn’t asked that – although he did know Zach was continuing his PT, away at college, studying music, he also knew that the doctors responsible for mending up Zach’s knee had already told him the grim prognosis.</p><p> </p><p>“Football’s basically not an option for me,” he admits, shaking his head. “But fortunately, I can do basically all my mundane, boring day-to-day things.” He lets out a dry laugh. “Real pathetic, huh.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, at least you’re still alive,” Alex mutters back, without thinking.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Shit. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Zach just stares at him with dark eyes, somewhere between confused and mildly irritated. “Alex, seriously, are you talking about Bryce again?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs, shaking his head in disapproval of himself. Like God, he knows he shouldn’t be talking about Bryce like this. After all, Bryce was the one responsible for busting Zach’s knee; Bryce was the one responsible for ending his career in football. And above all – Bryce is their mutual biggest source of guilt to this day.</p><p> </p><p>He knows. He shouldn’t have sad that. For whatever reason, Alex hasn’t been able to shake this off since starting up at UC Berkeley. </p><p> </p><p>“I-“he begins.</p><p> </p><p>“Just forget about it, man,” Zach says dismissively. “It’s over.”</p><p> </p><p>For a split second, Alex wants to protest out against that – to mention Jacob, Jessica, how things are unfolding, what he’s learned. But then again, he hasn’t even told Jess yet. He hasn’t even replied to her goddamn text, so how can he tell himself that Zach needs to know, right here, right now? </p><p> </p><p>So he just lets out a quiet “okay” and nods slightly.</p><p> </p><p>“Look, the game’s about to start,” Zach says cheerily.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Charlie. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That means Charlie’s about to hit the field. Alex realizes this – he realizes that he came here, back to Crestmont for the primary purpose of seeing Charlie. For this. Not to talk about Jacob, or Bryce, or anything of that sort. He came here to see Charlie, to support him.</p><p> </p><p>So he exhales sharply, clearing his mind as the cheers erupt in the stadium.</p><p> </p><p>“Give it up for our Liberty Tigers!” The announcer roars, as a dozen football players enter the field, clad in Liberty jerseys and football gear. Their helmets are on, but Alex can recognize Charlie from a mile away. Plus, the jersey clearly says ‘St. George’ on the back. Alex is excited. He’s thrilled, seeing Charlie again, like this in person, after over a month. Sure, it’s nice to facetime him, at least they can see each other’s faces, but it’s not the same. And lowkey, Alex thinks that football gear makes him even hotter and manlier.</p><p> </p><p>But then Charlie turns around, and Alex gets the chance to really see his face. There’s no way Charlie can see him from so far away, with so many faces in the stadium – but Alex can see him clearly.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks distressed.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex’s heart sinks when he hears what one of Charlie’s teammates says to him. </p><p> </p><p>“You better not ruin this game for us, you faggot.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Faggot. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>That’s a word Alex hasn’t heard in a long while. It’s a word he’s long feared, one he’s hoped he would never have to hear, face, or deal with. It’s something Alex knows he’s privileged, fortunate, just because he doesn’t look visibly gay, that he can pass for straight if he wants to – that he wouldn’t have to deal with it.</p><p> </p><p>He knows all this, and yet it doesn’t change anything.That word hurts him through and through.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is staring at the jocks with cold, hard eyes, trying to process the hurt and shock at what was just said to Charlie. He still can’t believe it—his chest aches when he sees Charlie grimace back in return silently and wordlessly. </p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” Zach says, worried eyes resting on him. </p><p> </p><p>“What?” Alex hisses back. </p><p> </p><p>Zach looks taken aback, but he doesn’t relent. He shakes his head, hesitating a little before resting a hand on Alex’s knee reassuringly. “Look, I get it, I get.”</p><p> </p><p>But Alex brushes Zach’s hand away, hands balling into fists. Zach is talking again, saying something – but Alex isn’t processing any of it, isn’t listening to or hearing any of it. No, his attention is solely on what’s happening on the field, right here, right now.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey man, just mind your own business and play the game,” Charlie says back, holding his hands up in peace. </p><p> </p><p>His teammate scoffs, shoving Charlie back a step. “Yeah right, how did they make a little sissy like you our quarterback,” he continues, venom dripping from every word. He proceeds to bro-fist another one of his teammates in the chest. </p><p> </p><p>Alex winces when he sees two more of Charlie’s teammates laugh at that. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey guys, just back off and play the damn game,” another teammate asserts, moving to stand in between Charlie and his aggressors. “Seriously. This isn’t the place to do it.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie says nothing, merely walking back a few steps, a hand against his football gear's collar. He looks upset, and Alex feels guilty that he isn’t down there, right now, hugging Charlie, telling him that it’ll be okay. </p><p> </p><p>“Whatever,” the boys relent, moving to take their position on the field. “Luke was always the better quarterback. Better than some pretty boy faggot like St. George here.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex bites his lip, fighting back what feels like an insurmountable urge to scream at Charlie’s teammates. But he doesn’t. He knows it’s no good that it’s pointless to do so. That it’ll only draw unnecessary attention, unwanted attention. But part of him also doesn’t care. Alex gets up from the bleachers, steely gaze on the field, a touch of hurt hitting him when he sees Charlie shake his head, before donning his helmet.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex, calm down,” Zach says, wincing a little in pain when he accidentally puts too much pressure on his still-recovering knee.</p><p> </p><p>“How can I?” Alex shoots back, hands balled into fists, his lips a hard line. “Did you hear the shit they were saying?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, of course, I did,” Zach says, voice empathetic and calm. “Look, dude, I get it- but this is unfortunately how football teams are. Just put up with it.”</p><p> </p><p>“You would fucking know,” Alex mutters, angrily gazing back at Zach. “Seriously? And you never said anything? What the fuck, Zach.”</p><p> </p><p>Zach looks back at him with a defensive stance. It’s almost ironic and strange – Zach is twice as big as Alex, even with a busted knee. But this isn’t about physical size. Or anything of that sort – he knows Alex is right, even if it’s hard to face.</p><p> </p><p> “Look – before…” Zach hesitates. “Before Monty, this was basically the norm.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, guess what happened to him,” Alex says back bitterly. Words he didn’t expect to say out loud. Monty was a terrible person, yes – but even Alex didn’t think he deserved to die. Especially after Winston. And especially after Charlie – who Alex couldn’t bear to see like this. </p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Zach says, surprised, arching his eyebrows. “I… I don’t know what to say.”</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever,” Alex says back dismissively. </p><p> </p><p>They sit in awkward silence, Alex’s attention on the ensuing game half-hearted at best. Liberty’s teamwork is compromised – even Alex’s inexperienced eyes can see that. But luckily for them, their opposition is even worse, and they’re able to squeeze out a victory 3 hours in.</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs out in relief, letting his eyes fall on Charlie, who quickly retreats from the fields. </p><p> </p><p>“I’m going to find Charlie,” Alex says, glancing over at Zach.</p><p> </p><p>Zach looks at him apologetically. For a moment, he looks like he’s about to say something – then it all disappears. Zach just nods at him sympathetically, muttering out an ‘okay’, before standing up himself, and heading down to the field. </p><p> </p><p>“By the way, Alex,” Zach turns around. “Don’t get hurt, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Don’t get hurt? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares back at Zach intently. <em>Don’t get hurt</em>? He smiles ruefully at that – Zach knows him so, <em>so</em> well. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You played super well,” Alex murmurs, standing by the hood of his car when Charlie comes out. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie seems surprised by this, but nods in return and the two boys embrace in a warm, tight hug. It makes Alex jolt a little; the familiar warmth and glowing heat from Charlie’s touch are intoxicating. He misses this a <em>lot</em>. In spite of everything, he’s happy he gets to see Charlie again. </p><p> </p><p>“Not really,” Charlie finally says, the slightest tremor in his voice. “We barely won.”</p><p> </p><p>“No! No, not at all,” Alex says reassuringly, tightly squeezing Charlie’s hand. It’s big, it’s slightly warm, and it makes him feel at home again. “You played super well. You’re a great quarterback.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex tries to make that sound encouraging, but he can see that Charlie himself isn’t so sure he believes that. The first thing he thinks of is how Charlie’s teammates were such dicks, comparing him to Holliday. Alex acknowledges this silently at a loss of words.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” Charlie whispers, pulling Alex into the obscurity of the dark parking lot, pressing his lips against Alex’s. Charlie had just showered, but there’s still a slight taste of salt and sweat on his lips – nothing Alex is too bothered by. It makes his stomach growl a little with desire, but he holds it at bay.</p><p> </p><p>They have time later. </p><p> </p><p>So Alex just settles for melting away in the kiss, placing one hand against Charlie’s face, and another behind his back to hold him closer. It’s warm, it’s electric, it’s fire. And at this moment, Alex feels like this time, he can be the one protecting Charlie from the world.</p><p> </p><p>How the tables turn.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Charlie finally says, exhaling. “I miss that a lot,” he giggles a little, and Alex feels relieved when Charlie smiles a little.</p><p> </p><p>For a moment, he wants to say something about what happened on the field. He wants to tell Charlie that it’s okay that his teammates are a bunch of dicks, that nothing else matters, but the fact that they have each other here. But he can’t. It’s not his story to bring up, and he clearly sees that Charlie doesn’t want to talk about it yet.</p><p> </p><p>Alex thinks back to their phone calls, how Charlie seemed so hesitant to talk in-depth about his teammates. How Charlie always seemed to just smile, saying that they would do well this year, how he liked his teammates. </p><p> </p><p>Alex understands all of it now. </p><p> </p><p>So he doesn’t press it. </p><p> </p><p>Suddenly, Alex’s phone buzzes. Breaking their kiss with a quick ‘sorry’, Alex reaches into his pocket, eyeing the screen to see Zach’s message.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> (Just now) Zach Dempsey: His teammates are still in the locker room, by the way </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Perfect. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Everything okay?” Charlie asks, raising an eyebrow in concern when Alex’s face darkens. He doesn’t see what’s on the screen – and not that he should, of course. But Alex’s face must give it away.</p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah,” Alex nods. “I just left something with Zach, can you wait here a bit?”</p><p> </p><p>“Of course,” Charlie nods back. “He came to check on me after the game. Told me you were worried about me, or something,” Charlie’s wearing a manufactured smile, and Alex can see right through it. Alex is grateful that Zach didn’t say anything beyond that.</p><p> </p><p>“Though I’m not sure why you’re worried,” Charlie continues, slow and steady.</p><p> </p><p>“I worry about you,” Alex responds, neutral. “That’s what boyfriends do.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie just shakes his head adorably at that. Alex feels a blush creep across his cheek when Charlie closes the distance again to press a quick, chaste kiss against his lips. It makes his head swim a little, and he has to remind himself of what he still has to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, go get your stuff,” Charlie says, laughing when Alex lets go.</p><p> </p><p>The halls of the familiar high school are an unwelcome reminder of all the shit and drama that’s gone down. If it weren’t for Charlie, this is the last place Alex wants to go back to. He grits his teeth, tracing familiar footsteps down to the boy’s locker room. A part of him remembers a time long-gone. When Hannah barged in to admonish him for what he did to her. Alex sighs, regret filling every vein, every part of him. He couldn’t do Hannah justice. She was right, and he was wrong. He knows this. But at least, he can try to do Charlie justice.</p><p> </p><p><em> His  </em>way.</p><p> </p><p>Exhaling, he pushes open the door and sees Zach waiting. He nods silently at him, cocking his head towards the interior of the room where Charlie’s teammates are.</p><p> </p><p>Alex zeroes in on the one who called Charlie the worst things, eyes widening in anger when he sees the boy let out a laugh that’s too reminiscent of Monty when he was still alive. Alex grits his teeth, muscles tensing when Charlie’s teammate’s eyes lock on his own. </p><p> </p><p>There’s no way this boy knows who Alex is.</p><p> </p><p>“Who the fuck are you?” He says, apparently quite confident in his case. </p><p> </p><p>Alex scans the boy’s physique. He’s well-built, that’s a given for a football player. He’s well-built, but Alex can see he’s not a fighter. Alex knows this; after months of training with Tony, he knows this. He can see it, he can feel it. After fighting someone like Monty to the point of being beaten badly, this boy is nothing to him.</p><p> </p><p><em> Nothing </em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Stay the fuck away from Charlie,” Alex hisses, gritting his teeth. </p><p> </p><p>The football player lets out a dry laugh, humorless and dark. “You mean our faggot of a quarterback?” He says crassly.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t say anything, only wincing in pain when he hears those words. It only serves to make him even angrier, and he feels the snap coming. Anger control has never been one of his strong points, but it’s also a deadly weapon and intends to fully use it.</p><p> </p><p>“Wait,” Charlie’s teammate suddenly pauses. “Are you two like, fucking?” </p><p> </p><p>“Don’t.”</p><p> </p><p>“Pretty boy can’t handle the real guys, so he sends his little bitch to handle it,” he continues, unrelenting. </p><p> </p><p>“Stop."</p><p> </p><p>“So who tops? Clearly, not him, since he’s such a fucking pussy,” the football player adds, clapping at his own quip. But this time, no one says anything. Their eyes are all on Alex and Zach. "Faggot probably takes it up the ass all day."</p><p> </p><p>For a moment, Alex is grateful that Zach’s here. Most of the boys here still know him – he was their team captain last year, and although there are many new faces, Zach’s face itself isn’t new to them. He’s a voice of authority through and through.</p><p> </p><p>“Bet you he can’t even-“</p><p> </p><p>Something about this causes Alex to snap. He takes a step forward, and the inhibition is gone, making his way across the room, and violently shoving the football player against the lockers. Alex’s gaze is steely focused on the boy in front of him. He exhales sharply, taking off his jacket. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s teammate says nothing back to him. His gaze is just as piercing, and it makes Alex feel a twisted sense of satisfaction at this.</p><p> </p><p>And then, he lunges for Alex. </p><p> </p><p>It’s Alex that lands a punishing blow to Charlie’s teammate. Alex takes a step back, the adrenaline beginning to subside as the pain in his knuckles starts to surface. He takes a brief glance at his fists, noticing blood and what will certainly be bruises in a day or two.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t care.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks across the room, steely eyes resting on Charlie’s teammate, who’s stumbling, covering his nose with his hand to prevent more blood from dripping onto the floor.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not a pretty scene. But to Alex, this is justice. </p><p> </p><p>“Had enough?” Alex says confidently, the heat circulating through his system like fire, itching for more. “I thought so. So stay the fuck away from him,” he says smugly.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey!” A voice thunders from behind them. Alex turns around, his eyes resting on coach Kerba. Alex doesn’t say anything, instead of resting his eyes in righteous fury on the coach, who takes hurried steps into the locker room. “What the hell is happening here?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares at him with unimpressed eyes, retracing his path to leave the room. But not before he turns around and coldly says, “Teaching your boys to be decent people," he says curtly. "And to not fuck with people I care about." </p><p> </p><p>Kerba doesn’t say anything back to him, which Alex admits, comes as a surprise - but he does notice a modicum of understanding in the coach's face. But he’s certainly not going to complain. He nods at Zach on his way out, and Zach follows him out of the room. There's silence behind him - like everyone is stunned by what just transpired. It's a welcome surprise to Alex, although he also attributes this to Zach being there. Zach, the voice of authority, face of the Liberty Tigers. He looks warmly at his friend, smiling contently at this. </p><p> </p><p>When he and Zach are alone, Alex makes sure to thank Zach again for being there. But it’s not even like he has to – Zach understands him, and Alex understands Zach. It’s an unspoken brotherhood. Although Zach was once his unattainable, heterosexual crush, it’s all replaced with the same, strong, platonic love. He’s glad Zach is here.</p><p> </p><p>Zach warmly pats him on the back before heading off himself. </p><p> </p><p>When Charlie calls, Alex already knows what to say.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Hey, just checking to make sure you’re okay. Have what you need?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, sorry, I just got held up a little. I’ll be right there.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> Chapter 7 Teaser </span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Seriously?” Charlie says, laughing. “Your idea of a date is to get tested together?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “And then I’ll take you out for dinner, and then we’ll walk by the piers,” Alex corrects him, raising a finger in protest. “Besides, I think after Friday it’d be nice to do away with the condoms.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> He blushes a little when he says this, and he knows he’s damn bad at hiding it because Charlie’s kissing him again.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Okay, I agree,” Charlie purrs, winking when he sees Alex staring at his crotch.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Horny little bastard.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Says you.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> They both share a light chuckle at that, lips touching once more. There isn’t much space in the car, so it definitely feels a little uncomfortable to have to lunge over, but they manage. Alex grimaces a little when Charlie pushes a little too hard, and Alex loses balance, and his knuckles brush against the hard plastic in the car. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Oh shit, sorry,” says Charlie, who rests his eyes on Alex’s bruised knuckles. His face darkens suddenly, and Alex defensively covers up his fists. “Are you okay?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Y-yeah, it’s nothing,” Alex stammers, forcing a quick smile. “Just some sparring sessions gone wrong.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Really, Alex, when would you have the time to spar with Tony at Berkeley?” Charlie raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> That was an awful excuse, and Alex knows that. He feels stupid for even trying it in the first place. Alex is about to say something, but he doesn’t get that far. Charlie is gently massaging his knuckles, worried blue eyes holding his own.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Be careful, okay?” Charlie says empathetically. “I don’t want to see you get hurt.” </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Alex just nods at that.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “Jess called earlier, by the way,” Charlie suddenly says.  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> Alex’s heart skips a beat. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em> “I didn’t say anything, but you should probably let me know what’s happening, okay?” </em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Crestmont Sundays</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex's first Sunday back at home, where he gets to spend time with the ones he loves.</p><p>It's a relief, being away from all the shit at Berkeley. But Alex isn't sure he can really get away from all of it forever.</p><p>Still - it's nice to see his parents, Charlie, everything.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey guys, here's Chapter 7. Slow Burn will come to an end for this part in a few chapters so be on the lookout for some dramatic changes ^^ Still trying to get these chapters out a little faster. </p><p>Features a masturbation scene at the start - just a heads up in case it's not your cup of tea.</p><p>Special thanks to syazzypanda for helping me beta this!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.”</em>
</p><p>- <strong>Thomas Fuller</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <strong> <span class="u">S</span><span class="u">unday, September 29<sup>th</sup>, 2019</span></strong>
</h3><p>It’s a little past 8 when Alex wakes up, which is actually early, considering it’s a weekend. He hears birds chirping outside, sounds that would always keep him awake late at night when his sleep schedule was wonky and all over the place. Now they’re a friendly welcome and a gentle push to wake up and get on with the rest of the day.</p><p> </p><p>He’s in his room, the familiar bed sheets, blankets, warmth, everything. It’s a stark contrast to his dorm in UC Berkeley, where the AC is always set a little too high, the temperature just a bit too cold. He has this room alone to himself, as well – unlike at college, where he shares it with Jacob. Alex never thought too severely of having to share a place. It’s not the sharing part he’s awkward with, it’s dealing with the whole Jacob and Jessica situation.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, he pushes aside his blankets, sitting up and rubbing his eyes groggily. He hears Charlie’s voice somewhere in his memories, telling him, “don’t rub your eyes, it’s bad for them,” sweetly smiling, gently dragging his hands away from his face. Cute things like that, Alex thinks to himself. And so, he stops prematurely, settling for blinking rapidly to try to get the morning daze out. He grimaces a little when he puts too much pressure against his fists, reeling in discomfort from the bruises that have developed where he punched Charlie’s teammate too hard.</p><p> </p><p>But he relents, and the pain subsides.</p><p> </p><p>Alex checks his phone, just the usual morning routine, but stops when he sees a Snapchat from Charlie. Alex is alone in his room, of course, so he knows there’s no harm in opening it up – as he predicts it’s more risqué than your usual run of the mill snapchats.</p><p> </p><p>He’s right about that.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie sent him a dick pic, cheekily captioned with “<em>Here’s my ‘big dick’ for you, babe.”</em></p><p>
  
</p><p><em>Fucking Charlie</em>, Alex grins stupidly to himself, blushing hard, stomach heavy with desire. It’s only been two days since they had sex, and he’s planning on having both of them get tested today – although he hasn’t told Charlie that yet. But two days, one day, or whatever doesn’t matter – Charlie is a welcome sight for the eyes whenever.</p><p> </p><p>And this is no exception.</p><p> </p><p>It’s at this point Alex realizes he’s hard. It’s nothing <em>unusual</em>, per se – just guy things in the morning. Charlie sending him that dick pic just makes him hornier. He’s woken up like this next to Charlie on more than one occasion. They never did anything about it, besides the teasing comments here and there.</p><p> </p><p>Although right now, he kind of wishes Charlie was here too. Especially after Friday night’s slightly embarrassing moment. Pushing it aside, Alex settles for lying down on the bed again, exhaling as he lets a hand find its way under the waistband of his underwear. He lets out a breathy sigh, clearing his mind, and focusing on Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets another hand trail down his exposed chest and torso, breath speeding up when his fingers wrap around his needy cock, hard with desire. Just envisioning Charlie next to him, on top of him, naked was enough to fan the flames of Alex’s desires. It would be nice if Charlie were here, helping him out with the usual “business,” but for now, his hand will suffice. Alex imagines Charlie’s hands (something he’s very well known for) skimming over his chest, holding them tightly while their lips crashed against one another in a warm, sweet embrace. Alex sucks in a robust and needy breath amidst the swell of pleasure surging through his body, shuddering at the feeling of his fingers around the hot skin of his cock.</p><p> </p><p>As he started jerking off, Alex closes his eyes, and behind darkness sees Charlie being the one to touch him this way. He’s kissing Charlie in his fantasies, their lips together, arms around one another, needy hard-ons pressed into one another. He’s giggling a little in this fantasy – something that’s barely audible since Charlie’s mouth is on his, hot, breathy, steamy, needing and aching for more. His breathing slows down again for a moment, as he gets into the rhythm and feel of everything. In his mind, the playback continues, and he imagines Charlie going down on him, giving him those <em>damn good</em> puppy eyes as his lips cover his cock in kisses and wet warmth. Alex lets out a weighty moan, gasping when Charlie begins sucking him off, working with fervor and aptitude. <em>He’s gotten better</em>, Alex chuckles to himself, compared to the first time they had sex.</p><p> </p><p>Nothing surprising – it was their first time on the giving end of a blowjob, Alex realizes.</p><p> </p><p>The scene changes again, and this time Charlie is riding him, wincing as he’s trying to get used to the feeling of Alex’s cock filling him up. Alex groans again, the cascading warmth of Charlie on top of him, of being inside Charlie almost unbearable. Involuntarily, Alex picks up the pace, his hand working at a fast rhythm, bring him closer and closer to the edge.</p><p> </p><p>He’s close; he’s so very close.</p><p> </p><p>His heart rate is rising again, his skin slightly clammy from the adrenaline coursing through his veins, breathing short, shallow, and needy. In his mind, he imagines the two of them, rocking against one another, in perfect sync, perfect movements. Charlie is moving with each of Alex’s thrusts, Alex’s arms wounded tightly around Charlie’s larger, athletic frame. A mess of sweaty bodies, hot with pleasure. Alex has his face buried in Charlie’s chest, cursing in pleasure as he’s getting closer and closer to the brink of no return. Alex stops for a moment to imagine himself, looking up at his boyfriend, their eyes meeting; blue pools holding his own. Charlie’s pupils are so dilated, his gaze piercing with pleasure amidst a mess of incoherent noises.</p><p> </p><p>It’s almost too much.</p><p> </p><p>He imagines Charlie screaming out his own name with pleasure, finishing as he arches his back, gripping Alex’s sweaty frame tightly, shaking as his come splatters onto Alex’s chest, his own, wherever.</p><p> </p><p><em>Fuck</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex comes with a soft cry, gripping the bedsheet with his other free hand.</p><p> </p><p>His heartbeat begins to slow down again, his breaths becoming more apparent, less shallow. <em>It should have gone that way</em>, Alex thinks ruefully to himself, staring sadly at his hand, wet and drenched with come, disappointed that his fantasies weren’t reality. He’s sad that Charlie isn’t really next to him, cuddling him and telling him sleepily to “come lie down with me for a bit.” Of course, Alex would have said yes, and they could spend the rest of the day here, in bliss.</p><p> </p><p>But they can’t. Charlie has a shift at the Crestmont, and Alex needs to go back to Berkeley tonight. They can’t do this right now. But they still have the rest of the day planned out – or at least, Alex does.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, Alex cleans himself up, throws on a pair of shorts and t-shirt, and strolls into the washroom to get on with the rest of the morning.</p><p> </p><p>He takes a moment to glance at the reflection in the mirror. The boy who stared back was handsome, Alex could admit that to himself. A little thin, perhaps, but nothing to be ashamed of. There were days in the past when Alex felt embarrassed by it. Days of steroid use, days of frustration, of anger. He lets out a sigh. There are days where his left side has a flare-up. Where it suddenly feels a little weaker, like he doesn’t have full control of it sometimes. It’s not something he likes to think of too much; it’s a dark chapter he wants to forget. But it’s difficult for him, every time he walks into this washroom. This is where it happened, after all.</p><p> </p><p>He knows this because his father stopped using this washroom from that fateful day onwards.  </p><p> </p><p>Closing his eyes, Alex reaches out towards <em>that</em> wall. Like tracing familiar steps, his fingertips lead without fail to that fateful spot. Gasping, his eyes flutter open fingertips grazing the deformed hole in the wall. It’s small, it’s <em>barely</em> there. But Alex can still feel it. There’s a little sticker covering that hole. Something he was certain his mom put in place, claiming that she didn’t like seeing the hole in the wall.</p><p> </p><p>Alex knows that’s not even half the reason why it’s there.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a shaky breath, feeling his heartbeat rise again, involuntary, and uncontrolled. Reluctantly, he peels away the cover and shakes his head. It hasn’t gone away. There’s a dark, reddish stain there. Alex knows this. It’ll never wash away, like a dark reminder of the past he wants so desperately to be able to eventually outrun.</p><p> </p><p><em>Damn it, Alex</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He sighs, wincing in slight discomfort as he covers up the hole again, gets on with his morning routine; the boy in the reflection of the mirror imitating his every action without fail.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“Got everything you need to bring back to Berkeley?” Carolyn asks, pacing around the kitchen where a soft, sizzling sound can be heard throughout the house. Alex nods at that, the scent of bacon cooking whetting his appetite. One thing he misses for sure at home is this – the taste and feeling of home cooking, of his own mother’s cooking.</p><p> </p><p>It’s something dorm food can’t ever compete with, however well it’s prepared – not that it’s even well prepared at all.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh yeah,” Alex responds nonchalantly, strolling into the kitchen space. “Dad’s already out? I thought he doesn’t work Sundays.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, he had to go down to the station early,” Carolyn replies. “They just needed him for something, he didn’t look too concerned. Should be back soon.”</p><p> </p><p>“Mmk,” Alex nods back at that, fetching himself a glass of water. It’s only been a month of being away from home, but it feels like a lifetime, somehow. It’s not that he <em>hates </em>it at Berkeley, per se. It’s just that it all feels so different. It’s a little disconcerting to be in Unit 1, where there’s barely any space, where everything is shared.</p><p> </p><p>It’s nice to be home, no matter how he looks at it.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, breakfast is ready,” Carolyn says warmly, setting aside three plates, and filling each of them with a hearty serving of eggs, bacon, and toast. The scent of it alone is enough to make Alex’s mouth water. Unit 1’s eggs are always overcooked, a less-than-appetizing scrambled mess of yellow. But these are perfectly done.</p><p> </p><p>Smiling contently, he pulls a seat by the countertop and sits down. Breakfast has never been too formal for them, so they’re content with not using the larger dinner table. It’s only when all four of them are here that they have to use the table. But ever since Peter went off to college and both boys living increasingly complex lives, that hasn’t happened much.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Alex says, covering his mouth as he shoves a forkful of eggs in. “This tastes amazing, mom.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you could have had them yesterday too, if you didn’t sleep in at Charlie’s,” she says back, playfully winking.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure, I guess,” Alex rolls his eyes, clearing his throat as he takes another sip of water.</p><p> </p><p>“How is he, by the way?” Carolyn asks, warm eyes holding Alex’s own.</p><p> </p><p>Alex thinks of mentioning the football team – of mentioning everything that’s gone down at Liberty High. But he hasn’t talked to Charlie about that yet, even if he’s already taken measures into his own hands. He hesitates a little, grimacing when he brushes a hand over the knuckles of his right hand. There’s definitely some bruising there now. The blood has washed off, as it should, but the aftermath, the evidence is there. “He’s okay,” Alex says, neutral. “Being captain and quarterback of the football team means everyone respects you, right?” He lies, biting his tongue at how much he wishes this could’ve been the fucking truth and not some fantasy. “Even if Liberty High is super fucked up,” he mutters.</p><p> </p><p>“Language,” Carolyn says sternly, before putting a sympathetic hand on Alex’s arm. “I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that – and I meant, how are <em>he</em> and <em>you</em> doing, considering you don’t get to see each other much anymore.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex is taken aback for a moment, and he really knows he shouldn’t. Carolyn’s always been the one keeping tabs on their relationship. Nothing stalker-ish or looking over your shoulder-esque, but caring. Sometimes, Alex found it annoying, especially when he got to see Charlie so many times over the week in the summer anyway, whether it was baking together, chatting at Monet’s, or the occasional dinner or movie date. Simple things like that.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s a little different now – because he doesn’t get to see Charlie – or his family – whenever he wants. “It’s going well,” Alex nods. “I still get to call and facetime him regularly, you know.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, actually, we don’t,” Carolyn chuckles. “We only get a phone call once a week from you.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s true,” Alex mutters, twisting his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, it’s better than not hearing from you at all, Peter calls us like once a month, you know!” she says, before heading over to the front door at the sound of approaching footsteps. Bill is home. The door opens, and Alex spins around to see his father walk in, chuckling when he hears the warm greetings and the hugs that come right after.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey dad,” he greets, raising a hand.</p><p> </p><p>Bill walks in, clad in his police gear. To be honest, Alex has always envisioned his own father this way. Not that Bill isn’t a good father – the opposite of that, actually – it’s just that with his dad’s schedule, Alex has seen him in police gear more than in plainclothes at this point. Bill has always been someone Alex can confide in, trust. He’s glad to see his dad home.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey buddy,” Bill nods back, before kissing his wife. “Ready to head back to Berkeley?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex scoffs, shoving another forkful of food into his mouth. “Seriously? Are you and mom just trying to send me back as soon as you can?” He chides playfully, an incredulous look on his face.</p><p> </p><p>Bill smirks at that. “No, just making sure you won’t forget anything, and won’t be late,” he lets out a groan, taking off his boots, walking into the kitchen space to sit down by the untouched plate of food, covered to ensure it stays warm and free of any potential flies.</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t be, dad,” Alex shrugs. “Charlie’s driving me back tonight.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, is that so?” Bill raises an eyebrow. “He’s a good lad. Tell him I said hi.”</p><p> </p><p>“A-actually, we’re going on a date before he drives me back,” Alex continues, clearing his throat. “I’m not joining you for dinner.”</p><p> </p><p>Bill and Carolyn trade glances at that but seems otherwise unconcerned. Alex is grateful for that – as the years go by, he’s regaining their trust more and more. Not that he explicitly violated it ever – besides that time, they found him on the bathroom floor. He acknowledges this painfully – knowing it’s a good reason why Bill for so long asked him to keep his door open, for Carolyn to stay home as much as possible to keep an eye on him. If anything, that’s what he regrets the most. Hurting them. Seeing them cry when he finally woke up at the hospital.</p><p> </p><p>It’s kept him going for this long.</p><p> </p><p>But they were okay with sending him away to Berkeley. They’ll be okay with him seeing Charlie again.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay buddy, not a problem,” Bill nods. “How’s school? Your roommate treating you well?”</p><p> </p><p><em>Damn</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Of course, how could Alex <em>not</em> expect his dad to ask that? It’s like the most mundane question ever. How’s school? How’s your roommate? What’s it like getting used to it? All that good stuff everyone, parents included, ask you when you come home from college for the weekend or holiday. Alex was expecting that; how could he not? Alex pauses for a moment, letting his eyes sweep across the background to Carolyn, then to Bill. They’re both smiling, wearing pleasant expressions – nothing outlandish.</p><p> </p><p>Alex knows he has to answer.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, it’s going okay. Just your typical first-year stuff,” he says, nodding as he takes another sip of water. “It shouldn’t be too hard.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, a lot of first-year courses tend to weed people out now, don’t they?” Carolyn asks, gently rubbing Alex’s arm, eliciting a ‘mom, please,” from Alex. Rolling her eyes, she lets go, picking up her empty plate with her.</p><p> </p><p>“You and Peter are the first generation Standalls to go to college,” Bill nods. “So there’s kind of a lot we don’t know yet.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I guess,” Alex acknowledges that. “It’s… different, in a way?” He says, trying to stall to find the right words, waiting for them to come to mind.</p><p> </p><p>“How’s that?” Bill quirks an eyebrow. “You mean from high school? Well, that’s to be expected, I guess.”</p><p> </p><p>He and Carolyn trade glances again, and Alex notices a touch of worry this time plastered on their faces. He can’t quite discern it, but he knows it’s there. Alex opens his mouth, about to say something – but Carolyn beats him to it again.</p><p> </p><p> “We’re just… worried, you know, about you being away from home,” Carolyn admits, hands on her lap as she pulls up a seat again. Her eyes are wide, pleading, and sympathetic. Eyes that Alex can’t say no to, can’t bear to hurt. “It’s just – we want to make sure you’re okay, that your mental state is in good shape at Berkeley.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Mental state? That’s rich.</em> Alex ruefully acknowledges this. He knows his parents just want the best for him. After everything that’s gone down in Crestmont, how could they not? He looks back at them, and for a moment, he’s certain Carolyn’s about to cry.</p><p> </p><p> “I’m good guys,” he says, defensive and sure. “Really- I am, I just… I just… I’m not used to being away from home. I miss it,” he admits, his breath hitching a little when he says that.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, you’ll always have a home here, Alex,” says Bill, tapping him on the arm, followed by a warm hug from Carolyn.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t say anything back but nods contently at this. Yes, he would always have a home here. That’s something he can be sure of. The Standalls are still relatively new to this neighborhood, only coming a few years back. But this neighborhood, this house, is what he envisions his home as now. That’s something he knows will never forsake him.</p><p> </p><p>“You still didn’t answer my other question, though,” Bill suddenly says. His tone isn’t accusatory – it’s just said very matter-of-factly.</p><p> </p><p>“Huh?” Alex raises an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>“What’s your roommate like?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares back at his parents, mouth slightly agape, struggling to find words. There are things you always just keep from your parents, no matter what happens. Things you deem your personal privacy, things you feel aren’t appropriate to be shared. Jacob shouldn’t be one of them. But he doesn’t want to talk about that in front of them, especially Bill. He doesn’t want another reminder of Bryce in this household, where he and his father still share a dark secret Carolyn knows nothing about. He still hadn’t thought of the best way to answer this. But he tries anyway.</p><p> </p><p>“He… <em>Jacob</em> is um… okay, I guess.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s almost 3 when Alex pulls up in the parking lot at The Crestmont. He knows Charlie’s shift ends around this time. Alex has a lot of fond memories of this place, always seeing the best movies with the Liberty crew, then later just him and Charlie, several times over the summer. Charlie works here, so they always got a really sweet discount, even if it was really only supposed to be Charlie-eligible only. But his boyfriend, being sweet and savvy, would always just hush Alex, pressing kisses against his lips as they would stroll into the auditorium, popcorn in hand, excited for whatever was to come.</p><p> </p><p>Alex has lost count of how many movies he’s seen here. It’s not Crestmont’s only theatre, but with a name like <em>The Crestmont</em>, you can sure as hell bet this is where most people go. It’s usually busy, and Alex was hard-pressed to fit time in his and Charlie’s schedule to meet him here when it wasn’t too busy over the summer. Now it’s different. It’s almost 3 PM on a Sunday, which is early, even if it is a weekend. Charlie had opted for daytime shifts on the weekend, so he had the evening to himself. Clearing his throat, Alex adjusts the collar of his dress shirt, sprays a few pumps of cologne, and strolls into the theatre, smiles ready.</p><p> </p><p>Almost unsurprisingly, Charlie’s already waiting for him when he appears, changed out of his Crestmont uniform (which Alex actually finds cute), and in nice, preppy clothes , wide-eyed and giggly. Alex has always appreciated Charlie's fashion sense. It isn't Winston tier level, but he's well-dressed. Alex even remembers commenting once that Charlie "looks rich", whatever the hell that even means - at the 'Find your Drink' party way back when. </p><p> </p><p>“Hey cutie,” Charlie greets, excitedly pouncing forward to hug Alex.</p><p> </p><p>“Woah, chill there,” Alex says back, offering a slight grin, and Alex wonders if there’s anyone else there, watching them. It’s not embarrassing, by any means, but he’s not entirely comfortable with these grandiose displays of public affection, which Charlie has always loved to do.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, you do smell good,” Charlie titters, burying his face in the crook of Alex’s neck. “I love that.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex wrinkles his nose at that. “Damn, is the cologne that obvious,” he says, embarrassed.</p><p> </p><p>“Could’ve fooled me,” Charlie says reassuringly, and Alex blushes a little when Charlie flashes a set of perfectly shiny teeth at him. Charlie’s damn smile. That’s something he’ll never get sick of seeing. “You smell like, a perfect blend of musk, vetiver, vanilla… and I think tobacco?” Charlie rambles, shooting him a Cheshire smile as he tugs against Alex’s frame a little.</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t even know what half of those ingredients are,” Alex furrows his brows. “But, I guess you sure know your colognes.”</p><p> </p><p>“I made up half of them based on my knowledge of what’s in most colognes, actually,” Charlie admits, giggling as he drags Alex excitedly towards the booth, where the scent of freshly popped popcorn envelops his senses.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks back in mild confusion, “Aren’t we like, about to leave?”</p><p> </p><p>“Maybe,” Charlie cocks his head. “But no one’s here. The next movie doesn’t start for another 2 hours,” he chimes, filling up a rather large bag with popcorn, before drizzling what Alex thinks is a rather generous serving of butter. It doesn’t smell amazing – but Alex would be lying if he said that buttery popcorn doesn't taste like heaven, if only it weren't so goddamn expensive. Alex chuckles a little to himself, remembering that because of Charlie, he's always gotten a discount, while the rest of his friends have to pay the exuberant prices. </p><p> </p><p>“Are you sure you’re allowed to do that?” Alex chuckles, stealing a kernel when Charlie puts the bag down by the booth countertop. “Isn’t this like, stealing?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie just rolls his eyes. “They let us take home a bag of popcorn,” he murmurs. “Though only the smallest size.”</p><p> </p><p>“And this is the ‘small’ size?” Alex says incredulously, eyeing the bag.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Charlie chuckles, before pressing a kiss against Alex’s lips. It tastes slightly of butter – but Alex can ignore it. It’s Charlie kissing him after all.</p><p> </p><p>“Yikes, you better not get fired,” he chides.</p><p> </p><p>“I won’t,” Charlie winks at him, before closing down the booth behind him, ushering Alex out of the theatre, and locking the doors behind him. It’s a little warmer now, the warm rays of sunshine piercing through the increasingly cool autumn breeze of late September. It’s such a beautiful day, Alex is glad he gets to spend it with Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Even if he’s going back to Berkeley tonight.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie holds out a hand, and Alex rolls his eyes when he sees that. “Really? My car’s like a minute walk from here.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie shrugs at that. “Okay… so, you get to hold my hand for a minute,” he beams. “Or unless you don’t want to,” he continues, feigning hurt and sadness at that. Alex just rolls his eyes, suppressing a giggle and conceding defeat.</p><p><br/>“Fine, fine, I’ll hold your hand Charles,” he chuckles.</p><p> </p><p>“Attaboy!”</p><p> </p><p>“The stuff I do for you,” Alex shakes his head, and Charlie presses a warm kiss against his lips again. It’s not too passionate, it’s chaste but heartwarming all the same. It makes Alex’s chest tighten a little with warmth and desire, but he holds it at bay. In all honestly, it felt nice.</p><p> </p><p>“Since when is holding my hand a chore?” Charlie didn’t seem too convinced but stifles another laugh as Alex begins to take steps towards the car.</p><p> </p><p>“It isn’t,” Alex says, sincere. “It’s really nice. You have nice, large hands,” Alex thinks back to Justin’s description of Charlie. How ‘Charlie is super known for his hands’. He never really understood what that meant, chalking it up to something sexual. Well, now he knows.</p><p> </p><p>“Well- you know what they say about guys with big hands,” Charlie chuckles, and Alex scoffs at the rather crassness of that joke.</p><p> </p><p>“Yes, yes, they have big dicks,” Alex answers for him, suppressing what must be a creeping blush. It doesn’t help that Charlie winks back at him and points at his phone screen. Alex realizes Charlie’s talking about that <em>damn</em> dick pic he sent while Alex was still asleep. “Real mature St. George,” says Alex, bemused. Charlie would be the death of him, he swears, double-tapping the unlock button on his car keys. “But – you are no exception to that rule, so…” Alex smirks, stepping closer to tug at the collar of Charlie’s shirt teasingly.</p><p> </p><p>“And so… all is forgiven, right?” Charlie’s wearing a dumb-looking grin.</p><p> </p><p>“Man, just get in the car already.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s closer to 4 when they pull up at the clinic. Alex briefly went over what he had in mind for the rest of the day before going back to Berkeley. He had wanted it to be a surprise – but he now realizes that getting tested together isn’t just some run of the mill activity or some surprise date idea. He probably should have said something earlier.</p><p> </p><p>But they’re already here now. Alex lets out a nervous laugh before explaining himself in a high-key embarrassed manner. “Yeah, we’re getting tested,” he says. Alex blinks rapidly when he realizes what he just said, and what the potential implications Charlie could conclude with. “N-n-not because like I cheated or anything! Or like because –“</p><p> </p><p>Charlie just shakes his head, struggling to suppress what must be hearty laughter. “Oh no, I’m not concerned about that,” he grins.</p><p> </p><p>“Um… okay, then what?”</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously?” Charlie says, laughing. “Your idea of a date is to get tested together?”</p><p> </p><p>“And then I’ll take you out for dinner, and then we’ll walk by the piers,” Alex corrects him, raising a finger in protest. “Besides, I think after Friday night, it’d be nice to do away with the condoms.”</p><p> </p><p>He blushes a little when he says this, and he knows he’s damn bad at hiding it because Charlie’s kissing him again.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, I agree,” Charlie purrs, winking when he sees Alex staring at his crotch.</p><p> </p><p>“Horny little bastard.”</p><p> </p><p>“Says you.”</p><p> </p><p>They both share a light chuckle at that, lips touching once more. There isn’t much space in the car, so it definitely feels a little uncomfortable to have to lunge over, but they manage. Alex grimaces a little when Charlie pushes a little too hard, and Alex loses balance, and his knuckles brush against the hard plastic in the car.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh shit, sorry,” says Charlie, who rests his eyes on Alex’s bruised knuckles. His face darkens suddenly, and Alex defensively covers up his fists when Charlie tries to reach out to caress them. “Are you okay? What happened to your fists?” </p><p> </p><p>“Y-yeah, it’s nothing,” Alex stammers, forcing a quick smile. “Just some sparring sessions gone wrong.”</p><p> </p><p>“Really, Alex, when would you have the time to spar with Tony at Berkeley?” Charlie raises an eyebrow, unconvinced.</p><p> </p><p>That was an awful excuse, and Alex knows that. He feels stupid for even trying it in the first place. Alex is about to say something, but he doesn’t get that far. Charlie is gently massaging his knuckles, worried blue eyes holding his own.</p><p> </p><p>“Be careful, okay?” Charlie says empathetically. “I don’t want to see you get hurt- no matter why you do it, okay? I love you.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex just nods at that. He’s grateful that Charlie didn’t ask where those bruises come from. He doesn’t feel comfortable answering – even if it was just to defend Charlie’s dignity, even if his asshat of a football teammate deserved every punch.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie doesn’t need to see this side of him. Alex would like very much to keep that at bay – even if it threatens to surface sometimes.</p><p> </p><p>“Jess called earlier, by the way,” Charlie suddenly says.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s heart skips a beat.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t say anything, but you should probably let me know what’s happening, okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a frustrated sigh, resting an elbow against the rolled down the window of his car door, before resting his head against his arm. He doesn’t want to talk about it, not here, not yet. <em>Damn it, </em>he was hoping this wouldn’t happen. Texts from Jess, he could ignore – whatever. It’s not like they haven’t done that to each other on more than one occasion over the years. But <em>fuck</em>, ignoring Charlie is a lot harder, especially when his boyfriend is right here.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex?” Charlie sounds concerned, instinctively reaching out a hand.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I’m fine, I just… Can we talk about it later?” He says, raising his hands defensively so Charlie can’t touch him. He doesn’t mean for it to sound cold, or to be distant like this. He just needs to collect his thoughts and tell Charlie about this when he can, when he wants to.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks over with pleading eyes, sighing in relief when Charlie doesn’t press it, and simply nods with a quiet ‘okay,’ before gently squeezing his hand again, reassuring and warm.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” Alex murmurs. “You can head in and check us in for the appointment; I just gotta quickly grab something from my bag,” he says cocking his head towards the entrance of the clinic.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay, sounds good,” Charlie doesn’t sound suspicious at that, a neutral, pleasant expression as he gets out of the car, a brief look behind him before he strolls towards the doors of the clinic.</p><p> </p><p>When Alex is alone and is sure no one can see him, he pulls out his phone again, groaning as he taps the power button, and Jessica’s texts fill up the screen again.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(2 days ago) Jessica Davis: Alex, what the hell?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(2 days ago) Jessica Davis: Why are you suddenly avoiding me like the plague?</em>
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</p><p><em>Damn</em>.</p><p> </p><p>He types out an answer – almost sends it, but then deletes it. Deletes the next one too. He’s glad the enter button doesn’t send messages like his old phone did. That made things so much more problematic for him. It just skips a line, because <em>fuck</em>, if those messages had sent, he would be in so much shit, and not just with Jess, but probably with Jacob too.</p><p> </p><p>He sucks in a deep breath, clearing his mind, and minding his time. Charlie’s probably going to be checking on him soon if he doesn’t hurry.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(Just now) Alex Standall: We gotta talk</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex hastily shuts off his phone, and the screen goes black – like it was never there, at least for now. He curses under his breath when he realizes he’s taken too long – Charlie’s walking back towards the car. He looks confused, and a little worried, but relaxes his pose when his gaze meets Alex’s.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I’ll be right there!” Alex hollers, sticking his head out the car window, before unfastening his seat belt, and finally exiting the vehicle.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">Chapter 8 Teaser</span>
</p><p>
  <em>It’s well past dusk when Alex sets foot on the familiar concrete of the pier. It’s chilly – befitting evening by the waterfront, so he’s definitely glad he brought an extra jacket with him. Charlie, on the other hand, not so lucky – so Alex offered him his jacket, but Charlie outright refused. He claimed he couldn’t let Alex freeze, which was sweet but at the same time asinine since Charlie was clearly shivering a little at the coldness. </em>
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  <em>It’s disconcerting to be here. There’s a part of him that regrets choosing this location – Charlie never asked him why Alex would pick this place of all possible places to go. They both know full well what happened here. The dark secrets that lie embedded, hidden here within the concrete, within the water that flows endlessly and endlessly.</em>
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  <em>But if Alex didn’t choose here, he didn’t think he’d be able to say it all out loud. Everything that’s happened so far in the past month at Berkeley. Jessica and Jacob, and all the conversations they had, but never discussed out loud. It’s time to face that. He promised himself he’d open up to Charlie – that if there’s one person he can be honest to, it’s Charlie.</em>
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  <em>If not his boyfriend, then whom?</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“So, we’re here,” Charlie says, the slightest waver in his voice when a wave of cool air brushes by. </em>
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  <em>“You sure you don’t need my jacket?” Alex says, concerned. He reaches out, squeezing Charlie’s larger hand affectionately, hoping to warm him up at least a little. “Really – I don’t want to see you getting sick.”</em>
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  <em>“I’ll be fine,” Charlie nods. “Besides, we’re just going for a walk, right?”</em>
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  <em>“Um… well,” Alex begins, heart thundering in his chest. “I guess – there’s something I gotta tell you.”</em>
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  <em>Charlie’s looking back at him, incredulous and surprised. “Alex… you… you didn’t really…?” There’s a brief flash of shock on his face, and before he can speak, Alex beats him to it. </em>
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  <em>“No, no, I didn’t cheat on you-“ he stammers. “I just… Look- I don’t know how to tell this to Jessica, but – there’s somethings about Jacob I haven’t told you yet.”</em>
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  <em>Alex shuffles uneasily at his own admission, realizing how little sense he makes. He didn’t provide any premise, any background information. It’s like he kind of just expected Charlie to know what he’s talking about without any exposition, like Charlie could read his mind. </em>
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  <em>“Why? You said things were fine, that you were just overthinking it- that’s what you’ve been telling me since the first day, and what does Jess have to do with this?” Charlie looks confused, bewildered. He’s right after all- Alex hadn’t said much about it, if anything, even. </em>
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  <em>“Jacob said to me…-“ Alex begins. “Look -  just, listen.”</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>Alex clears his throat, and then it all begins. </em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So... Consider leaving a comment?</p><p>It keeps me motivated to write more ^^</p><p>Thank you again for reading.</p><p>Also there is a discord server for Chalex shippers!!! We talk about the series, fanfics, artwork, or just friendly stuff!</p><p>https://discord.gg/BpY3BhS</p><p>If you would like to join</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Date Night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Charlie and Alex go on a date before returning to Berkeley, and have some difficult conversations amidst joy</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So since i'm not uploading anything for Day 5 (Soulmates) of Chalex Week 2020, here's another chapter of NTYIB instead!</p><p>Special thanks to syazzypanda as usual for being an amazing beta reader &lt;3 </p><p>Song featured: Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill<br/>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVf940pO5ME</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"<em>I'm old school, I still like flowers and real dates."</em></p><p>- <strong>Unknown</strong></p><p> </p><p> </p><h3>
  <strong><span class="u">Sunday, September 30th, 2019</span> </strong>
</h3><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sometimes, I wonder if I made all the right decisions. I mean, of course, some of them will turn out wrong, and some of them I’ll come to regret – that’s just the way life is – but it’s the big ones, the huge decisions, the lynchpins that I rest my thoughts on.</em>
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  <em>Because if I’ve learned one thing, it’s that regret may be the deadliest killer. Silent, pervasive, slow, and dangerous. Because before you realize it, before it hits you, you burn, you suffer, you cry out for someone to save you, or to put an end to your misery. </em>
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  <em>So, before it’s too late, live your life with no regrets.</em>
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  <em>Baby, before it’s too late. </em>
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</p><hr/><p> </p><p>Alex is no stranger to clinics. He’s never gotten tested for STDs per se, but he’s been to clinics several times in his childhood for various mishaps or little things. Even in the weeks and months after surviving his suicide attempt, he had gone for extra PT and help on the side, even with Zach by his side at the time. So, needless to say, this scene isn’t strange to him whatsoever, even if there’s plenty brewing at the back of his mind. There are some things he hasn’t told Charlie yet. Yes – it’s easy enough to pass off getting tested together as a milestone in a relationship because it <em>really is</em> one. While Alex (and Charlie) might be new to gay dating as a whole, they’re not new to all the baggage that comes along with it – they’ve mentally prepared themselves to some extent.</p><p> </p><p>And one of those is STDs. It’s silly – it really is. But when Justin was diagnosed with HIV, he remembers Charlie solemnly telling him, with tears in his eyes, that if this were the 70s or even the 80s, maybe even later, that people would have said to them, under their breath: ‘it should have been you two.’ And Alex ruefully agreed because he knows it’s true.</p><p> </p><p>But there’s more to coming here than that. Something that’s bothered him for some time. Something he’s only been realizing for the past few days: Jessica.</p><p> </p><p>“Hey, so we have to fill out these forms first,” Charlie says, arriving back with two paper cups filled with water and two forms in his other hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks,” Alex says, looking up briefly to grasp his own form.</p><p> </p><p>He winces a little when he has to disclose his reasons for getting tested. There is a section where he has to disclose any sexual relations he has had with men or women. It makes him a little uncomfortable and not because he’s necessarily ashamed of it. Still, because it feels unfair – it shouldn’t fucking matter, even if all information is confidential and to be used for medical purposes. He glances over at Charlie, who fills out the form with a blank expression, like anything else. But Charlie clearly picks up on the distress Alex feels, because he suddenly reaches out a hand, sympathetically watching him with soft, kind eyes. They don’t speak, but they both do understand. Reluctantly, Alex fills out the box at the bottom, closes his eyes, and gets up, taking Charlie’s form with him to the receptionist and handing both of them in together.</p><p> </p><p>“Thank you, please take a seat, and you’ll both be brought in momentarily,” she says, neutral and professional, before glossing over the information both of them provided. For a moment, Alex’s breath catches as a million things run through his mind about what the receptionist may or may not be thinking.</p><p> </p><p>Then it all fades when Charlie calls out his name.</p><p> </p><p>The clinic is quite empty – they are the only two people in the waiting room. It’s a rare moment of privacy in a public space. They’re far away enough away from the receptionist that Alex is confident that he can speak without fear of judgement, fear of outsiders listening. It’s a relief, really, and not because he’s ashamed of Charlie and himself. But after Friday’s confrontation with Charlie’s teammates, Alex realizes this is an additional challenge they’ll always have to bear.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you worried?” Charlie suddenly asks, furrowing his brows when Alex twists his mouth and sighs. “You know… I know you said it was about Friday night and I…”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shakes his head, partly because <em>no</em>, that’s not why he’s worried, and partly because it was embarrassing. “No.. I- I just,” he pauses, throwing his hands up a little when he loses direction of what to say.</p><p> </p><p>“You know, it’s okay,” Charlie says. “I still enjoyed it a lot – it’s just… maybe we just work better with me on top?” he says. There’s nothing teasing, nothing derisive about it – Charlie is serious, reassuring, and sympathetically resting a hand on Alex’s knee. “And sex is just one thing – it’s not that big of a deal. I still love you no less.”</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie I – that was just embarrassing, I couldn’t stay hard,” Alex admits, taking care to reduce his voice to barely more than a whisper. “And fuck – I mean I thought like – It was the same with Jess,” he admits, sniffling and wrinkling his nose at the unpleasant memory. “No wonder she fucking thought the sex sucked,” he says angrily.</p><p> </p><p>“N-no!” Charlie says, taking care not to raise his voice too much. “No, Alex – it’s okay – it’s just… you know, maybe condom sensitivity <em>is</em> a thing,” he adds, gently massaging Alex’s hand directly underneath his, both rested on Alex’s knee. “And like I said – you don’t have to push yourself, ever.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, I just…” Alex says back, sighing. “I don’t feel confident sometimes. I think after… after my TBI, I just attributed it to that, but maybe it’s more than just that…”</p><p> </p><p>He glances over at Charlie, in disbelief at what he’s admitting. It’s embarrassing, yes – but Charlie’s not judging him. Their eyes meet, and he instantly feels a little more relieved when Charlie’s eyes hold no judgement, shame, or anything. If anything, there’s curiosity, and if Alex digs deep enough, he sees worry and anxiety flickering in the depths of his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>“Um…” Charlie starts, glancing over at the receptionist, who’s quietly minding her own business and well out of earshot. “I never got to ask you this, but – did you and Winston ever…?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Winston.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>It’s a name Alex hasn’t heard in a while. He’s thought of Winston from time to time, always wondering what he must be up to now. They hadn’t spoken since that fateful last night outside Monet’s, where Winston said his farewells. Alex hoped to keep him as a friend but understood it would take time, that Winston would need his space. Whatever they had, whatever he could call it – he enjoyed it, he really did. But it’s long gone, and he’s even happier with what he has now.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie doesn’t finish his question, but Alex doesn’t need to hear the rest to answer this. They’d never discussed it, preferring to just let it slide, deem it a relic of the past that’s not relevant. “No,” he admits. “I- I mean I wanted to, but I couldn’t just bring him home, you know,” he says, Charlie’s deep blue eyes holding him in place. Alex feels a touch of discomfort when he sees the briefest flash of jealousy across Charlie’s face. And then it all fades. “So no – you’re the first guy I’ve ever been with,” he says quickly, a reassuring smile to cover his tracks.</p><p> </p><p>“Same,” Charlie admits, smiling a little, even blushing a little. “Although I think I told you about that already, back then when we first…” he doesn’t finish, but they both understand. It was the best night of Alex’s life. He wouldn’t forget Charlie’s arms around him, holding him tight as they made love for the first time.</p><p> </p><p>“But yeah – there’s more than just… Winston and like, me not being able to fucking get it up,” he says bitterly. “Or at least, not being able to fucking <em>keep</em> it up,” he mutters.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s looking at him in confusion, caressing his arm with comforting touches when Alex stares hard across the room into nothingness. By instinct, he pulls out his phone again, staring hard at the last text he sent to Jessica. She didn’t reply yet – and for a split-second, Alex almost wishes she wouldn’t right now, so he wouldn’t have to deal with anything.</p><p> </p><p>“You know – remember what you said to me about Justin, back when we were at Crestmont Hospital?” Alex says, a little shaky. “That if we were living in the 80s or 90s, that people would be wondering why it wasn’t us instead?” He asks, almost spitting out the words in bottled rage.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s lips are pressed in a tight line, but he nods, acknowledging the bittersweet memory: Justin’s last moments as his friend and teammate weighing on his mind.</p><p><br/>“I only recently found out that Jess and Diego went together,” Alex continues, his tone sour. “You know, to get tested afterward.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie slowly nods, and when Alex scans his face, he sees that even Charlie had no knowledge of this until now. It makes sense for them to get tested – of course, Jessica was seeing both of them at the same time. Alex had wanted to bring this up with Jess for some time, but he never found the time to. And when Jess was reeling from her trauma with Bryce, and then later and even now with Justin’s sudden departure, he simply couldn’t hurt her anymore.</p><p><br/>Even if he himself is hurting.</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie, you know that Jess and I dated once… twice, right?” Alex inquires, cocking his head to glance at Charlie. It’s mostly a rhetorical question – of course, Charlie knows. He’s disclosed that early, and it wasn’t some big secret. Charlie nods slowly at that.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you also know she cheated on me with Justin?” Alex suddenly asks, his lips pressed in a hard line, eyes cold. <em>No</em>, of course Charlie doesn’t know. No one knew. Alex had to solve the fucking puzzle himself while Jess slipped away from him. He remembers when she finally broke up with him – and he wasn’t surprised. Even if it hurt and he was angry, upset - jealous even.</p><p> </p><p>“No… no I-I didn’t,” Charlie admits, and for a moment, Alex wishes he didn’t bring it up. Not because of Jess – he knows Charlie isn’t particularly close with her – it’s Justin that’s on his mind. He’s never considered Justin a close friend – it’s hard to, after all, with their mutual history with the same girl. But Justin was a friend to Charlie. He taught him Football, he coached him. Charlie surely remembers Justin as a great person.</p><p> </p><p>Alex can’t disagree with that, even if he’s still bitter about how things went. Justin deserved better, and Alex could still never wish that fate upon anyone.</p><p> </p><p>Not even Bryce.</p><p> </p><p>“I…I see,” Charlie finally says, shaking his head. “I’m… I’m really sorry, Alex… you shouldn’t have to deal with that,” he says, empathetic and caring, his fingers interlacing with Alex’s once more in support and allyship.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well – I only found out because Jacob had asked her,” Alex continues. “And I’m not about to ask her what her results were.”</p><p> </p><p>“But she’s your friend,” Charlie says worriedly. “But- wait, Jacob asked her? Your roommate? Why?” He asks, confused. Of course – Alex didn’t explain to him yet. He’s been meaning to. And he will – just not here, not now.</p><p> </p><p>“I just – I’ll get into everything later,” Alex says, holding his hands up. “Okay?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie nods somberly back at him.</p><p> </p><p>“So, do you see where I’m getting at?” asks Alex, tone deadly calm with piercing blue eyes on Charlie’s. “It’s… it’s not just because I want to do away with the condoms – even if I find it embarrassing beyond all hell.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie closes his eyes, exhaling before glancing over at Alex after a long pause. When Alex can see his eyes again, he sees resolve, understanding, and sympathy. It causes Alex’s stoic façade to break just a little, and he smiles a little when Charlie holds his hand a little tighter again.</p><p> </p><p>“Because you don’t know if you got anything from her – while she was cheating on you with Justin.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t say anything back. He just nods, sucking in an angry breath through his nose.</p><p> </p><p>“Charles St. George and Alexander Standall?” A voice calls. The boyfriends look up, their mutual gaze resting on the doctor that enters the waiting area. “Come in.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s almost 6 PM by the time they both leave the clinic, bandages over their needle prick points in tow.</p><p> </p><p>“They said it’ll take some time to finish processing results,” says Charlie as they head out of the building, hand in hand with Alex. “But preliminary results are negative for everything.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs in relief when he hears that – not that he was really expecting the worst; he knew that Justin insisted on using condoms with Jess, and he himself also always used condoms. Nonetheless, it takes a weight off his chest he didn’t realize was there for some time now.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that’s good then,” Alex breathes, rolling his shoulders to rid himself of the slight, dull ache in them. “I guess that means…” he pauses, before stopping to teasingly tug at the collar of Charlie’s dress shirt again. Carefully, he unbuttons the topmost button and stops only when Charlie rolls his eyes at him, but nonetheless puts his hands lovingly on Alex's own. </p><p><br/>“Soon,” he promises. “We gotta get you back to Berkeley,” he adds but blushes no less at the subtle remark Alex makes.</p><p> </p><p>“I know – but firstly – we gotta grab food,” says Alex matter-of-factly. “I know a place – you’ll love it,” he chimes, before dragging Charlie by the hand to the car.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie stifles a laugh when Alex says that but doesn’t put up any resistance. “So, how do you know I’ll love it?” He asks, and Alex rolls his eyes at that.</p><p> </p><p>“Well – I’m not about to argue with you for 15 minutes about what kind of food we’re getting,” Alex winks at him. “Relationship advice 101,” he says, holding up a finger. “Don’t let your boo ask you what you want to eat.”</p><p> </p><p>“Because it’ll lead to countless disagreements about food,” Charlie finishes for him, sticking out his tongue at that. “Right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Alex answers him, shaking his head adorably and teasingly. “And you, my friend, are no different.”</p><p> </p><p> Charlie grimaces at that, with an incredulous look on his face. “What do you mean? I’m always open to like, anything you suggest,” he says, nervously.</p><p> </p><p>Alex raises an eyebrow suspiciously. Because frankly, they <em>both </em>know that's not true. </p><p> </p><p>“Okay – maybe you’re right after all.”</p><p> </p><p>The drive around Crestmont proves to be a pleasant endeavor. It’s a quiet adventure, much like many of their car rides together. Neither of them is particularly big on talking while driving, regardless of who has the driver seat – but it’s a comforting silence no less. Whenever Alex hits a red light, he holds out a hand, and even without trading glances – always dutifully keeping his eyes forward and on the side-view mirrors – Charlie reciprocates his touch. Charlie enjoys Alex’s playlist – it’s a little mainstream, but there’s also plenty of unique songs there too.</p><p> </p><p>It’s one of the many perks of dating.</p><p> </p><p>When they pull up at the restaurant, it’s Charlie who grins, wide-eyed and cheerily. “Wow, it really looks… pretty fancy,” he says, excitedly getting out of the car. When Alex is slower to exit the vehicle, it’s Charlie who holds the door open for him, reaching a hand in.</p><p> </p><p>“Your majesty?” he says, shrugging when Alex mentions that it isn’t prom night.</p><p> </p><p>“Every day with you is like prom all over again,” Charlie beams, and Alex wraps an arm around Charlie’s. For a moment, Alex wonders if there is a dress code here – it’s undoubtedly more upscale, and it’s not like either he or Charlie are underdressed for the occasion.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t help that the hostess who greets them is clad in rather formal clothing as well.</p><p> </p><p>He and Charlie trade glances for a moment, before letting go of one another as they make it into the establishment. Charlie looks at him with longing eyes, and although neither of them is a stranger to PDA, there’s a mutual understanding between them. Over the summer, they only had one incident where comments were made. Charlie told Alex to ignore it, and they did – but since then, both became more careful with holding hands, touching, kissing while surrounded by too many people.</p><p> </p><p>And after Friday night’s encounter with Charlie’s teammates, Alex is even less sure now. He frowns when Charlie subtly mentions to him that he would like to know what happened with his hand, and Alex lies, telling him not to worry.</p><p> </p><p>Though, he doesn’t know quite how to now. They smile at one another, each of them excitedly sitting down as their server greets them. Alex has to take a moment to remind himself that he’s not 21 yet when the server asks if they’d like to open a bottle of wine. It’s nice – he supposes, that they think he and Charlie are older than they really are.</p><p> </p><p>“Didn’t know you were that much of a drinker,” Charlie jokes, and Alex realizes he’s referencing the texts he sent to him weeks ago at the party. He’s forgotten largely about it – or rather, he wills himself to not think about it.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s an acquired taste – and skill,” Alex says back, smiling slightly when Charlie’s never-ending blue depths peer into his own. “I can’t say I’m much of a <em>binge </em>drinker, though.”</p><p> </p><p>They share an appetizer, followed by an entrée sized salad. By the time their main courses arrive, they’re both half full already. The food is good, though, and despite feeling increasingly full by the minute, Alex doesn’t hesitate to finish his plate of food.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you think of the food?” He asks, quirking an eyebrow at Charlie, who’s also finishing the last bites of his steak.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s good,” Charlie says after a pause, making sure to finish chewing his food. “I definitely think it would have paired well with the red wine they offered us, though,” he chuckles, gazing over at the assortment of wine offered by the establishment.</p><p> </p><p>“I wish too,” Alex admits – even if last time’s adventure with alcohol left a bad taste in his mouth – both literally and figuratively.</p><p> </p><p>The server comes back not too long later. Alex winces a little when she brings two bills – before correcting her that he’d like one bill – much to Charlie’s chagrin. “Alex, you have to pay for tuition,” Charlie protests, shaking his head when Alex insists on paying for all of it.</p><p> </p><p>“And so do you, next year,” Alex says back, a territorial hand on the cheque when Charlie’s eyes zero in on it. “Besides – I promised you I’d treat you – and you agreed to it,” he finishes, stoic and firm.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie relents at that, and Alex pays for the whole bill. They take this moment of comforting silence in dimly lit bliss, with the faintest hint of a romantic song playing through the speakers to gaze longingly at one another. Alex’s breath hitches when he sees his exact feelings mirrored in Charlie’s face when he sees himself in Charlie’s pristine pools. He wouldn’t trade this for anything else in the world.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you ready to go back to Berkeley?” Charlie suddenly asks, smiling sweetly when Alex checks the time. It’s almost 10 PM. “You still have to drop off your car at your folks,” he says. “Then I’ll drive you back, okay?” He says, nodding gently.</p><p> </p><p><em>This is it</em>.</p><p> </p><p>“Not quite,” Alex says after a long pause. “There’s one more place…” he says, biting his lip when his eyes flutter closed at the thought. “Let’s go for a walk.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s well past dusk when Alex sets foot on the familiar concrete of the pier. It’s chilly – befitting evening by the waterfront, so he’s definitely glad he brought an extra jacket with him. Charlie, on the other hand, not so lucky – so Alex offered him his jacket, but Charlie outright refused. He claimed he couldn’t let Alex freeze, which was sweet but at the same time asinine, since Charlie was clearly shivering a little at the coldness.</p><p> </p><p>It’s disconcerting to be here. There’s a part of him that regrets choosing this location – Charlie never asked him why Alex would pick this place of all possible places to go. They both know full well what happened here. The dark secrets that lie embedded, hidden here within the concrete, within the water that flows dark and endlessly beneath them.</p><p> </p><p>But if Alex didn’t choose this spot, he didn’t think he’d be able to say it all out loud. Everything that’s happened so far in the past month at Berkeley. Jessica and Jacob, and all the conversations they had, but never discussed out loud. It’s time to face that. He promised himself he’d open up to Charlie – that if there’s one person he can be honest to, it’s Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>If not his boyfriend, then whom?</p><p> </p><p>“So, we’re here,” Charlie says, the slightest waver in his voice when a wave of cool air brushes by.</p><p> </p><p>“You sure you don’t need my jacket?” Alex says, concerned. He reaches out, squeezing Charlie’s larger hand affectionately, hoping to warm him up at least a little. “Really – I don’t want to see you getting sick.”</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll be fine,” Charlie nods. “Besides, we’re just going for a walk, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Um… well,” Alex begins, heart thundering in his chest. “I guess – there’s something I gotta tell you.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s looking back at him, incredulous and surprised. “Alex… you… you didn’t really…?” There’s a brief flash of shock on his face, and before he can speak, Alex beats him to it.</p><p> </p><p>“No, no, I didn’t cheat on you-” he stammers. “I just… Look- I don’t know how to tell this to Jessica, but – there are things about Jacob I need to get off my chest. </p><p>                                                                                               </p><p>Alex shuffles uneasily at his own admission, realizing how little sense he makes. He didn’t provide any premise, any background information. It’s like he kind of just expected Charlie to know what he’s talking about without any exposition like he was hoping Charlie could read his mind.</p><p> </p><p>“Why? You said things were fine, that you were just overthinking it- that’s what you’ve been telling me since the first day, and what does Jess have to do with this?” Charlie looks confused, bewildered. He’s right after all- Alex hadn’t said much about it, if anything, even.</p><p> </p><p>“Jacob said to me…-” Alex begins. “Look -  just, listen.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex clears his throat, and then it all begins. He lets his eyes flutter shut, listening to the song of the wind, the melody of crashing waves, the stillness of the night. The calm before the storm.</p><p> </p><p>♫</p><p>
  <em>You ask me if I love you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I choke on my reply</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'd rather hurt you honestly</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Than mislead you with a lie</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p> </p><p>“I-“ Alex starts, heartbeat jumping into his throat. “You know on the day I moved in when you were there… and Jacob said he went to Hillcrest?” asks Alex, eyes tracing Charlie’s delicate features. “And you told me I should’ve calmed down?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yes,” Charlie answers after a pause. “I did.”</p><p> </p><p>“I was right-” Alex continues, turning his eyes over to the darkness that stretches over the cascading waves of blue. The moon is out – faint, but there. It’s just enough that it isn’t pitch black, save for the distant streetlight. “I did recognize him.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie shakes his head, dumbfounded at that. “How?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex closes his eyes, letting out a weighty sigh, running a hand through his auburn hair. He listens to the sound of rolling water, listens to the song of the wind.</p><p> </p><p>And then he sees it again.</p><p> </p><p>He’s envisioning himself one year back when Bryce’s death sent shockwaves through the community. Clay was on the verge of being charged with murder, and Alex on the verge of collapsing from guilt and stress. They’re in the Liberty gymnasium, surrounded by their fellow football game attendees.</p><p> </p><p>And opposite to them is Hillcrest.</p><p> </p><p>And suddenly, Tyler stands up from the crowd, breath shaky. Alex looks over, reeling in nausea when he realizes what Tyler’s about to say.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“My name is Tyler Down…” he begins. “And I’m a survivor.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex takes the opportunity to look across the floor, to look into the eyes of the man who did this. He realizes he’s not alone. Charlie’s glaring at Monty with shock and disbelief plastered on his face, layered with utter betrayal and disgust. Alex would only later realize what a turning point this would make.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“My name is Lina Ochoa,” a voice calls from the opposite end. “And I’m a survivor.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex doesn’t understand – not entirely. He was kept in the dark for so long when it came to Jess – she would never speak about it, and he was always left to grasp at straws, to respect her wishes because he damn still loved her. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>A part of him fears that this could one day happen to him. It’s never occurred to him before. But after seeing Tyler, then Robby, and finally Justin stand up. He feels it. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex is recalling these memories, and then his eyes sweep across the opposition – and when the next person speaks – “My name is Sarah Stern… And I’m a survivor,” – he notices Jacob.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He’s right there. With his neatly combed auburn hair, pristine blue eyes.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He looks upset. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Another scene emerges, the set changing and flickering like memories on a projector behind his eyelids. They’re on the football field at Liberty High, just days before. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex is watching from the sidelines, shocked by the turn of events on Homecoming night. Jess and the rest of HO are on the field, stripped-down, covered in red paint, with vulgar looking handprints on their bodies. It signifies assault. Survivorship. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>It’s a protest. And even Alex can see that it’s about to boil over, that tensions are at an all-time high. Little did he know that this would be among the last times he would ever see Bryce. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>His gaze sweeps the field, landing on a number he thought he’d forgotten.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>82.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey, nice ass!” he calls out.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Nice tits!” his teammate adds.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex feels anger touch him when they spend far too long, gazing at her physique. His hands are balled into fists, knuckles turning white from the tension. And when Jess turns over to curse at them, Alex realizes with a jolt that 82 is Jacob.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He’s seen her long before they met at that party. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>***</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">September 21st, 2019 - 9 days ago</span>
  </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>The scene changes one more time, and Alex finds himself back in the familiar warmth yet emptiness that is his dorm bed. It’s a week before Charlie’s football game, and Alex is marking down on the calendar for when it’s time to back. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“So, how was Hillcrest before you graduated?” Alex asks, absent-mindedly on his phone, texting Charlie before he sleeps. It’s past 12 in their dorm when Jacob strolls in with a yawn, finishing up his nightly routine. Alex frowns at that – he’s been trying to make some small talk to make the time here more bearable. “You gonna sleep now, or do you need me to step out so you can jerk off?” Alex asks with a slight chuckle. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Jacob rolls his eyes at him. “No comment,” he says back, but sits down anyway. “That’s a change – you like, never talk to me,” he says matter-of-factly.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex clicks his tongue in response. “Well, you’re also out trying to get laid like half the time I’m here,” he remarks.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Jacob scoffs. “True- well… I suppose I miss football,” he says. “Lots of really great guys there,” he sniffles a little, and Alex couldn’t have expected what came next.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You know – people hated Bryce,” Jacob says. “I get it. He was a fucking rapist, and I know he went to Liberty before transferring over,” he continues, steely eyes on Alex’s. His face darkens when he asks, “Did you know him?”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex is stunned by this. Of all the directions this conversation could turn, this wasn’t what he expected or wished for. “No,” he lies, instinctively wiping his palms against his pajamas. “No… I didn’t.”</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Well, I’m sure your boyfriend St. George did,” he murmurs, lying down on the bed with a slight groan. “Bryce mentioned he used to play for Libert,” he says absentmindedly. “Man… Bryce deserved fucking better,” he says with distaste and disgust.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And Alex wishes he could say no. He wishes he could refute this right here and now. Scream that Bryce was a rapist who did terrible things, hurt everyone he loved, ruined everyone’s lives. But he has no right to. Not here, not now. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“They said one of your football guys killed him,” Jacob shrugs. “But I think that’s bullshit. I liked him, really – we used to hang out more and I’m sad he’s gone.” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>For who am I to judge you</em>
</p><p>
  <em>In what you say or do</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm only just beginning</em>
</p><p>
  <em>To see the real you</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Alex opens his eyes, and he’s back at the pier. He’s breathing hard, eyes wandering, searching, trying to find some sense of stability amidst the growing fog at the back of his mind. And suddenly, it feels like everyone he knows and talks to at Berkeley – Jess, Jacob, whoever – that he can’t trust them. Frantically, he calls out Charlie’s name.</p><p> </p><p>And it’s only then that he realizes that it’s not Charlie he sees. It’s himself.</p><p> </p><p>Jess.</p><p> </p><p>And Bryce.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>November 2nd, 2018 </strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>“She did not set you up,” Alex yells back, tightening his grip on Bryce, so much so that he’s certain it hurts the man, because Bryce starts roaring and flailing around in pain again.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“She fucking set me up!” He screams, enraged, a weakened hand shoving against Alex’s frame, causing him to lose balance. He’s staring daggers at Jess, and in an instant, despite everything Jess has done to him, all the hurt she’s caused him – Alex couldn’t feel any more protective of the girl he once called his.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He grits his teeth, forcing a hand up under Bryce’s armpit as he steels himself for what’s about to come next. It must fucking hurt, because Bryce screams in pain again, unable to stand, unable to move on his own. And for the first time tonight, Alex feels satisfaction at this.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He feels satisfaction at causing another person physical pain. And he hates himself for it. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He pauses for a moment, piercing eyes burning holes into Bryce’s own, who’s too far gone, too far hurt to notice it. He thinks back to Hannah, in the bathtub, crying out for help while Alex had no idea. Then to Jess, on the bed, with Justin paralyzed in fear. Then Zach, crying out in pain, clutching his knee as his dreams faded away.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>And finally, something snaps. Something deep inside him which he didn’t even know was there shatters. And all his self-inhibition is gone. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You’ve hurt everyone I ever loved,” Alex finally says with bone-chilling calmness. </em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <em>And sometimes when we touch</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The honesty's too much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I have to close my eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And hide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till I die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Till we both break down and cry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  
</p><p>And then it changes again, and Alex is back where he was, under the moonlit sky surrounded by water and Charlie’s arms. He’s wordless, silent, one arm clutching his chest despite Charlie’s attempts to calm him, a reassuring hand rubbing, soothing him on his back.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m never going to outrun my past,” Alex says, lifeless and dull. “I’m never outrunning my ghosts, am I?” He asks, lips pressed in a hard line. “I’m always going to be stuck here like this. With people who remind me of everything wrong I’ve done. I’m broken.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks dumbfounded by this. “No… N-no!” He says, wincing a little when Alex rejects his touch. “You- you’re not broken at all,” he says, trying to be reassuring. “I know that. I’ve seen you, the <em>real</em> you," he adds, warmly rubbing the back of Alex's shoulders. </p><p> </p><p>“Charlie, what would you know though,” Alex snaps back, shaking his head in frustration. “What was the first thing you learned about me? From Monty?” He asks, stepping forward, anger in his eyes. “That I was this sad, skinny kid who shot himself in the head and missed?"</p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks hurt and shocked by that, because it's an accusation as much as it’s a fact. He holds his hands up defensively. “I-I’m sorry, Alex-” he chokes out, eyes sympathetic and slightly wet. “I know it was wrong. It was fucked up, and I shouldn’t have said that and I should have known better-“</p><p> </p><p>“You weren’t wrong about that, though,” Alex says bitterly. “What you told Zach on the field that day was a fact,” he almost spits out the words. “It’s not like being the hot quarterback makes your life so hard,” he adds and almost instantly regrets those words.</p><p> </p><p>He looks over at his fists, where the bruises have definitely healed since Friday night.  </p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks shocked by that comment. “A…Alex,” he breathes. “Really?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Romance's an honest strategy</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Leaves me grappling with my pride</em>
</p><p>
  <em>But through the years of maturity</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Some tenderness survives</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I'm just another writer</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still trapped within my truth</em>
</p><p>
  <em>A hesitant prize-fighter</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Still trapped within my youth</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t answer, only ruefully acknowledging the hurt in Charlie’s eyes after he says those words. He’s breathing hard, apologies on the tip of his tongue, because <em>fuck</em> while he needs to get all that out of his system, he doesn’t want this.</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t want to hurt Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“I-I just,” he says, choking on his words. “I’m sorry, I’m fucked up. And I can’t escape that.” He somberly admits.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie opens his mouth in silent protest, slowly dropping his arms from Alex’s back, reeling from the shock of Alex’s words. He clears his throat, trying to gather his composure to keep talking. “I… Alex… you know you can always tell me anything,” he begins, holding back the first signs of a sob. “You know that, don’t you?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And sometimes when we touch</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The honesty's too much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I have to close my eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And hide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till I die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Till we both break down and cry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides</em>
</p><p> </p><p>Alex just shakes his head at that, lips pressed in a tight line. “Like you do?” He demands. “Like you tell me what’s wrong at Liberty with the rest of your fucked up teammates?” He hisses, grimacing. “Do they even know we’re dating?” He demands.</p><p> </p><p>“W-what?” Charlie sucks in a breath, bewildered. “What? How did-”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, well, I guess fists are louder than words then,” Alex says sourly, embittered and cold. He glances down at his knuckles, where the bruises are hardly visible under the whiteness of him straining.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex- You… what?!” Charlie stammers. “This year’s… this year’s jocks aren’t like last year’s-” he shoots back. Alex jolts a little when Charlie suddenly slams a hand against the metal of the railing that separates them from the raging currents. “I can’t – I need this football scholarship. And I have every right to keep my personal life separate from football,” he says. “I’m not ashamed of us if that’s what you’re asking. How could you even suggest that? And <em>that’s</em> where your bruises came from?  From punching Aaron?” He shakes his head in disbelief. “God, Alex, do you even know what problems you’ve caused me?” He almost spits out the words, and Alex sees a flash of anger in Charlie’s normally perfect, mellow features.</p><p> </p><p>Alex swallows, feeling the anger subside just a tiny bit. Charlie has a point. But he still feels bitter about it. “Yeah. I guess I do,” he snorts, defeated. “I just – I can’t bear to see that, you know?” He says, slightly teary amidst rolling anger. “The kind of shit they were saying to you on Friday. How the fuck do you even bear to listen to that shit?” He scowls, rage flaring again when he thinks of that night again, Charlie’s teammates and their so-very punchable faces. “And does it not bother you when you’re dating me? The way it fucking bothers me?”</p><p> </p><p>“It does” Charlie whispers back, equally defeated. “It really fucking does, Alex. It sucks. And Kerba can’t do much about it. It’s like when Monty was still here,” he says, almost too quickly, looking over with pleading eyes when he realizes what he’s said. It sounds like a sad excuse.</p><p> </p><p>“I know,” Alex snaps back angrily. “Zach said the same damn thing. That this is just the way jocks are. You know what, despite everything Jess has done that I don’t agree with and all the shit she’s done to hurt me, I can’t believe I’m agreeing with her on one thing. You know that? Despite being team captain. Both of you," he says, slightly venomous. </p><p> </p><p>Charlie doesn’t say anything at that, just mouth agape in surprise, reeling a little from the cutting edge in Alex’s voice. He doesn’t protest because he knows Alex is right. Even if it hurts. “Alex, I’m really sorry,” Charlie finally says. “It’s my responsibility too as captain,” he admits, grimacing. “And… as your boyfriend.” He approaches slowly, carefully resting a hand on Alex’s shoulder. “To be better.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t resist it this time, and slowly holds up a hand to slide his fingers underneath Charlie’s. “Okay,” he whispers, eyes fluttering closed at Charlie’s touch.</p><p> </p><p>"You know, you have to tell Jess, right?" Charlie suddenly says pointedly. And Alex has no answer. He only nods slightly. </p><p> </p><p>The next moments pass in complete silence. Their eyes meet, and there’s a moment of mutual understanding. Despite how fucked up everything was just now, between the ghosts of their past and more. Alex is trying to pull himself together, <em>damn it </em>he’s trying. He’s trying to steady his breath, stifle the sobs, hold the anger at bay. Slowly but surely, it works.</p><p> </p><p>He takes in a ragged breath, rubbing his watery eyes against the sleeve of his jacket, trying to warm himself up instinctively against the coolness of the air. For a split-second, he wishes that it was Charlie’s arms around him again. It’s unavoidable, he can’t miss it, and when he notices Charlie shivering again, his heart cracks again. He wants to be angry, to have a moment of silence for himself. He’s tried. But he can’t. He’s not strong enough – or maybe he’s strong enough not to.</p><p> </p><p>So he gives in. He finally gives Charlie his jacket, despite Charlie’s objections. Almost immediately, Charlie’s stressed expression eases a little, and Alex feels the anger fast recede into dullness. There’s still tension between them – that’s unavoidable, it’s inevitable.</p><p> </p><p>But they don’t say anything. And when the last of the distant lights shut off, signifying night’s approach to midnight, Charlie wordlessly gestures Alex towards the hood of the car, another steady hand gently on his back, guiding him. It’s time to go home. It’s time to get on with real life.</p><p> </p><p>And if Charlie does call out his name, somewhere under his breath, emotional and raw, Alex feels like it’s just his imagination. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And sometimes when we touch</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The honesty's too much</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And I have to close my eyes</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And hide</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till I die</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Till we both break down and cry</em>
</p><p>
  <em>I want to hold you till the fear in me subsides</em>
</p><p>
  <em>♫</em>
</p><p>
  <em>. . .</em>
</p><p>
  <em>. . </em>
</p><p>
  <em>.</em>
</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong>
    <span class="u">Chapter 9 Teaser </span>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Nine… Ten,” Alex breathes, labored and arms shaking as he does his final bicep curl for the day. He’s breathing hard, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. It’s almost 8 AM – and Alex was thinking of getting his workout before class today.</em>
</p><p> </p><p><em>He’s been finding himself juggling school, Charlie, workouts, and everything else to be a struggle lately. It’s difficult enough to find time between classes to hit the gym when it’s not too full. Alex has resorted to going during early morning or evenings to secure his spot at the gym. </em> <em>As his heartbeat slows down to normalcy, he closes his eyes, wincing when he places his fingers across his still flexed bicep, tense and slightly aching. It feels good. He’s always enjoyed this. Exercise makes him feel good about himself, and it doubles as being legitimately good for one’s health. He feels a little better.</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Yo,” a voice calls out from behind. Alex doesn’t need to turn around to recognize it – it’s Jacob. Wincing a little, Alex spins around, and his heart skips a beat when Jacob puts his gear down on the mat next to Alex’s. “Didn’t expect to see you here,” he says.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex has to remind himself not to stare when Jacob stretches his rather impressive physique in nothing but grey sweatpants. “Hey,” he greets back, raising a hand slightly. “What do you mean by that?” He inquires, eyes narrowed.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Jacob stares back at him, and Alex feels embarrassed because he knows Jacob’s examining his physique. He’s not as thing as he once was, he’s not the ‘sad, skinny kid’ anymore – but he’s not satisfied yet. “I get it, you think I’m a fucking twig,” Alex scoffs.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Well – we can change that,” Jacob quirks an eyebrow.</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope everyone enjoyed it.</p><p>If you would like to be part of the Chalex community, please consider joining the Discord server:<br/>https://discord.gg/Uf5CbAR</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Cool Off</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex and Charlie talk about Homecoming at Berkeley; Jacob opens up about juicing and Jess; Zach and Alex keep in touch as friends</p><p>Calm before the storm.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey, so here's Chapter 9 guys. </p><p>A little shorter, and probably the calmest chapter we'll have for a long, long time. Things get wild from here. Reminder that I will always mark every chapter with a disclaimer under the circumstance that it contains sensitive content. </p><p>This is not one of them, so please enjoy!</p><p>As usual, thank you to my amazing beta reader syazzypanda and the rest of the Chalex community for helping me out with this and giving me inspiration!<br/>If you'd like to join the Chalex community to discuss in real-time, our Discord link is:<br/>https://discord.gg/FcwU5ER</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"Opening up to the wrong person is like putting ammo in their hands."</em>
</p><p><em>-</em> <strong> Lisa Kleypas</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <strong> <span class="u">October 9<sup>th</sup>, 2019</span> </strong>
</h3><p>“—So, I was wondering if you’d like to come to Berkeley’s homecoming next Friday?” Alex asks, absent-mindedly pacing around his dorm room to prepare for the day. It’s 7 AM, which Alex used to complain was considered too early by ‘normal’ standards, but he’s been getting used to it. He starts an hour later on Wednesday compared to most other days, but his sleep schedule’s been basically readjusted to waking up earlier now.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, this is a surprise,” Charlie’s voice like golden chimes flows like golden chimes through the speaker of his phone. “Someone’s getting into the party life.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex rolls his eyes, pressing his ear down against the screen to trap it between his bare shoulder and ear. The heat from the touchscreen feels a little jarring. “It’ll be nice to see you again more than just once a month,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s true.”</p><p> </p><p>“Besides, Homecoming at Berkeley is like, a tradition,” Alex chirps, before throwing on a pair of sweatpants and grabbing his toothbrush and paste with him.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hears Charlie chuckle back at him. “That’s like, a tradition at all colleges. Everyone just wants an excuse to get high and drunk,” he says matter-of-factly.</p><p> </p><p>Alex grins at that, nodding because he knows it’s true. “Yeah – well, you better bring those cookies of yours,” he says. “Several of ‘em’.”</p><p> </p><p>“So, who’s the <em>stoner </em>now?” Charlie asks cheekily, and Alex can’t help but grin back at himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, Charlie, I don’t know – I thought you preferred the term… <em>cannabisseur</em>.”</p><p> </p><p>“Oof,” his boyfriend says back to him, suppressing a giggle. “Touché.”</p><p> </p><p>“<em>Torsheer</em>, you mean,” Alex teases, clicking his tongue as he gets everything his needs, and strolls into the bathroom to wet the tip of his toothbrush.</p><p> </p><p>Little inside jokes only they would understand. Alex appreciates them, the goofiness of it all helping him forget a little about life and school, even if Charlie is away from him at present.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s about to say something back when Alex hears a distant yell in the background. “St. George!”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a brief pause before Charlie yells something back, which Alex makes out faintly to be an acknowledgment.</p><p> </p><p>“Got somewhere to go?” Alex says, garbled as he starts brushing his teeth, gym gear in hand. He glances at the time – 7:15 AM. He’ll be able to get at least an hour’s worth of workout time if he’s lucky after grabbing food.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah – Kerba wants us on the field in 5,” Charlie says back after a pause.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t reply immediately. The first thing that comes to mind is Aaron and the rest of Charlie’s asshole teammates. He instinctively looks down at his fists, where the bruises are all but gone. The evidence has long disappeared, but Alex still feels it like phantom pain.</p><p> </p><p>“I… I see,” Alex says slowly. “So, uh, did… Aaron say anything to you?” He asks, cautious before spitting out the toothpaste into the sink and pouring a dose of mouthwash into the little cup. “About how I punched him?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie laughs nervously at that. “Uh, it’s… it’s messy. He hasn’t said anything about you, but I can tell he hates me even more now.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex frowns. “Charlie, you know you can’t just let that slide, right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Alex—” Charlie begins, and Alex can imagine him raising a hand in protest. “I’ll deal with it, okay? I promise. Look— I’m sorry I didn’t do it earlier.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs but relents, even if Charlie’s tone doesn’t sound too convincing. He knows Charlie’s never been one to open up much about his emotions and struggles, so even a little bit, some moments of vulnerability here and there mean volumes to Alex. Even if it’s equal parts frustrating that he doesn’t get more.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex… are you still upset about last Sunday?” Charlie suddenly inquires.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a weighty sigh, before setting his phone down onto the countertop and switching to speaker. He doesn’t talk though, only staring into the mirror before him where his reflection lives. It’s a little disconcerting – something about the mirror here feels off, and whether it’s the lighting or something else, Alex can’t quite tell.</p><p> </p><p>He winces a little when he sees a small stain in the corner of the mirror.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex?” Charlie calls again, concerned.</p><p> </p><p>Alex takes a moment to let himself think back to two Sundays ago when they last saw each other in person. Wordless silence when they left the pier, a mostly quiet drive back to Berkeley. It wasn’t the most pleasant of conversations – arguments, really, if Alex is being honest – but it still made his chest tight and warm when Charlie kissed him goodbye at the entrance of the dorm with a warm hug.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh, yeah, no, I’m good,” he says, after a long pause, wetting a tissue to wipe the stain off the glass. “It’s all good. I just gotta head to the gym now.”</p><p> </p><p>“Okay. Yeah, exercise is good for you,” Charlie’s voice comes back, neutral and understanding. “I’ll see you next Friday, then?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex smiles at that. He would look forward to seeing Charlie again, trying those famous granola camp cookies, undoubtedly laced with weed. A shiver makes its way down his spine when he remembers that their final results for STDs came back—all negative.</p><p> </p><p>It’s elation, relief, and excitement all mixed into one giant package when he realizes that his chance to be with Charlie again is fast approaching. He’s been looking forward to this; he’d be lying if he said he wasn’t. There’s a brief flash of urgency and displeasure when Jess comes into the forefront of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>And then it all goes away.</p><p> </p><p>“Yup,” Alex says. “I’ll see you next Friday, Charles.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>It’s not too busy in the recreational center when Alex arrives. The receptionist greets him warmly when he swipes his Cal 1 card against the sensor, much like everywhere else on campus, before letting him into the fray. It’s not too different from any of the gyms that Alex has been to, back at Crestmont. Only, now that he’s living on campus and a 5-minute walk away, it’s much more convenient.</p><p> </p><p>Alex has always had mixed feelings about hitting the gym – on the one hand, he knows it’s good for him, and it’s helped him improve his sense of body image as well as actually gain some muscle mass, which he appreciates a lot. On the other hand, it’s kind of disheartening to see guys who are twice his size lifting twice the weight he’s doing.</p><p> </p><p>Alex remembers going to the gym with Zach, and then later with Charlie, and sometimes all three of them. Zach, being the biggest and physically strongest of the three, obviously could bench the most, with Charlie coming in second – Alex twisted his mouth at that but clamped down on the annoyance when they would both tease him gently about it. Charlie jokingly said he wouldn’t want to mess with Alex in a real fight, though, considering he’d been training with Tony for so many months.</p><p> </p><p>Alex just rolled his eyes at that but took it as a compliment. ('Babe, you know I could never fight you.) He’d tried to convince Tyler to join them on more than one occasion as well, but Tyler would often vehemently refuse, citing that ‘gyms just aren’t my thing,’ or something else along those lines. Even after Charlie and Alex tried to convince him together, Tyler wouldn’t budge.</p><p> </p><p>He stops to wonder how Tyler’s doing, away, studying photography. The three of them, including Charlie, bonded a lot during last year’s Winter break. He still texted Tyler from time to time, but their communication had definitely slowed down a lot lately. Then again, Alex could say the same about literally everyone. Even Charlie. Even Jess.</p><p> </p><p>Alex glances at his phone, tapping on Jessica’s contact name.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>(2 weeks ago) Alex Standall: We gotta talk</em>
</p><p>
  <em>(1 week ago) Jessica Davis: Oh, now you want to talk? </em>
</p><p> </p><p>He hasn’t replied. And he’s not sure if he wants to right now. Alex lets out a sigh, clamping down on the disheartenment when a much buffer guy passes by, before heading over to the weights section for his workout routine, trying to clear his mind.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>“Nine… Ten,” Alex breathes, labored, and arms shaking as he does his last bicep curl for the day. He’s breathing hard, a bead of sweat rolling down his forehead. It’s almost 8 AM – and Alex is just about finished and primed to head to class after a quick shower. </p><p> </p><p>He’s been finding himself juggling school, Charlie, workouts, and everything else to be a struggle lately. It’s difficult enough to find time between classes to hit the gym when it’s not too full. Alex has resorted to going during the early morning or evenings to secure his spot at the gym. As his heartbeat slows down to normalcy, he closes his eyes, wincing when he places his fingers across his still flexed bicep, tense and slightly aching. It feels good. He’s always enjoyed this. Exercise makes him feel good about himself, and it doubles as being legitimately good for one’s health. He feels a little better.</p><p> </p><p>“Yo,” a voice calls out from behind. Alex doesn’t need to turn around to recognize it – it’s Jacob. Wincing a little, Alex spins around, and his heart skips a beat when Jacob puts his gear down on the mat next to Alex’s. “Didn’t expect to see you here,” he says.</p><p> </p><p>Alex has to remind himself not to stare at Jacob when he stretches his rather impressive physique in nothing but grey sweatpants and a shirt. “Hey,” he greets back, raising a hand slightly. “What do you mean by that?” He inquires, eyes narrowed.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob stares back at him, and Alex feels embarrassed because he knows Jacob’s examining his physique. He’s not as thin as he once was, he’s not the ‘sad, skinny kid’ anymore – but he’s not satisfied yet. “I get it; you think I’m a fucking twig,” Alex scoffs.</p><p> </p><p>“Not exactly what I was thinking,” Jacob says, shrugging with a smirk. “But if you want… well – we can change that,” Jacob quirks an eyebrow.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks at him with narrowed eyes and confusion. “What do you mean by that?”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob looks even more surprised by that remark like Alex had been the one to ask the cryptic questions and not him. “I mean, if you need a little help bulking up—”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Oh.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Alex realizes that Jacob’s talking about steroids. It brings a frown to his face when he remembers that he too had a period of juicing – in fact, more than just a period – basically several months on it. He had gotten them from Bryce, paid hefty sums for it – all to bulk up and if he was being honest to himself, to hopefully win back Jessica after she dumped him.</p><p> </p><p>But eventually, it became a ritual and a part of his daily life, so even when he realized Jessica wasn’t leaving Justin for him, he continued using them, swallowed the bitterness and anger that came with it. He remembers faintly throwing out his last stash of steroids to avoid implication, only to be confronted by Ani and Clay about them. Justin of all people had to pick it out of a garbage can. Not times he wants to remember if he’s being truthful with himself.</p><p> </p><p>“I uh, I think I’m good, Jacob,” Alex says back, wide-eyed and nodding comedically. “I mean – I used to, until…”</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Until I got caught up in a murder investigation.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“—Until I figured just to go natural,” he finishes, swallowing slowly.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob scoffs at that, shrugging his big shoulders. “Well, when you’re a jock, and you gotta be in peak shape – it kinda helps,” he says matter-of-factly. “Basically, all the guys back at Hillcrest were using. Not the greatest time of our lives, but it is what it is. I figured you’d know something, dating St. George of all people.”</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie doesn’t juice,” Alex says crossly, and Jacob throws his hands up in the air defensively, muttering a soft apology.</p><p> </p><p>Alex isn’t interested in talking about his experiences with steroids or Charlie right now. It’s personal, and it’s something he hasn’t really disclosed to Zach or Charlie or Tyler -- Even if they all have some knowledge of it -- Zach, at least. And he’d rather keep it that way. He takes a moment to stare blankly at Jacob, who seems preoccupied with wiping down the seat of the machine with disinfectant. Alex admits it kind of surprises him to see a jock do that – even if Charlie did it all the time. Alex has never particularly associated jocks with cleanliness.</p><p> </p><p>Though if he’s being honest, Jacob’s the more organized roommate of the two.</p><p> </p><p>“You too, then?” Alex finally inquires, breaking the silence, as if he doesn’t already know the answer.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you think?” Jacob shoots back rhetorically. “Though it was sort of an unspoken rule. You know – everyone knew about it, but no one’s gonna talk,” he adds, chuckling a little. “Unless you and your boys are really tight.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex groans a little at that. “Then why talk to me of all people about it,” he swallows, trying not to sound too pointed.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob looks at him with incredulous eyes. “Well – you’re still my roommate,” Jacob’s facing away from him now, adjusting the weighting on the machine. Alex’s eyes bulge when Jacob sets the weighting to something <em>much </em>higher than Alex was expecting. “Even if you’re kind of a jerk sometimes,” he adds.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, fuck you too,” Alex scoffs, but keeps it neutral – he knows Jacob’s messing with him.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s more like it,” Jacob winks, sticking out a fist. Alex feels awkward about leaving him hanging, so he bumps the fist back with his own.</p><p> </p><p>“So uh, if you don’t mind me asking –” Alex starts, instinctively glancing around to search for prying eyes and ears. “Where did you get your shit from?”</p><p> </p><p>He almost regrets asking that the moment he opened his mouth. It’s not like he’s surprised by Jacob’s answer, either. “Well – I got my stuff from—never mind you don’t know him—but back when he—” Jacob starts, wrinkling his nose and wiping a palm against his face at the mention.</p><p> </p><p>Alex winces a little at that.</p><p> </p><p>“—Was still alive,” Jacob finishes, smiling slightly to curtail the negative reminder. “I’ll fill you in on more details if you’re interested now, though.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares blankly at him, calm blue eyes searching Jacob’s own for anything ulterior. He doesn’t know whether to be relieved or even more suspicious when he finds nothing. There are loads of things they don’t talk about, and it’s even rarer for them to find opportunities to make small talk like this, though Alex attributes that to their conflicting schedules and his tendency to avoid Jacob.</p><p> </p><p>It doesn’t help that whenever he sees Jacob now he’s reminded of that fateful night a little less than one year ago. 82. Number 82. And now here he is, at Berkeley. It’s like all the cards are falling right where they shouldn’t. Alex would be fine with this if Jacob didn’t approach Jess at the party like that. He’d be okay with it too if Jacob didn’t know Bryce, either.</p><p> </p><p>But he’s not so lucky.</p><p> </p><p>“What do you see in Jess, by the way?” Alex suddenly asks, eager to change the subject. But that’s not the only reason – he’s been meaning to ask this for some time now, after realizing why he recognized Jacob. “You know, considering she—” Alex begins. <em>Ruined your Homecoming game.</em> “Probably didn't know at first that you were a player for Hillcrest.”</p><p> </p><p>Jacob looks stunned by the question and briefly pauses his movements, slowly letting the weights fall back into their resting position before turning his head sharply. “What do you mean?” He asks, furrowing his brows. “She’s hot,” he adds. “And she’s your friend so I—”</p><p> </p><p>“My ex, actually,” Alex corrects. It’s not a lie – even if it’s hardly relevant to the situation. It doesn’t matter to him that Jess is his ex. He barely cares about that anymore.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh,” Jacob says after a long pause. It looks like the blood has drained from his face when he opens his mouth again. “Shit, I’m sorry Alex, I didn’t— I thought you were gay.”</p><p> </p><p>“No, it’s fine, I don’t really care anymore,” Alex nods, raising a hand slightly to reaffirm himself. “Just – why?” He says, treading carefully.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh…” Jacob starts, a hand in his hair. “What-what do you mean?” He says. “She’s pretty, it’s just a casual thing, I don’t see the issue.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex scoffs at that – and not because he’s particularly upset with Jacob. If he’s being frank, he’s found himself giving less and less of a shit about this the past few weeks. It doesn’t help that Jess isn’t responding to his texts, or that he recently found out from Jacob that Jess had gotten tested with Diego months ago without telling him.</p><p> </p><p>Or the million other things he never got to say to her.</p><p> </p><p>“Nothing, never mind,” Alex finally admits, before turning around to grab his stuff to leave. “And I won’t say anything – I don’t think she wants to talk to me right now, anyway,” he says icily. Jacob’s looking at him with a confused look on his face, and Alex couldn’t care less. He looks at the time. It’s getting late. “I’m heading to class; I’ll see you later.”</p><p> </p><p>A few things are going through his mind, but Alex feels a weight lifted off his chest with that admission about Jacob and Jess. He was right – Jacob had seen her before – Jess just didn’t remember. He thinks bitterly at that – it’s not like withholding information from one another is anything new in their friendship/relationship whatever he wants to call it over the 4 years they’ve known each other.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hesitates a brief moment when he’s reminded of Charlie’s words, ringing in his ears – <em>“You know you have to tell Jess, right?”</em></p><p> </p><p>And then it all fades when Jacob calls out his name again.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” Alex says, rotating his head just slightly so he can get a better view of Jacob.</p><p> </p><p>“If you still need help, you know, with bulking—” he begins, neutral and cordial.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll reach out to you,” Alex confirms with a few raised fingers, even if he doesn’t really plan or intend to. When Jacob nods back at him and turns his attention to his workout regimen, Alex takes the opportunity to scan Jacob’s expression. There’s no hostility. Alex still isn’t sure what to think of Jacob’s admission about Jess. But at least Jacob doesn’t seem hostile about it.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>It's late at night now, and Alex is back in the comfort of his dorm after a long day of classes.</p><p> </p><p>“—so like, they’re having me sing in front of the whole fucking department tomorrow,” Zach’s voice finds its way through the speakers of the phone.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow, Zach, that’s great,” Alex says back supportively. “Are you enjoying your program? How did your mom react to finding out it <em>wasn’t</em> for piano and violin after all?” He chuckles, shifting around in the bed of his dorm.</p><p> </p><p>Zach laughs nervously at the end of the line. “Yeah – she wasn’t too happy, but she thinks I can do well,” he confirms. “And it’s great – I like it, even if it feels different, you know, from basically everything.”</p><p> </p><p>“Better than drinking all day,” Alex says, meaning for it to be a joke.</p><p> </p><p>“…Yeah,” Zach adds after a brief pause.</p><p> </p><p>Alex bites his tongue at that. “Shit—sorry I didn’t mean to—”</p><p> </p><p>“Nah, man, it’s cool,” Zach murmurs, clearing his throat. “You’re right. I don’t miss those days. We’re better now – you and I.”</p><p> </p><p><em>Those days</em> – Alex thinks bitterly and sourly at that. Days of wallowing in guilt, waking up just to get through another 16 hours, and hoping, <em>praying </em>that the nightmare that was Bryce’s death would just go away and disappear. If one good thing came out of it all, it’s Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah, we are,” Alex answers, soft and almost a whisper. “I’m glad. And I’m glad I have Charlie now, too.”</p><p> </p><p>“Yup,” Zach confirms, clearing his throat. “I’m happy for you, Alex.”</p><p> </p><p>There’s a small part of Alex that still remembers and thinks back to the kiss he and Zach shared. It’s not that he still has feelings for Zach – and he’s not worried for the opposite either; he knows Zach is straight. It was just such an awakening moment for him, navigating his sexuality, realizing that he was into both men and women. Not to mention Zach had practically saved his life then and there.</p><p> </p><p>“Zach,” Alex suddenly says again. “You know – you remember when you said… Liberty Tigers play clean?” He adds, running a hand through his hair at the memory. He instinctively glances over at the door, tightly shut. Jacob’s still out.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah?” Zach asks, neutral. “What about it?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well – you know, I’m still trying to bulk up,” Alex says, eyes flickering over to the door again, almost in instinct. “And I was just wondering what your thoughts were—”</p><p> </p><p>“No, Alex,” Zach says, firm and almost too quickly. “You told me you’d stop juicing.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs, throwing up a hand in the air. “Yeah, well that was because I didn’t want to implicate myself during that… fucking investigation,” he spits out the words, Bryce and then Jacob crossing his mind when he says it. “Besides, you bailed out Justin that one time during the game.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex can hear Zach scoffing in the background. “Come on, man, you know you can do better than that,” he says, reassuring. “And that was one time with Justin. I don't endorse that, you know. Besides, what would Charlie think?"</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t bring Charlie into this—”</p><p> </p><p>“Well then don’t—” Zach says, clearing his throat and gathering his composure from across the line. “You’ve got a fresh start at school. Remember the promise we made?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs, letting his phone fall onto to his bed with a small thud. He switches to speaker, waits for Zach to say something – but nothing comes out. Zach’s done, and it’s Alex’s turn to answer him back. “That you’d stop drinking—and that I wouldn’t juice again,” he finishes. “Right?”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, I’ve held up my end of the bargain,” Zach says cheerily. “Been sober since that day.”</p><p> </p><p>“That’s like, 2 months,” Alex says matter-of-factly.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s a fucking start, man,” Zach chides back, but chuckles, nonetheless.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Alex says back, slow and melancholic. “It really is…” He whispers but smiles a little. Zach is doing better. And now it's also Alex's turn.</p><p> </p><p>They end their call soon after that, and Alex is lying on the bed, blankets and everything under him, still dressed in street clothes. He’s staring at the ceiling, running a hand through his hair. He’s glad he can still talk to Zach, even if they’ve both gotten quite busy as of now. Sometimes he wonders how everyone else is doing – Clay, Ani, and Tony. He’s never been as close to them as he was with Jess, Zach, Tyler, and now Charlie, but it does cross his mind every now and then.</p><p> </p><p>Alex closes his eyes, wondering what future there is in store for all of them. How everyone is doing now that they’ve escaped the nightmare that was Liberty High. Those 4 years together fundamentally changed them, and he wonders if anyone else is still struggling with the ghosts of their past.</p><p> </p><p>If anyone’s seeking professional help, anymore.</p><p> </p><p>And then it all fades away when his phone rings again. Alex glances over at the screen, and he instantly feels a little more at ease when he sees it’s Charlie with a facetime call. Grinning, he taps the call button, and Charlie's voice comes through like the song of the wind.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey Alex," Charlie says, smiling brightly from the comfort of his room. Alex giggles when he sees his boyfriend already in PJs.</p><p> </p><p>"Hey, Charlie," Alex grins back. </p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Chapter 10 Teaser</span> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“I told you not to eat the third cookie,” Charlie teases, pressing a chaste kiss against Alex’s lips as they move in sync on the bed, hands exploring one another like it’s the first time all over again. Alex hears what Charlie’s saying, but it’s like it’s all slowed down.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>The room looks brighter than usual, and Alex is confident the weed is hitting him like a truck. Charlie’s weed cookies are no joke, and he remembers faintly being told not to eat a second cookie way back when they were at the find-your-drink party together.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Well fuck, he’s had three this time.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m so… high… right now,” Alex giggles back, his mind going blank when Charlie giggles into their kiss, before slipping a hand under his shirt, fingers crawling on his all-too sensitive flushed skin.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Have you ever… had sex.. while high?” Charlie inquires, cloudy blue eyes holding Alex’s own. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>It makes Alex’s heart thump faster in his chest, his cock twitch in his all too tight pants with excitement at the prospect. “No,” he finally admits. “But… I’d like to try,” he finishes licking his lips.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Charlie grins at that, using his remaining free hand to cup Alex’s cheek, before running his fingers through Alex’s soft, auburn hair. Charlie’s touches make Alex whimper with anticipation and tremble with desire. The weed, small amounts of alcohol, and arousal make for a deadly combination. How can he be so turned on yet so strangely calm at the same time?</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“No condom this time?” Charlie coos, innocent puppy eyes twinkling.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex smirks back at him, reminding himself that they’re both STD-free as confirmed by the test results. Perfect. “No condom,” he winks.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>If you enjoyed it, please consider leaving a review, it keeps me motivated, especially when I consider I'm seeing over 30 chapters to be written for this story before it comes to completion.</p><p>Eyes on the upcoming smut next chapter.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Homecoming - Part I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Charlie's visiting Alex at Berkeley during Homecoming.</p><p>Alex is excited at the prospect of seeing his boyfriend again and doing more than just cuddles this time, though he's also carrying a burden he can't shake off.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here's Chapter 10 guys! </p><p>Advanced warning - quite smutty here. Same as Chapter 2 - Blowjobs. Anal. Frotting. Descriptions of sex while high, that sort of stuff. </p><p>And your typical college party shenanigans.</p><p>Hope you guys enjoy!<br/>Special thanks again to syazzypanda for being an amazing beta reader, and the rest of the Chalex community for supporting me!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>"I be getting high just to balance out the lows"</em>
</p><p><strong>-</strong> <strong>Unknown</strong></p><p> </p><p> </p><h3>
  <strong><span class="u">October 17<sup>th</sup>, 2019</span> </strong>
</h3><p>Alex couldn’t get any rest in preparation for Homecoming. One, because half the students on his floor decided to party hard on Friday night instead of saving their energy for Saturday, and two, because he was too excited. Alex still isn’t a party person – he doesn’t think he’ll really ever be one. The last party he went to back in September where Jacob invited him was a good indicator.</p><p> </p><p>Though he also had way too much to drink that time. But this time is different. Charlie’s coming – and this isn’t one of those high school parties where you have to worry about the threat of your parents crashing by and dragging you out by the arm in anger. This is a freaking college party, where anything and everything goes.</p><p> </p><p>And perhaps, it’s not a good thing either – if high school parties were any indicator of shit that could go terribly, terribly wrong, then college parties might be even worse. Still, Alex is more comfortable with the idea now than he was before. He remembers that back at Liberty High that sometimes he’d be excluded from the biggest parties.</p><p> </p><p>The host would say something like ‘there’s no way I’m serving alcohol and weed to a cop’s son’, and Alex would understand, though he hated it. But now? Things are different. He’s away from home, Charlie’s on his way here with his weed cookies, and Alex grants himself this moment, this weekend to just forget about everything, and try to live life like Zach told him.</p><p> </p><p>He deserves to live.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is just finishing up getting ready for the day, when he hears his phone buzz. Glancing at the screen, it lights up, and a smile forms on his lips when he sees that it’s a text from Charlie.</p><p> </p><p><strong>(Just now) </strong>Charlie ♥: <em>Just outside now.</em></p><p><strong>(Just now) </strong>Charlie ♥: <em>Wanna come get me</em>?</p><p> </p><p>Alex grins at that. He replies with a quick ‘be right there’, before throwing on a hoodie, absent-mindedly spitting out the toothpaste. He takes a moment to glance into the mirror – his reflection imitating his every action without fail again. It’s a little disconcerting, and Alex frowns when he sees the stain that he removed last week back again.</p><p> </p><p>Why is it there? It’s such a small, inconsequential thing, and yet it bothers him so much. Like some pet peeve, some growing annoyance in the corner of his mind that he can’t quite shake off. It’s a shared washroom – he shares it with a few other guys on the floor. And so it shouldn’t be some surprise if there’s a stain on the mirror. Not everyone has the same level of cleanliness or the same care for maintaining shared spaces.</p><p> </p><p>But for some reason, he can’t shake it off his mind.</p><p> </p><p>Grumbling, he soaks the tissue with water, and gently rubs it against the mirror, the stain slowly wiped away. And instantly, he feels better – until his phone buzzes again.</p><p> </p><p><strong>(Just now) </strong>Charlie ♥: <em>You okay Lex?</em></p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh, taking his phone, grabbing his shoes, and makes his way down to the lobby of Unit 1, smiles ready. Charlie’s waiting for him, a bouquet of flowers ready, and it’s enough to make Alex’s heart melt when Charlie takes him into his arms.</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously, you didn’t have to,” Alex says, stealing a quick kiss. “I don’t think I can keep them alive for very long,” he adds.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie shrugs at that. “Oh, uh… They’re kind of already dead, Lex – the most you can do is prevent them from wilting, but the whole point of it is to be happy at the moment,” he explains matter-of-factly, gesticulating in true Charlie fashion.</p><p> </p><p>“Whatever,” Alex rolls his eyes, taking the flowers up to the room. Alex is grateful that Charlie doesn’t ask where Jacob is. They’ll get to that later – thankfully though, Jacob’s going to be out for most of the weekend. He has the room to himself.</p><p> </p><p>“Did you bring the…” Alex starts, eyes twinkling when he sees that Charlie already knows what he’s talking about.</p><p> </p><p>“Right over here,” he chuckles, producing a bag of cookies with a devilish grin. “Laced with venom, no doubt.”</p><p> </p><p>“If weed was a poison.”</p><p> </p><p>“Well, then you and I’d be dead, or on the way to the ER,” Charlie smirks, before pressing a kiss against Alex’s lips. Alex is rolling his eyes at Charlie’s verbiage, but Charlie’s touch is already making his head spin. He keeps it at bay, breaking their kiss with a firm finger against Charlie’s lips. “Soon. Let’s hit the streets first. Where the party’s happening.”</p><p> </p><p>It’s almost like a bloodbath when they reach the streets surrounding the campus. Police have been preemptively called in to reign in the chaos. Alex has heard stories before. Every single year, people get arrested, many more sent to the hospital due to various misfortunes. For every police controlling the sections blocked off to control the crowd, there are hundreds of students with open containers of alcohol.</p><p> </p><p>Illegal, yes – but unenforceable. Besides, they’re not 21 either.</p><p> </p><p>“Wow,” Charlie breathes. “Glad I parked far from here,” he rolls his eyes.</p><p> </p><p>Cautiously, they make their way into the fray of cheering, hooting, loud music blasting from various speakerphones, and more alcohol. The smell of weed hangs in the air, and it’s not long before the boyfriends devour their first weed-laced cookie.</p><p> </p><p>“I’d hold off on the second one,” Charlie warns, but Alex takes it as a challenge. He doesn’t know if he’ll regret it later, but he’s too engrossed in the moment to pay heed to it.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is keen on getting at least a little bit of alcohol into his system, so when Charlie says that he hasn’t brought any, they both settle for chatting up with a few of the guys Alex recognizes from Jacob’s party just a month back. Alex has to remind himself for a moment that he doesn’t know them all too well. So although he wants to hold Charlie’s hand, he’s not keen on getting into a fight with a potentially homophobic frat boy.</p><p> </p><p>“Cheers,” he says, and when the coast is clear, away from the eyes of roaming police, the vodka goes down in a flash. It’s a little strange, how he barely knows these guys, but they’re bonding almost right away. It’s the homecoming spirit, the Berkeley spirit that’s holding what is basically a group of strangers together. The next half hour or so goes by in a flash, with Charlie ensuring that Alex isn’t drinking beyond his limits. It’s not long before Charlie has to use the restroom, and one of the guys directs him to the closest house (‘relax, everyone’s house in this street becomes mine and yours for the weekend’).</p><p> </p><p>Alex frowns at that but relents, and Charlie smiles warmly at him, a light tap on his arm, before moving away.</p><p> </p><p>It gives Alex a moment of solitude. Standing on the street with a bunch of guys he barely knows but is bonding with by the moment. Alex admits he enjoys this a little more than he would like to admit. “Thanks, guys,” he nods, tapping one of them on the shoulder.</p><p> </p><p>But when he turns to trace Charlie’s footsteps into the house, he lays his eyes on someone he wasn’t expecting to see or talk to. He knows her. Alex would recognize her anywhere. From the way she’s dressed, the way her hair falls in these beautiful curls. And then like an entrancing breeze, it’s like the rest of the world just falls away. No sounds, no background noise, no frat boy screaming.</p><p> </p><p>It’s just him. And <em>her.</em></p><p> </p><p>Jessica.</p><p> </p><p>Their eyes meet. And although Jess is standing a good twenty yards away, their eyes meet clear as day. Alex steels himself, almost expecting Jess to start making her way towards him. But nothing happens. She doesn’t say anything, but her eyes tell the whole story. There’s so much left unsaid between them. And Alex knows this just as well as Jess does.</p><p> </p><p>Withholding information from one another has become a defining wedge in their relationship and friendship despite these years of trying to make a romance work. They’ve lied to one another, hurt one another, been through heaven and hell together.</p><p> </p><p>There are things Alex can’t let go of.</p><p> </p><p>Though there’s a part of him that’s called Jess his best friend, along with Zach and Tyler, there’s also a part of him that sees her as the ex who broke his heart. Alex hasn’t gotten over Jess cheating on him with Justin for months before ending things for good. And it hurt even more when Alex had to put the puzzle pieces together himself. The potential STDs were just the tip of the iceberg.</p><p> </p><p>For a moment, Jessica looks like she’s about to say something, to close the distance between them. But she doesn’t. She just looks back at him in displeasure. And while Alex might have felt guilty about this years ago, it’s all gone now.</p><p> </p><p>He thinks back to the conversation they had, some few weeks ago. It makes him angrier by the moment. And when he thinks of that, his mind wanders again. Alex opens his eyes again, and he’s back where it all started. Back where this never-ending nightmare began.</p><p> </p><p>Crestmont Pier.</p><hr/><p>
  <span class="u">
    <strong>November 2nd, 2018</strong>
  </span>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’ve hurt everyone I ever loved,” Alex finally says with bone-chilling calmness.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Bryce is staring back at him, with cold fury in his eyes. But it’s not meant for Alex. No. It’s intended for Zach. Jess. Two of the people he’d give his life for. And suddenly, anger washes over Alex. His visions turning red, as something snaps, something deep in him breaks. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Alex knows that Bryce has a broken arm and leg. He knows that Bryce is in no position to fight him off. And for the first time in his life, he relishes in this. Knowing that he has absolute control of the situation at hand. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>He thinks again of Hannah, wallowing in guilt and regret at himself for not being able to save her. How Bryce raped her right in front of Alex, and he didn’t know. It makes him sick; it makes him nauseous with cold, unbridled fury and rage.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Gritting his teeth, he starts shoving Bryce violently towards the water. Nothing is going through his mind. It’s all static, it’s all rage. His vision is red, seeing nothing but the enemy in his arms, a threat that must be removed, destroyed by any means necessary. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Alex, what the fuck?!” Bryce roars, trying to push back to no avail. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>Bryce’s words aren’t registering. Alex doesn’t hear anything. All he hears are the cries of a rapist, a fiend, a monster. Bryce is flailing out, trying to push him off. But he’s no match for Alex in his state. Alex pushes again, this time more forcefully, so much so that he hears Jess gasp in shock behind him.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>This is for you,<em> Alex thinks to himself, redoubling his efforts as Bryce starts to lose balance, one foot sliding off the concrete.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Shit!” Bryce cries out, and with one final push, Alex shoves Bryce into the water. </em>
</p><hr/><p>
  <span class="u">Now</span>
</p><p>He doesn’t realize when he returns to the scene before him. He’s breathing hard, shaking to the point of trembling at the memory. Jess was there. Both of them were. And yet he’s the one to bear all the guilt like this. It rankles to think about how their lives have been permanently changed by that one, fateful night.</p><p> </p><p>And now they’re both trying to outrun it on a collision course.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks away, trying to clear his mind, he refocuses himself on his original mission – to go find Charlie. Charlie’s just about walking out of the house when Alex finds him, taking Charlie by the hand.</p><p> </p><p>“Come on, let’s go back now,” Alex says, a little hastily, and they make their way through the haze of people. For a split second, he turns around to glance behind him, to see if Jess is still there, watching him.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex doesn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed that she’s not there anymore.</p><p> </p><p>He just wants to disappear from here.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>Communication barriers and mishaps like what just happened don’t exist between the skin of their palms.</p><p> </p><p>For Alex and Charlie who are plagued by distance in their relationship, being able to do this together, to <em>be with one another</em> like this is sobering. Alone together, with nothing between them but the clothes on their skin.</p><p> </p><p>Despite Charlie’s protests, Alex devours the third weed-laced cookie, though Charlie quickly follows suit, and it’s not long before their hands are on one another again amidst kisses, teasing touches, and teasing comments here and there as the effects of the weed rapidly overcome them.</p><p> </p><p>“I told you not to eat the third cookie,” Charlie teases, pressing another chaste kiss against Alex’s lips as they move in sync on the bed, hands exploring one another like it’s the first time all over again. Alex hears what Charlie’s saying, but it’s like it’s all slowed down.</p><p> </p><p>The room looks brighter than usual, and Alex is confident the weed is hitting him like a truck. Charlie’s weed cookies are no joke, and he remembers faintly being told not to eat a second cookie way back when they were at the find-your-drink party together.</p><p> </p><p>Well <em>fuck</em>, he’s had three this time.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m so… high… right now,” Alex giggles back, his mind going blank when Charlie giggles into their kiss, before slipping a hand under his shirt, fingers crawling on his all-too sensitive flushed skin.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you ever… had sex.. while high?” Charlie inquires, cloudy blue eyes holding Alex’s own.</p><p> </p><p>It makes Alex’s heart thump faster in his chest, his cock twitch in his all too tight pants with excitement at the prospect. “No,” he finally admits. “But… I’d like to try,” he finishes licking his lips. His gaze meets Charlie's own cloudy blue eyes. He's so beautiful. "Have you?"</p><p> </p><p>Charlie grins at that, using his remaining free hand to cup Alex’s chin, before running his fingers through Alex’s soft, auburn hair. Charlie’s touches make Alex whimper with anticipation and tremble with desire. The weed, small amounts of alcohol, and arousal make for a deadly combination. How can he be so turned on yet so strangely calm at the same time? "No," he finally answers. "But... I can't wait to," </p><p> </p><p>Alex shivers pleasurably at that. </p><p> </p><p>“No condom this time?” Charlie coos, innocent puppy eyes twinkling.</p><p> </p><p>Alex smirks back at him, reminding himself that they’re both STD-free as confirmed by the test results. Perfect. “No condom,” he winks.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie smirks at that, pressing his lips down on Alex’s again, wet, needy, desperate for more. To Alex, this is euphoria incarnate. His mind is buzzing, but it’s a pleasant, high buzz, amplifying every little thing that Charlie’s doing. He moans breathlessly, whimpering when Charlie’s hand moves higher from under his shirt, grazing his chest, where he’s hoping has developed a little more muscle mass than before.</p><p> </p><p>“Hitting the gym, I see?” Charlie giggles, but there’s nothing derisive about it. His voice is soft, delicate, sweet like caramel. It’s so entrancing that Alex swears if he weren’t already hard, Charlie talking to him like this would get him there. “You look beautiful no matter what,” Charlie licks his lips, before pressing them down again, this time on Alex’s collarbone, where he’s made sure to apply the slightest touch of cologne.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s scent mixed with his own cologne makes Alex’s head spin, dizzy with desire. Desperate, needy for more, Alex starts to reciprocate the touch, hasty fingers removing Charlie’s sweater, and then his dress shirt. Alex smirks at that, being able to unbutton each and every single one slowly.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you… want me?” Alex breathes, his vision hazy, pleasure coursing through his veins as Charlie ruts him against him, pressing a knee in between Alex’s thighs. “Do… you want me… the way I want you?” He asks again, moaning when Charlie moves in closer, rubbing Alex’s cock through the thin fabric with his knee.</p><p> </p><p>It’s enough to make Alex whine out in pleasure, throwing his head back, moaning with every little movement Charlie makes. “I do,” Charlie finally responds, smirking when Alex pulls him back down for another kiss, steamy, passionate, and wet.</p><p> </p><p>And in moments, their clothes hit the floor, and it’s just nothing but air that separates them. Gasping, panting, trying to focus his vision, Alex leans back, lying flat on the bed when Charlie’s mouth presses down on his neck, sucking with a force that Alex is certain will leave hickeys. He doesn’t care. Maybe it’s the alcohol and weed in his system, but in some twisted, perverted manner, it’s like he’s showing the world that it’s Charlie’s doing. His boyfriend. <em>His</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s working with a steady rhythm, one hand roaming Alex’s chest, one hand on Alex’s throbbing cock. Alex has to resist thrusting into Charlie’s hand, worried that if he goes too hard, too fast, that he’ll come right on the spot.</p><p> </p><p>It’s electric; it’s fire, it’s everything.</p><p> </p><p>“Suck… suck my dick,” Alex breathes, taking a moment to realize just how vulgar that really sounds. Like he’s just trying to fuck Charlie rather than make love to him. But it’s a fleeting thought, because in the next moment, Charlie’s cupping Alex’s ass and pulling him up to his chest, just close enough so that Alex’s cock is right there, in front of Charlie’s mouth to kiss. With a grin, he moves in, flicking his tongue over the tip, then grazing the underside of Alex’s cock.</p><p> </p><p>Alex knows by now that Charlie’s picked up on where Alex is most sensitive. This is only the third time they’ve fully fucked, but it’s like Charlie’s got him all figured out. Charlie’s tongue moves again, drawing a hiss of pleasure from Alex’s lips, before taking in Alex’s entire erect length. It’s so good, it’s so warm, Alex has to resist thrusting yet again, reminding himself that the last time he tried this, it made Charlie choke.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hates to admit that it also made him feel good. Charlie choking on his cock like that. And he’s wondering if he’s only thinking this now because he’s so fucking high, he’s lost it all – and yet it feels just as good, if not better.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s so damn good at this, and it’s almost obscene how sensitive Alex is right now. He slaps a hand over his mouth to let out what would be an embarrassingly high pitched moan, and then when Charlie bobs down, running his tongue over Alex’s shaft, covering his cock in kisses, Alex bites into his knuckles. And when he opens his eyes, Charlie’s doing those damn puppy eyes, gazing at him with such lust and desire that it’s almost enough to send him over the edge right there.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck…” Alex exhales, forcing himself under control when Charlie stops sucking. There’s a bit of saliva dripping down his chin, and it’s disgusting, messy really, but the way Charlie’s giggling, shaking his head adorably as he makes his way back up to kiss Alex back makes his head spin again.</p><p> </p><p>They rest their foreheads against one another, with Charlie smiling at the boy just under him. “Are you… are you ready?” Charlie whispers, his voice barely audible. His features are warped, distorted under the high of his vision, but for some reason he looks even hotter than he did before. Seeing Charlie naked like this, on top of him, in all his unadulterated glory. It’s driving Alex wild, and he has to hold himself down to keep him from giving into carnal pleasure.</p><p> </p><p>“Do you….” Alex looks up at Charlie, grinning when he sees Charlie’s lips deliciously red from their passionate kisses, aching for more. He swallows, a moment of doubt washing over him for some reason, and despite his high, remembers the last time he tried this. Charlie’s clearly picking up on it, caressing the soft flesh of Alex’s inner thighs, teasing, stopping short of pleasuring Alex’s cock, even as Alex has got his own hand around Charlie’s larger shaft. “Do you wanna… let me top you?” Alex gets out, his vision hazy. “Again?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie just smiles at that. Their current position has Charlie on top, obviously, but Charlie knows very much Alex prefers cowboy like this. It makes Alex nervous for a split second, because the last time they tried this, after Charlie’s first football game, Alex couldn’t finish. Condoms have always been his worst enemy and being nervous about topping Charlie for the first time didn’t help either.</p><p> </p><p>But somehow, Alex is certain it’ll be different this time.</p><p> </p><p>“You… want me… to ride you?” Charlie gets out with a grin, and Alex nods back at him. <em>Yes.</em> Alex wants this. He’s been wanting to try this again, even if part of it is a self-worth thing.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Charlie says back quickly, but Alex isn’t quite ready yet. He wants to pleasure Charlie first, he wants to make his boyfriend feel pleasure the way he’s feeling. They switch positions, Charlie lying on his back now, with Alex on top of him. Alex’s lips are on Charlie’s cock again, still obscenely hard, leaking pre-come.</p><p> </p><p>Alex too, feels more confident giving a blowjob compared to their first time together. He starts off slow, teasing, one hand gently pumping Charlie’s thick cock while his lips find their way down to his balls. Grinning, Alex licks the underside of Charlie’s cock, before moving back down, making sure Charlie’s balls are pleasured too. In moments, Charlie’s the one moaning, crying out Alex’s name, arching his back in pleasure at Alex’s touches.</p><p> </p><p>Alex grins at this. Charlie’s so damn sensitive too, Alex is certain if he keeps this up, Charlie will come at any moment. And he doesn’t want that. He wants to fuck Charlie. He wants Charlie to ride him, making love to one another like this.</p><p> </p><p>So Alex relents, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand before quickly kissing Charlie’s slightly parted lips, aching for more. He then crawls over to the nightstand to pull out a bottle of lube. A jolt of excitement finds its way down his spine as Alex realizes he’s about to do this again.</p><p> </p><p>Alex coats his finger with a generous amount of lube, his eyes never once leaving Charlie’s. The intensity of Charlie’s gaze is piercing, and Alex feels for a moment he could get lost in Charlie’s endless blue depths. The color contrast is stunning, and Alex is certain the weed’s amplifying all of this to extremes. Alex starts off slowly, inserting the first finger. And to his surprise, Charlie doesn’t immediately tense up, but his breath hitches, crying out for more.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s relaxed, giving Alex more room to work with, and Charlie eventually rocks back onto Alex’s fingers, nodding that it’s okay for Alex to do more, that Charlie <em>wants </em>to take more, so Alex complies, pushing in a second finger, scissoring them, in and out. It’s not long before Alex finds Charlie’s prostate, and he has to kiss the whimpers away from Charlie’s lips when he starts prodding at it.</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck…” Charlie breathes, throwing his head back in pleasure. “I want… I want you to fuck me,” he says, breathless, wanting more and more.</p><p> </p><p>“Will do,” Alex says back with a smirk, withdrawing his fingers, revealing the throbbing ring of flesh. Alex clears his throat, giving his neglected cock a few pumps to get himself back up to full hardness. Charlie slow inches forward until he’s almost on top of Alex, his legs spread out, his eyes never leaving Alex’s own.</p><p> </p><p>They kiss again, wet and hungry, and any fog, any confusion or worry that was still in Alex’s mind vanishes. He wants this. He wants to be inside of Charlie, fucking him, making love to him. Charlie’s inching closer, bit by bit, until he’s practically right on top of Alex. Their eyes don’t leave one another. Not even when Charlie moves down onto his cock, closing his eyes in pleasure as Alex’s length slowly fills him up. The warmth of Charlie’s ass around his cock is enough to send him over the edge. Charlie’s so well lubed up, Alex can slide in effortlessly.</p><p> </p><p>It takes all his self-control to not start fucking Charlie then and there.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, Alex pushes forward again, immediately feeling the muscles in Charlie’s toned thighs clench reflexively. It’s so good, and it’s so warm, it’s everything. Charlie’s mumbling something incoherent, a mess of pleasurable curses leaving his lips when Alex lets go of one of Charlie’s legs to circle his fingers around Charlie’s cock again. Charlie’s breath hitches when Alex thumbs the tip of his cock, drawing pre-come when he takes his thumb off.</p><p> </p><p>Slowly, he starts jerking the taller boy off, until he’s certain that Charlie’s not just focused on the sensation of Alex’s cock buried in his ass. They adjust their position again before Alex finally starts pushing into the other boy’s ass until all he can see, and feel is the growing heat around his cock. Charlie’s tightness, his cologne, his scent, everything is like a deadly drug.</p><p> </p><p>“This good?” Alex asks, a moment of worry when Charlie lets out a weighty moan. He’s afraid still. Not just that he can’t do this, but more importantly, that he could hurt Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>It hurts even to think about it.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” Charlie says back. “Yeah… More than good,” he grins, moving in sync with Alex beneath him, thrusting into him.</p><p> </p><p>And just like that, Alex feels relieved again.</p><p> </p><p>The tingling sensation in the pit of Alex’s core is nearly unbearable. Alex doesn’t know how long he can keep this up before coming. Stamina usually’s not a huge issue for him, but it’s like today’s a totally new Alex. He doesn’t want it to end yet, however, so he grits his teeth, holding onto the pleasure that’s crashing him over and over again. Alex hasn’t forgotten that he still has a hand on Charlie’s cock, who’s movements are doing the work for him.</p><p> </p><p>Alex picks up the pace, knowing just where to aim to hit Charlie’s prostate. It’s not easy, though, and for a moment, he has to let go of Charlie’s cock to give his full, undivided attention to pleasuring Charlie like this. Charlie’s hands are on Alex, his adorable features scrunched up in pleasure as he arches forward, finding refuge in the crook of Alex’s neck. It’s a little difficult, because Charlie’s actually the taller of the two, but they make it work, and in moments, the only sounds in the room are the slamming of skin against skin, and their erratic, pleasure-filled breaths.</p><p> </p><p>Alex knows the signs. The flush of Charlie’s skin, the clenching in his thighs, his weighty breaths. Charlie’s close. He’s so very close.</p><p> </p><p>Alex meets Charlie’s eyes again. Charlie’s pupils are so dilated, and it’s almost enough to cover all of the blueness that usually gives it such radiance. The intensity of Charlie’s gaze nearly drives him over the edge, and Alex takes in a shuddering breath.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re… beautiful,” Alex whispers out amidst a pang of guilt.  </p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s looking back at him, lips parted in stupor, his nails digging into Alex’s shoulder as the pleasure cascades through his body.</p><p> </p><p>“I want… I want… to make you come,” Alex blurts out, hoarse and desperate.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie nods silently at that. Alex starts to move again, driving his cock into the quivering warmth of Charlie’s ass. Pleasure’s surging through is body, making his fingers tingle, his toes curl. Charlie’s cock is leaking pre-come, and it’s almost vulgar looking the way it spills on both of their torsos, so close up like this. Feeling Charlie’s chest against his, Charlie’s cock rutting up against his stomach. Charlie opens his eyes again, wavering only when Alex hits his prostate once more, hard, but <em>fuck </em>does it feel good. For a moment, Charlie’s hand flies towards his cock, instinctive, his eyes on Alex, ready to be the agent to his own orgasm.</p><p> </p><p>But he stops. His eyes are on Alex, and Alex draws in a shuddering breath when he realizes that Charlie’s telling him wordlessly to make him come. That he’s confident that Alex can do this. Charlie has given him the stick to beat him with, and Alex isn’t one to resist the temptation, the challenge, of making his all-too-adorable boyfriend come from fucking him like this.</p><p> </p><p>“Al…Alex,” Charlie finally lets out, moaning incoherently.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is hardly registering the words. He knows Charlie’s calling out his name, somehow. Charlie’s gripping onto Alex for dear life. The pleasure is so great that Alex is lost in a haze of ecstasy, forgetting everything, losing sight of everything, just the pleasure of being inside of Charlie, inside the man he loved and was making love to.</p><p> </p><p>For a split-second, Jess makes her way into his mind. The way she glared at him, the unspoken tension between them, threatening to boil over. And then just like that it’s all gone again. It’s just him and Charlie in the room.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie calls out his name again, louder. The rhythm is being broken. Alex can see a sheen of sweat covering Charlie’s athletic, larger frame, the tenseness of his triceps as he grips onto his shoulders. Charlie’s face is scrunched up in pleasure, biting his lower lip. He’s beautiful. Their breaths are a ragged mess, Alex ramming into him wildly, making both of their visions go blank as the unfettered arousal cascaded through their bodies.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex!” Charlie calls out his name one final time, before crying out in unadulterated pleasure in his orgasm. Alex watches with carnal delight as his boyfriend arches his back, his body trembling violently with the force of his orgasm, ropes of come spurting from Charlie’s cock all over his own body and Alex’s chest.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex can’t hold it in anymore. Charlie’s thighs are trembling uncontrollably with the force of his orgasm, and it’s enough to push Alex just over the edge that he’s been holding onto for so long. Alex’s vision goes white, pleasure surging through his veins as he comes in Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Alex gasps, completely lost in the intensity of his orgasm, heaving hard, holding Charlie tight around his arms as his cock is still pulsing, shooting into Charlie. And finally, it’s over, with Alex collapsing onto Charlie’s frame, exhausted, panting, and shivering. He pulls out, instinctively grabbing a tissue when he notices his come leaking out of Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“Don’t worry about that right now,” Charlie says back to him, reaching out a hand to drag Alex back onto the bed with him, before kissing softly. It’s kind of gross, but Alex rationalizes that the bedsheets are going to have to be washed no matter what. So he settles for this.</p><p> </p><p>Alex nods silently, wordlessly collapsing into Charlie’s warm embrace. His ears are still ringing, and his blood is still rushing, his vision is still blurred. And slowly but surely, Alex realizes the high is beginning to recede. It felt good. It still does. He successfully topped Charlie, he made love to the boy he loves so much and calls his.</p><p> </p><p>But when his eyes meet Charlie’s, Alex starts to cry.</p><p> </p><p>And he doesn’t know why. He doesn’t know why he feels this way. He should be happy, elated, riding the high of his post-orgasm along with the weed and alcohol coursing through his blood. But try as he might, the feelings of sadness, guilt, and shame are almost so overwhelming that he settles for holding onto Charlie tight again.</p><p> </p><p>If just five minutes ago for pleasure, this time for safety.</p><p> </p><p>He’s thankful when Charlie doesn’t insist on showering and getting cleaned up just yet. He doesn’t think he has the heart, the stomach for it right now.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex,” Charlie whispers, immediately noticing Alex’s sudden change in mood. He gently strokes Alex’s auburn hair, resting a hand on Alex’s trembling back. “Alex, it’s okay. I’ve got you… I’ve got you,” he whispers, a soft coo. “You’re safe with me.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex nods at that, sobbing quietly into the warmth of Charlie’s embrace, feeling the slightest respite at Charlie’s touch, at Charlie holding him tight and safely, the soft beating of Charlie’s heart against his keeping him still and steady amidst his little sobs.</p><p> </p><p>Alex is grateful that Charlie’s not pressing the question right now.</p><p> </p><p>Because even if he did, Alex doesn’t know if he can answer. He doesn’t know why he’s feeling this way. Or perhaps, more accurately, he can’t admit to anyone, not even himself, why he feels this way.</p><p> </p><p>Guilty. Afraid.</p><p> </p><p>All he can do is hold onto Charlie like it’s the last time he can.</p><p> </p><hr/><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Chapter 11 Teaser</span> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>Alex closes his eyes, turning around one last time to glance at Charlie. His boyfriend looks worried, and Alex has to pull away harder until the tips of his fingers finally leave Charlie’s hand. They don’t say anything, but Charlie’s expression says it all.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>Sighing, he turns to walk away, to follow Jess into the room. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Finally, they’re alone. “Jess, can we at least fucking talk—” Alex says with a start. </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“Seriously, Alex, now you want to talk?” She snaps, slamming the door shut behind her with a bang. It’s almost enough to make Alex shudder. “After what, you’ve been ignoring me for how many weeks now? What the fuck did I ever do to you?”</em>
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  <em>Alex doesn’t know whether to be irritated or just straight-up angry at this encounter. “What the fuck did you do to me? Really, Jess?” He snaps, rather confident in his case. </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>Unsurprisingly, Jess meets his challenge. “Fuck you, Alex, you can really be such an ass sometimes,” she hisses, crossing her arms. “Are you like this to Charlie too?”</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>Alex just scoffs at that, shaking his head, trying to ignore the snide comment about Charlie. “You don’t know, do you. You never knew anything. Just whatever you wanted like my opinion never fucking mattered to you. Like back then? Do you remember?!”</em>
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  <em>“What?” Jess says, her eyes narrowing at the accusation. “What the fuck do you mean by that? Are you still talking about Justin? My God, Alex, he’s dead. Okay? He’s not coming back. So why the fuck do you need to bring this shit up again when you know I don’t want to talk about it?”</em>
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  <em>Alex shakes his head back, his lips a tight line. “See what I mean? It’s all about you. It’s always fucking just about you, Jess.” His hands ball into fists. And not because he wants to hit her. He could never bring himself to do that. But the anger doesn’t subside. It threatens to burst. “But guess what. I’m going to speak my mind this time.”</em>
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Please consider leaving kudos and reviews, I thrive on those!</p><p>There's no turning back now after this chapter - everything's going to be quite intense.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Homecoming - Part II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex and Charlie go to a house party after a quieter day at Berkeley. Alex runs into Jess and past traumas clash.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry for the delay guys. I had some difficulty coming up with this chapter. Angst, angst, angst. </p><p> </p><p>  <b> Warnings for mentions of rape/non-con and murder. Teaser for Ch 11 contains referenced drug use. </b></p><p> </p><p>Thank you again to syazzypanda for being an amazing beta reader, along with the rest of the Chalex Happy Bubble!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>“The right word cuts more deeply than a knife.”</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>- Camille, League of Legends</strong>
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<h3>
  <span class="u"><strong>October 18th, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Jess, we need to talk,” Alex says curtly, pulling up a seat across from her in the lounge. She’s doing some kind of work – her textbooks are numerous in count, and huge in volume. </em>
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  <em>She looks pissed. “Why?” she asks, dropping her pen. “And why do you suddenly care to tell me this after you ditched me.”</em>
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  <em>Alex ignores that comment. He’s not in the mood to talk about this shit like they did in high school. It always ended with Jess winning, like she always fucking does because he let her. No. He’s through with playing this stupid game of ‘please-the-Jess.’</em>
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</p><p><em>But even though he hates thinking of it, remembering </em>that<em>, there’s still such thing as the ‘right’ thing to do. As fucked up as all of them are.</em></p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“You need to stop seeing Jacob,” he breathes, his eyes steady and searching Jess’s own. </em>
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  <em>She shoots him back a perplexed glare. “Why?”</em>
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  <em>“You just have to,” he says back, almost too softly.</em>
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  <em>“Tell me,” she adds.</em>
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  <em>Alex doesn’t answer. It’s at the tip of his tongue, but every time he tries to say it, it’s like he can’t – that his mind is wandering, taking him back to nights, to memories he wishes he could forget and lose. Unhappier times for unhappy moments now. </em>
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  <em>“Tell me why I should.”</em>
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  <em>And when Alex ignores that demand again, he’s forced to watch with a heavy heart as she shakes her head, muttering a ‘fuck this,’ grabs her books, and strolls out of the lounge.</em>
</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>
  <span class="u">Now</span>
</p><p><em>‘You were having a dream’</em> is the first thing Alex hears when his eyes start to flutter open. He glances over at the window, where it’s still dark outside. His head is pounding slightly, worsened by the remnants of ringing in his ears. He’s lost his sense of time – as such whenever he sleeps in the middle of the day, though his recollection of what happened prior to sleep is stilted, fragmented at best.</p><p> </p><p>Like holes in his memories – sometimes because there are things he wills so hard to forget, and sometimes just because he’s had too much to drink. And sometimes because of none of that at all. Alex shudders to remember being <em>unable to remember</em>. The time when he attempted suicide, fighting first for his life in a hospital bed, and then fighting to recover the memories that were taken from him.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Memories.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>They’re a blessing and a curse. Alex knows this well. He knows it almost painfully too well because of everything that’s transpired these past years. There are memories he treasures – being with Charlie, making it out alive, and being in the arms of his loving family. And then there are memories he wishes he could forget, the blood that won’t wash away, the shame that won’t retreat, the pain of being lied to and used, over and over again.</p><p> </p><p>And lastly, there are the memories he fought hard to remember – memories he wishes he could treasure that never returned. Even now, there are holes in his memory leading up to that fateful night. And it’s been over a year – Alex is starting to believe that those are things he will never recover, that ‘recovery,’ or whatever it suggests, doesn’t exist in the literal, perfect sense.</p><p> </p><p>Alex sighs, sitting up slightly, still half-naked under the covers. Charlie’s lying next to him, a warm smile on his face that normally could soothe many of Alex’s anxieties and heartaches. And while it’s there, it’s okay; he feels safe, the anxiety doesn’t recede, at least not in its entirety. Though, he can’t complain right now either. He’s glad that Charlie’s here.</p><p> </p><p>“A strange one,” Alex replies after a long pause, creeping a hand under the covers to interlace his fingers with Charlie’s. His boyfriend smells slightly of body wash and shampoo, and Alex realizes that they must have showered together some few hours ago. The memories are all a haze, and he doesn’t remember everything with perfect detail, though he knows somehow it happened. It’s a strange phenomenon – knowing it happened and yet not quite <em>remembering </em>that it happened the way it did.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s smiling brightly. “What kind of dream?” he asks softly.</p><p> </p><p>Alex stops in his tracks, his mind starting to wander again. It didn’t feel like a dream. And maybe that’s because it wasn’t a dream. The conversation with Jess did happen. He’s not imagining it; he’s not dreaming it. It’s not some hallucination born out of fear like what happened on the senior camping trip, nor is it some auditory or visual hallucination brought about by staggering levels of anxiety. It’s a conversation he’d wish he could forget. And yet there’s also a part of him that wants to remember it like some justification for anger and fury, something to remind him that his morals, his sense of right and wrong aren’t compromised.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>That’s rich. </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Alex almost laughs at that. Being one to talk about morals and being all high and mighty has never sat right with him. He knows this. He’s the last one to talk about right and wrong after murdering Bryce. Although there’s a part of him that screams that what he did was justice, that Bryce was allowed to commit his atrocities without punishment, Alex realizes that the right to make that decision wasn’t his. He took that away. And while he’s tried to move on, to forget that it all happened, being here, at Berkeley, is causing it all to come back.</p><p> </p><p>And it’s a burden he wishes he would never have to pass onto Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>“I just…” he begins, slowly, staring into the dimly lit room. “I don’t really remember all of it,” he admits – and this isn’t a lie. He doesn’t remember all the details. He’s never been able to – it’s just how dreams are. He doesn’t remember all the details, and yet he vividly sees Jess there. She’s angry. He’s angry. And although he doesn’t grasp what they were talking about, the rolling anxiety speaks volumes for him.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m just glad I’m awake now,” Alex says again, letting his head rest against Charlie’s chest. It feels as good as it did just hours ago, when they were passionate, when they were fire. Charlie’s got his arms around Alex’s body, and for a moment Alex wishes this was everything. That they were back home, back during Prom of 2019, on top of the world.</p><p> </p><p>“You’re okay,” Charlie finally answers, gently caressing Alex’s cheek. “I’m here, I’m here for you Alex…” he says softly. And Alex is grateful once again that Charlie doesn’t press him this time. Although part of him is also thinking of the last time they were like this – at the pier a few weeks ago when Alex snapped at him. Charlie didn’t discuss it afterward, but Alex could see that Charlie was hurt by it. It must have brought him back to the time Alex pushed him away at the pier, a few weeks before the riot.</p><p> </p><p>“Thanks, Charlie,” Alex replies, a warm smile breaking across his features. “I guess… I guess I was really out of it. You know – after the alcohol and the weed,” he says sheepishly, before letting out a yawn. It’s almost surreal – how he’s probably been asleep for at least a few hours, but the fatigue in his body doesn’t recede.</p><p> </p><p>And when he tries to get up from the bed again, it’s Charlie who gently pulls him back, doing those irresistible puppy eyes again. “Come on, come sleep with me a little longer,” he murmurs, sluggish and cutely. And of course, Alex relents.</p><p> </p><p>They still have the room to themselves, as discussed earlier with Jacob. Where he is, what he’s doing – there’s a moment of respite for Alex where it feels like it shouldn’t matter. That it doesn’t matter. Alex hasn’t been able to feel that for quite some time.</p><p> </p><p>It was a drug-induced moment of relaxation some few hours ago, making love to Charlie like this. And now it’s not that – it’s a love-induced moment of feeling liberty and unrestraint that’s keeping him going. And though it’s fleeting, for a moment, for this one moment here, Alex is okay with it.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” he agrees with a nod, before pressing his lips against Charlie’s. They’re soft, they’re full. They make his head spin and make him dizzy again with desire. And though the rolling anxiety and growing pressure are still somewhere on his mind, threatening to burst, he’s able to hold it at bay.</p><p> </p><p>And when Charlie pulls him close again so that they fit together like spoons, the feeling of Charlie’s face buried in his hair, it doesn’t take long for sleep to capture him again. Feeling Charlie’s muscular frame around his, skin against skin.</p><p> </p><p>Little did Alex know how much he would miss this in the weeks to come.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">8 AM</span>
</p><p> </p><p>There’s a Sunday afterparty the next day just off-campus. Charlie had gotten word of it during Saturday’s adventures, and while Alex wasn’t too keen on going, Charlie was a little more excited at that. Alex relents though – he’s gotten a slightly new acquired taste for this sort of life (though some things never change) – and this is mostly for Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie took the time and effort to drive over to Berkeley for the weekend. And though he’s leaving tonight, Alex felt obligated to at least try to make the stay comfortable. And while he knows Charlie would be content with just cuddling in bed and going on a date – that’s not what Homecoming is for or about. There’s more – much more to it.</p><p> </p><p>And so Alex reluctantly agrees to the whole idea of it.</p><p> </p><p>The hours of the day pass slowly; with Alex and Charlie grabbing breakfast in the dorm cafeteria. The quality there is never going to be great – as with most college campuses, but it’s still a notch better than Liberty High’s food. Considering how high schools had some greater obligation to trying to maintain public health, often at the cost of decent-tasting food, even college food was an acceptable compromise at this rate.</p><p> </p><p>The day goes by alright though, with Alex giving Charlie a small tour of the area – something they didn’t have the time to – or perhaps, the mood to, the last time Charlie came on campus like this. Alex hadn’t given it much thought – the idea that next year, Charlie would be the one choosing colleges to go to. It’s difficult enough as is right now, with the whole semi long-distance and all, both of them with their own lives to navigate through.</p><p> </p><p>“If anything, I’ll try to go to Berkeley next year,” Charlie winks at him, and although Alex feels obligated to protest – to tell Charlie that no, he should choose whatever college he sees best fit, there’s also a selfish part of him that’s happy at this. Though Alex struggles to properly express this.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” he settles for responding with, putting on a slight smile and wishing he could say more. Alex feels a bit of regret when Charlie looks disappointed with that sort of answer, and Alex wishes he had it in his heart to say more, something thoughtful, and meaningful.</p><p> </p><p>But it doesn’t come out.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">1 PM</span>
</p><p>They settle on stopping by a cozy little restaurant nearby, a rustic Italian restaurant that Alex had been meaning to try, but without a car, was too lazy to walk to. Or more accurately, felt uncomfortable, especially when alone. He’s made so much recovery since first sustaining his TBI, no longer needing a cane, and able to engage in fairly vigorous exercise. But there is the occasional flare-up. There are moments when his left side feels weak, and although it’s a fleeting thing, he can’t rule out that possibility.</p><p> </p><p>But with Charlie by his side, driving around, that all falls to the side. Charlie pays this time, citing that he worked overtime at The Crestmont the past week. Alex doesn’t complain – it’s not so bad to have Charlie pay for their bill sometime. They took turns in the summer after a brief period of splitting the bill. Charlie had joked that with his past girlfriends, he always felt pressured to pay – and it didn’t help that literally all of them – including Alex now – had commented that he ‘looked rich’.</p><p> </p><p>But with Alex, he doesn’t have to keep up that appearance or give into those heteronormative roles. It’s a little silly, Alex thinks – although he relates too. When he and Jess were dating, he paid for almost all their meals.</p><p> </p><p>Only to have her cheat on him and dump him for Justin anyways. He grits his teeth at that.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie picks up on his unease when the memory crosses his mind, and they leave their conversation at that, Charlie gently interlacing a few fingers with him under the table, in show of support. Alex is the first to let go, citing that it was all fine.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie smiles warmly at him with a little nod but doesn’t say much more.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">4 PM</span>
</p><p>It’s almost time for the party. Alex isn’t too keen on running into Jacob again, but they’ve definitely grown somewhat closer the past few weeks. It’s surreal to think about, how his roommate somehow feels so close to the heart of the conflict in his mind. Between Jess and Bryce, and how interconnected they all are. But Jacob had a point – they’re still roommates.</p><p> </p><p>And although Alex hates to admit it – he still feels lonely at Berkeley. Especially after what happened with Jess just two weeks ago.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie suddenly probes Alex about school – and Alex’s jaw tightens at the reminder. He knows Charlie is just looking out for him, trying to make sure he’s doing okay, that he’s going to his classes. And Alex does go – he goes to every lecture, has skipped only one or two – but his grades aren’t reflecting that effort right now.</p><p> </p><p>They’re not <em>bad </em>by any means, but Alex had been expecting more from himself. It’s no secret that grades tend to drop between the transition of high school and university, but Alex was really finding himself struggling to stay motivated the past few weeks. They’re about halfway done the semester, so he feels if he just holds on a little longer, things will be okay.</p><p> </p><p>He has a round of midterms coming up in a few weeks. It’s been on his mind, but studying has felt harder and harder as of late with how he’s feeling here. He knows his parents paid lots of money for him to attend here – that helping out both him and his brother isn’t cheap. And he’s afraid of disappointing them. There’s always that part of Alex that’s feared this.</p><p> </p><p>Ever since his suicide attempt, he’s felt like he’s disappointed his parents. And that sort of shame isn’t something you can just laugh off or ignore. Alex can only hope they’ll go well.</p><p> </p><p>“It’s going okay,” he says with a slight smile, brushing Charlie’s hand, taking care to not be too aggressive with touch when they’re sitting in the lobby like this. “Thanks – make sure you’re keeping up with school too,” he mentions back, and their eyes meet warmly.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie’s a good student. Alex knows this – he’s always been a good student, a good football player, a member of the student council – everything you could want in an ideal boyfriend. It’s almost enough that Alex convinced himself time and time again he didn’t deserve Charlie.</p><p> </p><p>And sometimes, he still feels that way.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u">9 PM</span>
</p><p>
  <em>And then I wonder, why do you keep pushing yourself like this? There must have been a time where you ask yourself, maybe I should’ve come clean earlier. Maybe sweeping this all under the rug time and time again wasn’t the right decision, and maybe I could’ve saved myself and everyone else the heartbreak of knowing this information was withheld for so, so long.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>And yet they also say that hindsight is 20/20. And it really is. Because everything is okay until it isn’t. It’s always like that, fate is always that damn, fucking snake. So yeah – it’s fine until it isn’t fine. And although I tell myself that every single time – that I’ll learn from that mistake and reach out next time – I end up never doing that.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>So bring it on. I’ve accepted it.</em>
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</p>
<hr/><p>
  
</p><p>Alex doesn’t know what to expect at this party tonight. He doesn’t expect it to be too much fun, but Charlie wanted to go anyways, though he refuses to drink, or at least, drink <em>much</em> – after all, he’s the one driving back. Alex wondered where the fun in that would be – but he supposes there’s more to partying than just getting wasted – even if it’s a big part of it no less.</p><p> </p><p>Besides, it’s not that long of a drive anyways – what’s the risk?</p><p> </p><p>It’s a little past 9 when Charlie pulls up at the address. It’s not a big house – after all, the cost of living here isn’t exactly student-budget friendly, but then again, if it’s one of Jacob’s friends, Alex expects money to be less than an issue.</p><p> </p><p>The scene is familiar – it reminds Alex of last time’s party, though with fewer showups. Fewer people invited. Alex closes his eyes, promising himself he’d at least try to enjoy this moment for Charlie, who was probably more keen on partying than he was – and to hopefully also once more try to meet new people – to curb the loneliness he’s been feeling since the start of the school year.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh, puts on a smile, and the scene unfolds. Charlie could pass for older than Alex – and in some ways, that’s a good thing. For a brief moment, Alex feels a touch of envy when he sees how easily Charlie starts up conversations with everyone. It almost gets to a point where he feels left out – although that’s also in part due to him being less talkative than normal. Charlie shoots him a few worried glances, doing his best to include Alex in the conversations, but Alex just smiles through it every time.</p><p> </p><p>Alex has been feeling so uneasy the past few days, the high of seeing Charlie again waning after yesterday. It feels strange, a lie – acting like it’s okay, until he can’t anymore, with Charlie trying hard to be comforting and happy for both of them. He hasn’t been able to keep his mind off the growing anxiety that’s Jessica. Not after that tense conversation they had, and what feels like a growing shadow that’s Jacob’s presence. Something he can’t quite shake off.</p><p> </p><p>His chest feels tight when he realizes Jacob’s going to be here soon. And Jess as well. He deliberately arrived early to avoid the awkward greetings and such. For a moment, it’s stifling, and Alex excuses himself to head to the bathroom. Charlie shoots him a worried glance, sensing his unease, but Alex doesn’t turn back to say anything. He walks up the flight of stairs to the mostly empty second, and finally the third floor, where he’s sure he won’t be interrupted.</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares at his reflection in the bathroom, almost half-expecting his reflection to come out unclear. He’s felt this way – like looking at himself and not seeing what he wants to see. And now although he sees himself clearly, it still doesn’t feel right.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, Alex turns the faucet, letting the cold water run through his fingers, before splashing it onto his face, something to try to curb the rolling anxiety once more. In vain, as it turns out. When he opens the door, he almost expects Charlie to be there, to check on how he’s doing, since he’s been in here for a few minutes, staring blankly at his reflection.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s not. It’s Jess.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>She was wearing a neutral expression before. And then their eyes meet. And then now it all fades and is replaced by something Alex can’t quite discern, between frustration, anger, and confusion.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t move.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess I could’ve expected you here,” she says suddenly, her voice low and steady.</p><p> </p><p>It takes Alex longer than he’d care to admit until he finds his voice. His eyes are on Jess, thinking of the last conversation they had – something he remembers as well in fragments of a bad nightmare. “Jess look—” he tries, his voice hoarse.</p><p> </p><p>“What is there to say,” Jess responds, dismissive and derisive. “You made your point last time. I get it.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shakes his head, finding himself struggling to get the words out. It’s always like this with him and Jess. He talks, she talks over him. And then he gives in. Every single time. “Can you just listen for one moment this time,” he spits it out.</p><p> </p><p>Jess looks unimpressed by that. “I am listening,” she says curtly. “When do I not?”</p><p> </p><p>That must some sort of joke. “Cut the crap, Jess,” Alex lets out, his voice finding some edge this time. “You never listen. It’s always about you. Always has, always will.”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Jess’s eyes darken. “The fuck?”</p><p> </p><p>For a brief moment, Alex regrets those words. He flinches at her harsh tone, memories of different times – not necessarily better ones coming in. What was heated rage before is quickly being replaced by some deadly chill, unsettling. They’re looking at one another, breathing hard.</p><p> </p><p>“Alex? Jess?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex didn’t realize when Charlie had made his way up the flight of stairs. Time is meaningless to him right now. It’s just him and Jess – and Charlie joining them in the background. Alex steals a glance to observe how his boyfriend responds. He reaches out a hand, which Alex reluctantly accepts. It calms him just a little bit – but the feeling is fleeting at best.</p><p> </p><p>“Charlie, just wait for me downstairs,” he says, his voice eerily still, like a calm before the storm. His eyes don’t leave Jess’s. And hers don’t leave his. It’s almost like Charlie’s not there right now.</p><p> </p><p>Charlie steals a worried look at Jess – and Alex remembers bitterly how badly she treated him too. Before they dated – before they were a thing. He remembers it. And it only adds to the boiling irritation and anger threatening to surface.</p><p> </p><p>“Go.”</p><p> </p><p>And after what feels like an eternity, Charlie relents. His face falls, whispering a soft ‘okay’, voice wavering with worry. Alex closes his eyes, turning around one last time to glance at Charlie. His boyfriend looks worried, and Alex has to pull away harder until the tips of his fingers finally leave Charlie’s hand. They don’t say anything, but Charlie’s expression says it all.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, he turns to walk away, to follow Jess into the room.</p><p> </p><p>Finally, they’re alone. “Jess, can we at least talk—” Alex says with a start.</p><p> </p><p>“Seriously, Alex, now you want to talk?” She snaps, slamming the door shut behind her with a bang. It’s almost enough to make Alex shudder. “After what, you’ve been ignoring me for how many weeks now? What the fuck did I ever do to you?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t know whether to be irritated or just straight-up angry at this encounter. “What the fuck did you do to me? Really, Jess?” He snaps, rather confident in his case.</p><p> </p><p>Unsurprisingly, Jess meets his challenge. “Fuck you, Alex, you can really be such an ass sometimes,” she hisses, crossing her arms. “Are you like this to Charlie too?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex just scoffs at that, shaking his head, trying to ignore the snide comment about Charlie. “You don’t know, do you. You never knew anything. Just whatever you wanted like my opinion never fucking mattered to you. Like back then? Do you remember?!”</p><p> </p><p>“What?” Jess says, her eyes narrowing at the accusation. “What the fuck do you mean by that? Are you still talking about Justin? My God, Alex, he’s dead. Okay? He’s not coming back. So why the fuck do you need to bring this shit up again when you know I don’t want to talk about it?”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shakes his head back, his lips a tight line. “See what I mean? It’s all about you. It’s always fucking just about you, Jess.” His hands ball into fists. And not because he wants to hit her. He could never bring himself to do that. But the anger doesn’t subside. It threatens to burst. “But guess what. I’m going to speak my mind this time.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex deliberates for a moment, his gaze locked onto Jess’s stunned expression like cold steel. And finally, he finds the words he wants to say. “Stop seeing Jacob,” he finally lets out, the reality of the situation at the tip of his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>Jess flinches at that. It’s not the first time Alex has said it to her. He knows it, she knows it. “What…?”</p><p> </p><p>Number 82. 82. He remembers that night as clear as day now. Homecoming night. And he hates that this memory is so vividly emblazoned in his mind.</p><p> </p><p>“He was there,” Alex says, slow, gauging Jess’s response. “On homecoming night. He was there,” he continues, trying to force himself to make sense in spite of the vagueness of everything that’s coming out of his mouth.</p><p> </p><p>“Number 82,” he says again, almost a low growl, the rolling anxiety from remembering that fateful night hitting him like a truck. The blood, the crashing waves, the screams. “Think!”</p><p> </p><p>And slowly, the puzzle pieces fit together, and Jessica’s expression goes from perplexed to stunned. The minutes that pass next are hazy, like observing the world through a kaleidoscope. Alex feels like he’s going to faint, reliving that moment</p><p> </p><p>“Why… why didn’t you tell me?” She furrows her brows, the anger unmistakeable.</p><p> </p><p>Alex stares back incredulously at her. And for the first time since they started arguing, he’s at a loss of words. But only for a moment. Because Jess is on him again, demanding to know more, to know why – to know everything.</p><p> </p><p>“Why, Alex?” She demands again, the unmistakeable sense of betrayal in her voice.</p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn’t say anything.</p><p> </p><p>“Why, Alex?!” Jess lets out a growl, and something about it causes Alex to snap. His vision goes red, and the inhibition is gone in a flash. “Why—”</p><p> </p><p>“Because I don’t want to fucking remember that night!” Alex cuts her off, his voice coming out unmistakeably tense. “Don’t you get it?” He pleads, huffing.</p><p> </p><p>She doesn’t. Like every single time, she doesn’t get it. It’s always about her. Her first, and no one else second. And Alex could have guessed it before she opened her mouth again. “My rapist’s… fucking teammate and friend?” She spits out the words, embittered and cold. “And you didn’t think to tell me?”</p><p> </p><p>Jess is breathing hard now, and Alex almost feels sorry for her. Her face is flushed, and though the guilt builds within him, Alex stands his ground.</p><p> </p><p>“I didn’t know until recently,” he finally speaks, his mouth twisted into a scowl. It's not a lie. He suspected, he remembered. But they were fragments. And now he knows for sure. “Besides, you’re not the only one who’s suffered.”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you, Alex!” She snaps, her voice heavy with anger. “How dare you. How dare you lie to me like this and not tell me—”</p><p> </p><p>“Fuck you too, Jess,” he cuts her off. “You’re going to lecture me about withholding information? Really?” He says, stepping forward, rather confident in his case. “Like you did to me while you were fucking Justin?”</p><p> </p><p>“W…what?” Jess winces in pain. And the words must cut deep because she knows it’s true.</p><p> </p><p>“Or how was it, getting tested with Diego while I had no idea I was at risk too,” he adds, shaking his head in disgust. “Because you thought it was a great idea to fuck Justin while fucking all of us,” he spits it out, venomous and hateful.</p><p> </p><p>When she doesn’t respond, Alex doesn’t relent. There’s something twisted about how cathartic this is. Letting out years’ worth of unresolved tension in nail-biting fashion.</p><p> </p><p>“So don’t you dare fucking lecture me on being honest,” he hisses, eyes burning holes into her. “And don’t lecture me on trauma,” he adds, huffing. “I was the one lying in that hospital bed unable to walk, talk, or remember a damn thing,” his mouth twists into a disgusted frown.</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t get it, do you?” Jess spits back. “You put that bullet through your own skull. I was raped! I had no control over that, and you let Bryce’s friend into my life?” She demands. “Why?”</p><p> </p><p>The blood drains from his face when he hears her say those words. Alex pauses, their eyes meeting for a second when Alex realizes what he’s about to say next. Words he wishes he never had to say. Fear of acknowledgment – it’s silly really, but what harm can it do now. Jess went there. She never spoke to him that way about his suicide attempt. He grits his teeth.</p><p> </p><p>“Because the last thing I want to be reminded of is fucking homecoming night!" He yells, unbridled fury ripping through his veins as he slams a fist into the wall. The bang it makes jolts Jess, and Alex is thankful for the swell of the overpoweringly loud music from two floors below. Her eyes bear the markings of fear – and Alex has never understood this. Why is she afraid of him? After everything she used him for, now this? “You know that?! I went to that fucking pier with you,” he hisses. “I went to that pier <em>for </em>you! And guess what happened. We have nowhere to run because of you. Our lives are ruined because of you!”</p><p> </p><p>“What…?”</p><p> </p><p>“You’re not the one who has to live with that,” Alex continues, exhaling hard, clutching at his chest. “You’re not the one who has to bear that burden,” he shakes his head, trying to stay in control. “Not you. You just watched. Made me do all your dirty work as you’ve always done.”</p><p> </p><p>It hurts. God, it hurts. Memories he wishes he could forget, and it’s like they’re at the pier again, the sound of crashing waves and brutal screams. November 2<sup>nd</sup>, 2018. The day their lives changed forever. The secrets buried in the concrete, in the water. And although it’s been almost a year, Alex has never rested easy. It’s always there, gnawing at the back of his mind. He knows he's at fault too. That Jess's traumas are valid. He knows this - and yet despite all that, he can't shake off his own traumas, resentment, and anger. It's always been there. But he's always let himself take a backseat when things get tough like this.</p><p> </p><p>And now they’ve come full circle.</p><p> </p><p>“You call me a liar for not telling you,” Alex says, his voice finally lowering to a deadly chill. “You’re a hypocrite, Jess. But have you considered what it’s like for me? Living like this?” He shakes his head, tears prickling at his eyes. “Living with that? Something you’ll never understand?”</p><p> </p><p>And while he doesn’t elaborate – Jess gets it. But what she says next, Alex doesn’t expect. She takes a step forward, her eyes clouded with disbelief and regret, and Alex closes his eyes. “You murdered him, Alex,” she whispers, tears in her eyes. “Not me.”</p><p> </p><p>“Not me,” she says again, and when she walks past him, Alex doesn’t say anything back to her. He doesn’t say anything at all.</p><p><br/>
Not even when Charlie’s back upstairs, trying to calm him down. Cries on deaf ears, arms on numb skin.</p><p> </p><p>Not even when Jacob looks at him with a pained expression, asking why Jess just ended things with him.</p><p> </p><p>Because all Alex can think of now, is that night.</p><p> </p><p>That fateful night.</p><p> </p><p>Where his life ended as he knew it. Alex closes his eyes. And all he sees is blood. Bryce’s blood. And the life slowly drains from his face as the waters claim him.</p><p> </p><p>Forever.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p> </p><p>
  <span class="u"> <strong>Chapter 12 Teaser</strong> </span>
</p><p>
  <em>"Ready?" </em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Alex doesn't feel it. 'Ready' to do what exactly? To feel better? To just forget it all? To cope in ways he knows he shouldn't, reminiscent of that summer, that blasted summer with Bryce after he got his heart broken?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>But it felt good. It felt right. And in that moment, he felt relief.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>"I'm ready."</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Streaks of white, not quite solid, an opaque, powdery, touch to it. Alex lets out a sigh, running a hand through his hair to clear the fog that's plaguing his mind. He rolls up the bill, presses it close to the tray.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And the first streak of white disappears. Jacob's patting him on the back, and for a moment, Alex feels better. It would hurt Charlie to know he's slipped back like this. But Charlie isn't here right now, and Alex needs the relief, he needs the headrush.</em>
</p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thank you for continuing to read - this will be a long journey. It gets better, I promise - but if this is the 13RW Chalex spinoff we're thinking of, it's going to get worse before it gets better.</p><p>Jess and Alex's argument is not meant to have a right or wrong - both of them have unrepaid debts and unresolved traumas.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Relapse</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Alex's day at Berkeley 6 days after homecoming as his behavior grows more erratic.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p><strong> CONTENT WARNING: Graphic depictions of Drug Use </strong> </p><p>Sorry for the delay guys - I've had some personal stuff lately and with school starting up, updates may be slower.</p><p>I'll still update it as this story means quite a bit to me.</p><p>I do not have a beta reader this time around, so please bear with me for any mistakes.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p><span class="u"></span> <em>"He was getting better... But then he remembered what he was trying to get away from, he remembered the things that tear him apart. Now he's back at the start"</em></p><p>- <strong>Unknown</strong></p><p> </p><h3>
  <span class="u"><strong>October 24<sup>th</sup>, 2019</strong> </span>
</h3><p> </p><p>
  <em>Sometimes we make choices in the heat of the moment. Choices that are bad, that turn out to be mistakes or things that we know we’ll end up regretting down the line. Some actions have small consequences. Some have larger ones. Some are temporary. And some are permanent.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>And yet this is not one of them. It’s silly – but have you ever done something that you know with all your heart is a bad, bad idea? Made an informed and poor decision? One that might change your life forever?  Because I have. I know it personally. I know what it’s like to live with knowing you’ve made the worst decision of your life possible.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>How do I live with that?</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>How would you? </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><hr/><p> </p><p>“You’re telling me I should drop the course and retake it next semester?” Alex shakes his head, struggling to keep his voice low. He’s waited in line for so long for a spot to open up, there are still easily two dozen people sitting behind him, waiting for their number to be called.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m afraid yes,” the advisor responds. She’s an older woman, her glasses framed with these old-fashioned lenses that remind Alex vaguely of his grandmother when she was still alive. Her office is cramped, her table impossibly full of papers that causes Alex to wonder how the fuck she can possibly keep track of all the paperwork she’s been given.</p><p> </p><p>Alex shakes his head in disbelief. He didn’t do well on his last two midterms – his history grade really tanked. And if there’s one thing Alex learned, it’s that there are hardly any second or third chances in college. A midterm and a final, one or two papers, and a small participation grade. Miss one, or blow one, and it’s all over.</p><p> </p><p>It’s nothing like high school. Alex runs a hand through his hair, biting down on his lip at the prospect of it. It wouldn’t be the end of the world to drop the course and just repeat it. But it would slow him down. And he remembers how exasperated his mom was when he had to take remedial math in his Sophomore year already.</p><p> </p><p>It sucks.</p><p> </p><p>“Alexander?” The lady calls again, causing Alex’s head to snap up. He was so lost in his thoughts, it’s like she wasn’t there. Her expression is neutral, practiced – like this is a scene she’s surely seen a million times through her years as an academic advisor. The history department is old, probably one of the oldest – and the décor reflects that, as do the ages of the people in the faculty.</p><p> </p><p>Alex reminds himself that he’s just another one of many – a number; that’s all he is to this college.</p><p> </p><p>You pay for your education, you come – and if you survive the cutthroat, uncaring whims of the schooling system, you maybe get your degree and go on to do more. Just maybe.</p><p> </p><p>“Oh, uh, yeah,” he shrugs, wiping his palms against his jeans. “Dropping HISTORY 1, right,” he mutters, a little irritable. “Is there… is there really no other choice?” he shakes his head in disbelief, eyeing the grades on his phone. They’re not great, but they’re still above failing.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, that depends what your end goals are,” the advisor says after a short pause, her expression unmoving and neutral. “You still have four other courses to juggle – of them, your HISTORY R1B grade could also use some work,” she says matter-of-factly. Alex really hates it. He knows it’s just her job – to be this way, professional, and that after so many years in this position she probably gives less of a shit than she claims to.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh after a short pause, wondering how things ended up here. It’s not over for him just yet – there’s still one more major paper and a final exam for both of his history courses. But it still rankles to think about it – he’s always been a history and philosophy-dominant student. He’s got his way with words, and despite everything that’s happened to him, he’s managed to put his head down and do well.</p><p> </p><p>But University is a totally different ball game. He never imagined it would be this difficult with everything that’s going on with him right now. With Charlie, Jess, and wondering every day if he’ll end up behind bars – the guilt soul-crushing and severe. He knows it.</p><p> </p><p>When he doesn’t answer, she starts up the conversation once more. “Our records indicate that you were a strong history student back in secondary school,” she smiles – it’s not genuine, but it’s not fake either – it’s a practiced one, and Alex is certain she’s done this a million times. “I have no doubt you’ll be able to get back on track.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex shrugs at the remark.</p><p> </p><p>“Are there any extenuating circumstances you’d like to disclose?” She suddenly asks.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s head snaps up at that question. For a split-second, he’s stunned. Like all the anxiety and paranoia he’s wrestled with his whole life, it rears its ugly head once more at that question. Almost like he feels as if she can see through him.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” he answers, unsure if he’s being honest. There <em>are </em>things he’d like to disclose. But there’s nothing that he <em>can</em> disclose.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” she nods. “Alex, I just want you to know that this is normal,” she continues, both hands down on her desk as she smiles at him, manufactured goodwill radiating outwards in a way that makes Alex scoff under his breath. “A lot of students in their first-year struggle with adapting to post-secondary education…”</p><p> </p><p>“I’m not struggling to adapt,” he lies.</p><p> </p><p>“—And I just want you to know your options,” she finishes, ignoring the remark he made. “One of them is to drop it and retake it.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a humorless laugh. “Right,” he rolls his eyes. “Options.” When had he ever had options in life? When had he ever gotten a say in what happens to him? After years of being kicked around by fate, it almost seems like a bad joke.</p><p> </p><p>The advisor doesn’t look impressed at all by his insincerity. Alex almost feels guilty about it, knowing she’s just trying to do her job – yet nonetheless, the manufactured goodwill exuding from her every word makes him cringe no less.</p><p> </p><p>“Well, your file also mentions you have a TBI,” she remarks, and Alex’s jaw tightens when her eyes meet his. It’s in his file. He’s known this ever since that fucking interviewer probed him about his disability back in April. Berkeley has all that information – people in faculty who don’t know anything else about him but are somehow privy to this knowledge because it sits in his file.</p><p> </p><p>“Have you been using your accommodations?” She nods, producing a notice with Alex’s information on it, before tapping the fine print. “You’re entitled to it. We haven’t received a request for it though, so that’s another option you could be exploring for your final assignments,” she reports. “Even with a disability, you can still perform well.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s eyes bulge at that, lips parted.</p><p> </p><p><em>Disability</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hates that word.</p><p> </p><p>He hates the sound of it, the way it feels in his mouth, the whole thought of being seen as something different. He’s struggled with that his whole life – trying to seem normal, trying to convince himself of it too. Being the son of a cop with a traditionally masculine older brother who played football meant Alex always felt he had shoes to fill that he would never be able to fill – not without lying to himself. And then things came full circle when he shot himself in the head.</p><p> </p><p><em>Disability</em>.</p><p> </p><p>Instinctively, his hand flies up to the side of his head, fingers grazing along the lines where the scar still exists. It’ll never fade – it’s there for life. A marker, something to remind him of the sins he bears. Being the agent to his own disability. He’s breathing harder, his heart speeds a little, and when he closes his eyes, he sees Jess again, homecoming Saturday. The day things between them may have been irreparably damaged. She said the same thing.</p><p> </p><p>It’s always in Alex’s nature to blame himself for everything. But when it comes to his disability, he really feels that this is the truest statement he could make about himself. The fact that he still lives with a weakened body, a left side that flares up from time to time, and occasional cognitive issues are a constant reminder that he was the agent to his own problems.</p><p> </p><p>And he hates it.</p><p> </p><p>“If you have any extenuating circumstances that could affect your mental state—”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t have anything like that,” Alex says curtly, lips pressed in a hard line. He knows this isn’t the truth. Even he can see that – but how would he explain it? That he’s living with the guilt of murdering someone? That he withheld information from his ex-girlfriend over a guy she shouldn’t be dating because it reminded him of said murder? How the fuck do you begin to explain that?</p><p> </p><p>“Alex…” she says after a pause.</p><p> </p><p>“And since when do schools actually give a shit about mental health?” Alex says under his breath.</p><p> </p><p>The advisor looks stunned by this. “I… I’m sorry, I don’t follow?” She quirks an eyebrow. “The school has ample resources to help with academic counseling, crisis counseling—”</p><p> </p><p>“And how do they help exactly?” Alex cuts in curtly, shaking his head. “Since when do schools anywhere actually help their students with mental health? Or suicide prevention?” He knows he’s out of line – that she’s just trying to do her job, even if she is irritating all the same – and yet he knows he’s not wrong. Postsecondary education has never given a shit about mental health. It’s always the same damn thing. The bare minimum for crisis counseling and nothing more.</p><p> </p><p>“I’m sorry, I think that’s enough for today’s appointment,” the advisor says after a stunned pause.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Fuck.</em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“Right,” Alex throws up both hands. “Of course. Of fucking course,” he mutters, before making his way out of the office. He didn’t mean for the appointment to go this way. Truth is, he has been struggling to keep up with the pace of schoolwork. It’s a whole different beast from high school, and the mental strain of everything has been getting to him.</p><p> </p><p>Then again, Alex has never meant for anything unfortunate in his life to happen. Sure, Jess had a point, however, fucked up and twisted it was, that he was the agent to his own misfortune and disability – by putting that damn bullet through his brain. But in some twisted manner, he didn’t mean to survive it. Alex regrets it, of course, he’s regretted it the moment he opened his eyes in that hospital bed, a whole month later. But his disability was his own doing, even though it wasn’t the intention.</p><p> </p><p>Because he fully intended to die that day.</p><p> </p><p>It rankles to think about it – how he failed to even do that.</p><p> </p><p>Shaking his head, he pushes open the glass doors of the building, and steps into the somberness that is mid-October weather. It’s a little chillier than normal, the normal sun of California blocked out by a thick overcast of clouds. A gloomy day and Alex can’t help but feel that it’s ironically fitting.</p><p> </p><p>It’s not over, he knows that – he still has a month and a bit to turn around his grades, to prove that he’s worth everything; being here, getting accepted, using his parents money to further his education. He told Charlie things were fine with school because he didn’t want Charlie to worry – he knows if he told Charlie he’d been struggling that his boyfriend would start taking time out of his own schedule to help Alex study, and Alex couldn’t allow that.</p><p> </p><p>It was just too much of a burden, and he didn’t know how he could face Charlie like that. Charlie, the straight-A student, star quarterback, and honor board member. It felt like an insult, and it only furthered his feelings of self-doubt and questioning his own worth.</p><p> </p><p>Alex lets out a sigh, slow footsteps leading him towards the familiar path that leads to Unit 1. A drop of rain falls – it’s barely there, and he hardly feels it. The first of many that’ll certainly start to pour in minutes to come. But it doesn’t faze him. Let it rain. Let it pour.</p><p> </p><p>He’s used to it.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So how did the meeting with the counselor go?” Is the first thing Alex hears when he strolls back into the dorm room, his sweater and hair soaked with rainwater. The rain has already taken a turn for the worse – the slight sound of pattering raindrops filling the background of the dimly lit room.</p><p> </p><p>A gloomy day indeed.</p><p> </p><p>“Just fucking great,” Alex mutters, tossing his bag on the bed with a groan. “She thinks I should drop HISTORY 1,” he says with venom. “Or that I’m doing badly because I’m depressed,” he continues, a flash of anger when he realizes for one second that she may have been right.</p><p> </p><p>“Are you?” Jacob quirks an eyebrow at him. When Alex reads his expression he finds nothingness – just a blank slate.</p><p> </p><p>Alex hasn’t thought much of this. He’s never stopped to consider how he’s feeling – let alone label himself like this. He hates it. He hated the word <em>disability</em>, and he continues to hate it. How the fuck could he see himself as depressed? To admit that he needed help, that he wasn’t doing well. It’s never sat right with him. It’s not like when he was doing PT that things were smooth sailing.</p><p> </p><p>Although he’s grateful to Zach now for all the help his friend has given him, it doesn’t wipe away the feelings of self-hate, self-deprecation, and anger at everything when he has to commit himself to it.</p><p> </p><p>“No,” Alex lets out, swallowing the lump in his throat when he says it. “I’m fine.”</p><p> </p><p>“You don’t… look fine,” Jacob says matter-of-factly, but there is a touch of concern in his voice.</p><p> </p><p>“So what?” Alex mutters back.</p><p> </p><p>Jacob stares at him blankly, until it gets too much, too awkward. “Wh—” Alex says with a start.</p><p> </p><p>“I know just the way to make things better,” Jacob says at last.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p> </p><p>"Ready?" </p><p> </p><p>Alex doesn't feel it. 'Ready' to do what exactly? To feel better? To just forget it all? To cope in ways he knows he shouldn't, reminiscent of that summer, that blasted summer with Bryce after he got his heart broken?</p><p> </p><p>But it felt good. It felt right. And at that moment, he felt relief.</p><p> </p><p>"I'm ready."</p><p> </p><p>Streaks of white, not quite solid, an opaque, powdery, touch to it. Alex lets out a sigh, running a hand through his hair to clear the fog that's plaguing his mind. He rolls up the bill, presses it close to the tray.</p><p> </p><p>And the first streak of white disappears. Jacob's patting him on the back, and for a moment, Alex feels better. It would hurt Charlie to know he's slipped back like this. But Charlie isn't here right now, and Alex needs the relief, he needs the headrush.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a tingle in his nose. It’s strangely familiar because as much as he hates to admit it, this isn’t the first time he’s done this. At the back of his mind, Alex remembers the Summer of 2018, just months after Spring Fling, where tragedy almost occurred. What he didn’t know at the time was that while he was looking for Jess to try to get her to safety, she was busy fucking Justin in the changerooms.</p><p> </p><p>He would find out months later when his heart would be broken by her again and again. All the while he was doing his best to recover physically and mentally to be the best man for her that he could ever be. And then, came Bryce.</p><p> </p><p>He took care of Alex, made him feel whole again, however destructive and fucked up it was. They did coke, saw a hooker together, Bryce hooked him up with steroids, and for once, Alex felt like a man. He knows it’s stupid, it’s a stupid, toxic vision of masculinity. But in some fucked up way, it felt right. It’s a chapter of his life he hasn’t opened up to Charlie, though Ani and Clay know because they dug through his stuff.</p><p> </p><p>It would break Charlie’s heart to know he’s slipped back like this.</p><p> </p><p>And then it hits like a truck.</p><p> </p><p>It’s bitter. It’s so incredibly bitter, it almost makes him vomit on the spot. It’s like the bitterness is lodged in his throat, and he can’t get it out, his gag reflex is desperately trying to purge it from his system to no avail. It’s so awful that the first time he tried this, he really did start heaving. There are some remarkable parallels from what he remembers that time.</p><p> </p><p>Alex pauses for a moment, while he’s still lucid – how did things end up like this? On one hand, Jacob makes him feel uncomfortable. And not for any tangible reason. Bryce is dead. The case should be closed, the only other person who was trying to work against him – Winston – has long admitted that he’d stop digging, handing over the evidence which Alex had burned. And yet he can’t shake off this feeling.</p><p> </p><p>And yet, hanging around Jacob, even if it reminds him of feeling destructive makes Alex feel more like a man as well. And it helps curb the loneliness he’s been feeling. How ironic that both this Fall and last Summer would be marked by this. Jess hurting him, and Alex turning to someone else.</p><p> </p><p>Zach was with Chloe last summer. They didn’t date, but Alex knew Zach had his hands tied, and was doing his best to comfort her during her pregnancy and abortion. And now Charlie, his own boyfriend, is hours from campus, balancing his own life. His chances to see Charlie are few and far between, and it doesn’t help that with Alex’s recent performance and everything in life, that Charlie deserves better.</p><p> </p><p>And yet Alex misses him. He misses Charlie so much already.</p><p> </p><p>The next few minutes pass in a haze, and the familiar headrush, the blazing high hits him. When Alex opens his eyes again, it feels… strange. Like he’s taken the biggest dose of caffeine. When his eyes dart over to the table, it’s almost surreal – examining the curved bill, the faintest traces of white that still linger on the table that must be wiped away sooner or later. It feels jarring – a shocking difference from the sex he had with Charlie just over a week ago, when he was high on weed.</p><p> </p><p>It feels good, and yet in a totally different way.</p><p> </p><p>“You good?” Jacob quirks an eyebrow, his voice coming out louder than normal, and Alex is certain it’s not just that his ears feel hyperaware.</p><p> </p><p>He’s high too. His brown hair, piercing eyes, remarkably strong jawline. He’s handsome, and it doesn’t help that being high makes Alex notice these things even more. It’s not like looking is a crime – though Alex knows he’s being a bit of a hypocrite here. Seeing girls by the dozens fawn over the star quarterback made him jealous. Still, it’s just how it is.</p><p> </p><p>“Uh… yeah,” Alex nods, a slight giggle escaping his pursed lips. “Really fucking good.”</p><p> </p><p>“Hits like a truck, doesn’t it?” Jacob punches him in the arm, donning that familiar Cheshire smile that makes Alex blush a little.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah,” he says back after a pause. “Yeah it sure as hell does,” he chuckles, running a hand through his hair. He’s due for a haircut soon. He had one when he visited home a while back, but didn’t cut it too short – he’s always liked it when his bangs are longer. Perhaps it’s because it hides the scar. That damn scar that won’t go away.</p><p> </p><p>Like a constant reminder of what he’s done.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” Jacob says with a start, before clearing his throat and pouring himself a glass of whiskey. Alex winces at that. Because it doesn’t look like the cheap kind either. But then again, nothing about Jacob ever screamed poor. For a moment, Alex wonders why he chose to opt for a roommate in the first place with the kind of money he surely has. Hillcrest kids aren’t exactly unfamiliar with money after all.</p><p> </p><p>Then again – everyone has their own story to tell. Surely so does he, right?</p><p> </p><p>“Jess,” he says, taking a gulp of the liquor, before offering a glass to Alex himself with a quirked eyebrow. He seems sincere enough – like two men talking business, cordial, professional. “I guess we both know why that happened, huh?”</p><p> </p><p>It’s loud. It’s almost too loud for Alex. Jacob’s voice coupled with the hypersensitivity in his ears is almost overbearing. But somehow, it doesn’t even feel uncomfortable. It feels right. Nodding, he takes the glass, before downing the equally foul-tasting liquid. It’s not that the whiskey itself is shit. It’s just that Alex doesn’t have the stomach for it.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess she remembered you knew her,” Alex answers with a slight frown. It’s not a complete truth, but it’ll do for now.</p><p> </p><p>“From homecoming, you mean?” Jacob answers, and when Alex’s eyes flicker over at the mention of homecoming, Jacob’s not smiling anymore. He’s not angry-looking either – just neutral, a poker face, a stable veneer of calmness that makes Alex realize lies are probably second nature to this man too. Much like they are to Alex, now. It’s almost remarkable how he’s able to keep this calmness despite being well under the influence of cocaine.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Homecoming.</em>
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</p><p>For a moment Alex thinks of Bryce. His last cry for help. Then he blinks and it all fades away in his mind like it was never there before.</p><p> </p><p>He’s riding the high, pushing his boundaries. Alex knows it, he knows it well. “That’s what she told me,” he lies through his teeth, before taking another sip of the whiskey. “That you were the one who harassed her there.”</p><p> </p><p>“She told you?” Jacob shoots him a suspicious glare and Alex nods back in return, almost too quickly, an attempt to appease him. It shouldn’t feel like a lie, because it’s so believable. It should be, at least.</p><p> </p><p>“The fight we had,” Alex answers at last with a gulp. He’s looking down at his drink, clasped with both hands, feeling a strange tug of war between rolling anxiety and unthinking highness. It’s a strange dichotomy, rounded out by the slight effects of alcohol that are already coursing through his veins. A deadly combination. “She was mad I didn’t tell her.”</p><p> </p><p>He doesn’t look Jacob’s way, but he’s certain Jacob’s eyes are on his, like some unrelenting pressure. They’re soft though, and almost understanding. It feels strange.</p><p> </p><p>“You knew then?” Jacob asks coolly. There’s no anger in his voice, just curiosity. It doesn’t faze Alex, he’s quite sure it never meant to be something serious between them. But it’s nonetheless still a breach of trust in ways – on both Jess and Jacob’s ends.</p><p> </p><p>Swallowing the shards of glass in his throat, he looks up. “No,” he lies, his voice coming out louder than anticipated. He’s still hyper-focused, hyperaware of his surroundings like some surreal aura has been cast upon him. “I didn’t. But she thought I did,” he finishes quietly.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a slight pang in his chest, like memories threatening to surface once more that he’s kept at bay. Riding the high, trying to suppress the pain. The stuff that cocaine takes away like a magic eraser, always wanting more and more. His argument with Jess suddenly feels slightly further away, the blood on his hands suddenly seeming to wash off.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Homecoming.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The night that life as he knew it ended suddenly feels like a distant star.</p><p> </p><p>“Women, am I right?” Jacob scoffs after a pause, nodding at Alex. “You uh, dated her too, right?” He inquires, shrugging his shoulders while resting both feet on the desk in pompous fashion.</p><p> </p><p>Alex nods.</p><p> </p><p>“Well…” he says with a start, shaking his head comically with a grin. “I guess we both dodged a bullet, huh?” he clicks his tongue.</p><p> </p><p>It shouldn’t feel offensive. They’re not on speaking terms right now. Like many times before, all the shit that’s gone down between them, time and time again. And yet somehow it also doesn’t feel right. The mutual history and trauma they’ve shared. When Alex looks back at it, he begins to realize what it’s really like – locked in a mutual dance of death with one another.</p><p> </p><p>There’s a reason things are the way they are right now.</p><p> </p><p>“Sure,” Alex grimaces. “Yeah, I guess,” he finishes, clamping down on his dislike of the whole conversation. The high is fleeting.</p><p> </p><p>After what feels like an eternity, Jacob finally gets up from his seat, hands Alex another drink, before strolling out of the room. “You’re uh, going back to Evergreen for the game right?” he asks just as he’s about to leave.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s head snaps up at that.</p><p> </p><p>“Your boyfriend’s playing, isn’t he?” Jacob asks.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Charlie.</em>
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</p><p>He is. Alex has known this since the year started. Charlie’s mentioned it before to him, and Alex had just nodded yes with a slight smile. Of course – homecoming is the big game, the most important game of the football season. Of course, Charlie was stoked for it. And of course, Charlie would want Alex to be there, cheering him on – and Alex knows this too.</p><p> </p><p>Sighing, Alex steals a glance at his phone, eyeing the message history between him and Tyler. Homecoming would mark the day he gets to see not just Charlie again, but also Tyler. And Zach. They’re all coming back. All his closest friends.</p><p> </p><p><strong>(2 hours ago) </strong>Tyler Down: <em>Hey, you’re coming to homecoming right?</em></p><p><strong>(2 hours ago) </strong>Tyler Down: <em>Wanna carpool? Estela’s coming too. </em></p><p><strong>(2 hours ago) </strong>Tyler Down: <em>Been a while since all 3 of us hung out. Tell Charlie I look forward to seeing him.</em></p><p> </p><p>Back in town for the big game, the big event, to see one another, catch up on how things are going after months apart from one another.</p><p> </p><p>And Alex should feel happy – he should feel amazing. It’s another chance to get away from Berkeley, to go home, see his family, his friends, and just forget about school life for a moment. But he can’t. He knew this day was coming, this blasted day – November 2<sup>nd</sup>. It’s a day that marks Liberty High’s homecoming game.</p><p> </p><p>But it’s also the day that marks the night Alex’s life changed forever.</p><p> </p><p>Alex looks up again at Jacob, eyes watery, and nods after a long while.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>“So, things are looking slightly better with the team lately, and although things are still tense off the field, I think we can take this homecoming match against Hillcrest,” Charlie says with a warm grin through the screen of the tablet.</p><p> </p><p>The first thing Alex notices is that he got a haircut. It’s still the same cute hair he’s known since they started dating, the gelled top, soft blonde-brownish locks, what almost looks like a slight receding hairline, hidden by the longer cut. It’s easier to notice when Charlie cuts his hair short, but he’s cute no less. It makes Alex smile a little despite how the day went.</p><p> </p><p>“That’s great Charlie,” he answers back. “Aaron still causing you trouble?”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie looks a little disgruntled by that, and for a moment Alex almost regrets asking. “Charlie, you know you can’t just go on like that,” Alex says.</p><p> </p><p>“I know, I know,” Charlie says defensively. “I just… I really need this football scholarship,” he shakes his head. “I can’t risk that.”</p><p> </p><p>Alex frowns at that. It’s almost insulting, and he knows he shouldn’t be feeling this way. Charlie has a point, and he also has a right to keep his private life separate from football. Still, it’s a far cry from the night they were crowned prom kings – where they had the full support of the football team, many of whom graduated that very year.</p><p> </p><p>How things change in such a short time.</p><p> </p><p>“Right,” Alex mutters, trying to hide his disappointment. “I get it.”</p><p> </p><p>Charlie shoots a pained smile back at him. “Um… are things okay on your end?” He asks, eyes sympathetic and kind. “I guess you and Jess aren’t on speaking terms.”</p><p> </p><p>“I don’t want to talk about her right now,” Alex says sourly. “Just… I can’t,” he shakes his head. And for once it doesn’t feel like a lie. There’s a lot on his plate right now and talking about Jess like this is just another stressor added on top of what already feels like an insurmountable weight. It makes him pause to consider how long he’s been like this. Feeling like some ticking time bomb. There are days where it doesn’t feel so unbearable.</p><p> </p><p>And then it’s like life throws him a curveball right when he’s back on track.</p><p> </p><p>“Okay,” Charlie nods. “Well— uh, if you need anything you know I’m always here to talk to you right babe?” Alex smiles a little at that, feeling his chest tighten when Charlie looks at him warmly through the screen. It’s already dark out, and Charlie looks like he’s just about ready for bed.</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… I know,” Alex finally answers, letting out a sigh and trying to put on a brave face.</p><p> </p><p>They stare at each other for what feels like an eternity, a tug of war of wills, Alex feeling the pull of unspoken words between them. Things have been tough lately, with school, Jess, Jacob, Charlie’s own situation with his football team, and just life. They talk about stuff, and Alex still feels happy whenever Charlie makes the time to talk to him.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you, Alex,” Charlie says suddenly.</p><p> </p><p>Alex closes his eyes, feeling the lump in his throat once more when he tries to get the words out on his own end. It feels tougher than normal – as if he hasn’t said this so many times. And it’s not hard because he doesn’t feel it anymore.</p><p> </p><p>It’s because he feels more and more that he doesn’t deserve to say it.</p><p> </p><p>“I love you too Charlie,” he finally answers hoarsely.</p><p> </p><p>“So uh…” Charlie begins.</p><p> </p><p>Alex’s gaze refocuses on the screen.</p><p> </p><p>“I guess I’ll… see you at Homecoming?”</p><p> </p><p>“Yeah… Yeah, you will, Charles.”</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <span class="u">Chapter 13 Teaser</span> </strong>
</p><p>
  <em>“Alex, you told me you’d keep it under control,” Charlie’s shaking his head in disbelief. “Do you realize you’ve jeopardized my position as captain?” He spits out the words, and Alex can’t believe what he’s hearing.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“That’s what you care about?” He hisses back. “Being fucking captain of a bunch of hateful children?”</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>Charlie winces at that. “Alex, it’s not that simple,” he tries again. “Look – I don’t like it either, but you know you can’t just go around beating the shit out of people you don’t like,” he says again, his voice a plea. And although Alex knows Charlie’s right, it doesn’t sway him. He’s too far gone.</em>
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  <em>“Right,” he mutters back, throwing up both hands in the air. “It’s so easy for you to say it,” he shakes his head.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“What?”</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“So some of your teammates hate you,” Alex responds, laughing comically. “Great. I wonder what it’s like being that perfect straight-A student, member of the honor board, and having everyone else love you though. Because I guess your life is just so hard,” he hisses, venom on his tongue.</em>
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  <em>Charlie looks stunned by this. And Alex can see that Charlie doesn’t fully understand it. He’s trying. He’s trying hard. And that’s something he’s always loved about Charlie. Just how hard this boy tries for him. That although he’s lived a privileged life, he’s always tried. But sometimes, intentions don’t translate to results, and this here is no exception.</em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“Alex, what’s gotten into you?” Charlie finally says, shaking his head and trying to hold back what must be the first makings of a sob. “I thought… I thought you’d be happy to come home and see everyone. I thought you said you felt unhappy at Berkeley sometimes, and—” </em>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <em>“Yeah,” Alex answers with a dry laugh. “Yeah. I guess I should be happy,” he grits his teeth, feeling the buried emotions threaten to surface. </em>
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</p><p>
  <em>“Alex…” Charlie whispers.</em>
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</p><p><em>“I guess I’m so happy I came back on the night I killed Bryce,” Alex lets out, and suddenly, the emotions are too much, and he starts to sob. He’s kept it at bay for so long, putting on that smile, cheering his lungs out at the game, trying to appear normal. </em> <em>And suddenly, it’s too much. It’s too much for him to handle. How does he live with that? How does he bear that knowledge, carrying it around him like a burden? </em></p><p>
  
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  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. NOTICE - Future Updates (Good News, hopefully)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>A word from me regarding future updates</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Hey everyone - I'm really sorry I've been MIA for so long. Since September, I've been dealing with school, work, and personal issues, and couldn't give my writing my best.</p><p>Now that my exams are over, and due to the pandemic situation, I'm in lockdown - meaning I have plenty of free time. I'm pleased to announce that I'll continue updating the story in the foreseeable future.</p><p>I apologize to everyone I've let down by not continuing this earlier - I hope that everyone will still enjoy what I have in store.</p><p>PS - the story gets dark from here. This is another reason with my personal issues I felt that it be best to take a break from writing, as I have planned this story extensively, with difficult scenes written in advance.</p><p>Thank you,</p><p>AeonWing</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>So... Reviews? Especially because I intend to write a part 2, which will have more adult themes (ahem, smut). </p><p>Thank you!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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